k a steger:
I reformatted your text (and italicized it ) to facilitate my reading it, and cited select sentences which appear as "high notes" to me.
very nice! the reformatting really aired out and made clearer my restless sentences.
Maybe you do not have "resentment of being here". There may be a rung to identify ahead/instead of "resentment" (I like C C C's phrasing: self's thwarted desires). Perhaps it is something like these:
boredom, i.e., "Nothing is interesting. Why am I not interested?"
nihilism, i.e., "Nothing matters/all is absurd: why am I apparently real and here with nothing real to do?
...
Would you add/change anything to the list?
Currently it seems not like resentment of being here so much as restlessness. For the past few days, it has felt like my mind has just been spinning and spinning, mostly with "this kind of stuff"-related thoughts, e.g. remembering convos on the DhO, thinking how to continue them, thinking how to approach AF, etc... i'm wondering if is a side-effect of Insight, i.e. being in the A&P nyana.
For me, resenting being here (and self-loathing) had to do with
-- existing in a place with deliberate (willful, unnecessary) cruelty, and
-- existing as a self that cannot explain why it is 'here' with willful cruelty, and
-- existing as a self that cannot prevent/cause the absolute cessation of deliberate cruelty, and
-- being comprehensively focused on that unresolvable problem for a long time.
I can only describe my relationship to cruelty as a form of lock-jaw, like a dog that feels unable to release a stick. In some regard, it is satisfying to try to problem-solve, and I favor tenacity; on the upside, this comprehensive focus (lens of cruelty) prevented the development of many other issues for me.
...
Is there something dissatisfying?
There is a problem at work that may actually be resentment.. i just really seem to not want to do the work. just some aversion to doing it, which is unnecessary as when i actually do the work it is not so bad. this creates many problems such as not getting things done fast enough such that i have to dance around what i've actually been accomplishing when talking to the boss, and that activates my wanting-to-be-a-good-worker/wanting-to-be-liked side and causes suffering as well, etc..
also it is a noisy work place and the noise level occasionally gets to me and causes annoyance at being distracted (from the work i'm not doing, hah).
so there is a nice nugget of suffering for me to work with!
As you list them, your wandering thoughts do not seem problem-causing: curiosity about AF, enlightenment. You also mention "the future"; what are your/these thoughts about the future?
Also thoughts about the past, like just being reminded of a moment from a while ago (like a convo i overheard in a subway between 2 people i didn't know), and that just leading to more thoughts. don't remember exactly what about the future, right now. my reasoning was that, being AF, these thought patterns are almost completely gone, i figured i should find out why the thought patterns arise.. but perhaps that is not the right approach (e.g. of course i wont wonder about AF once i am AF..)