Thanks everyone...

I should have said it before but it was embarrassing. Despite i don't completely lack contacts, i didn't have any (love) experience and this on late times is provoking a constant feeling of loneliness, starting more or less from the upper chest/throat that continues to appear specially on nights. I'm becoming a little intimate with a girl now and the problem is, that i fear my mind which is so self-devaluing will naturally leak out and make me uninteresting. If i was more free, not so obsessed about my look i would be naturally more attractive. The greatest obsession i have which is tormenting me is that i'm not handsome, neither bad looking i think but nothing more than that. I'm extremely vulnerable to even the small sign of refusal because it makes me think i'm ugly. I'll make an example: some days ago i met with a girl and everything seemed to go fine, then i asked if i could find her in the evening on the internet. She said yes but at the usual time she was not there and a feeling so strong arose in the chest that i couldn't eat, i spent 2 hours bent on the sofa, but found here later anyway... the feeling was gone in a minute at that point. I constantly feel to be ugly. But you understand
nobody would find attractive or interesting a guy who reacts like this. Ok sorry for the story but this is to show how I am, otherwise people might think its about other things. It can look inappropriate to this place but this is the biggest problem, this is like a mountain in a valley compared to other problems.
It is fixed that i want to try with Dharma.
Previous experience: Attending a good Zen group for 3 years, did some irregular zazen at home, a 2-day sesshin, and sat through a whole night once.
Actual practice:
- Noting, second sitting until now, before dinner and the lenght is more or less 30 minutes. I learned it reading those 15 pages in "Practical insight meditation" by Mahasi, and i'm reading now through some pages at KFD.
- Tomorrow i'll start with a very easy 15 minutes of sat tonglen, probably on the chair. I learned It reading 30 lines from Trungpa on the internet. It is an easy schedule.
What i don't want to do... Actual freedom. It seems like a cult to me, really i have Zen, Mahasi, Tonglen and i'm already confused. Zen is dropped, I like both Mahasi and Tonglen (its really a personal liking) and don't want to get into still other stuff. I neither want to practice the 4 immeasurable aside tonglen (i have a problem with lists...one is better than four...)
The retreat is hard to cancel. What if i wait some months, and i find myself still at this point having lost yet more time? Why shouldn't i try... well i know that loneliness will strike making me feel the last of the scums of earth, it will, like it had during the night i sat through. But it's not much different from staying at home instead. It is said that A&P is a door that unlocks the way. I had from the beginning that objective when i booked for the retreat. Dark night comes after... after that i'll see. Before i continue to suffer the same things without an end.
I'd like to know, please, if i can open a thread to report sometimes how the noting is going...even if just for myself. Or ask directly to a teacher instead. Please say everything you want about everything... thanks all for reading this guy.