Bruno Loff:
August 8. (...) I've had an episode of romantic attraction towards M. (a girl), and, having had the opportunity to re-live all the bad feelings I usually associated to such occurrences (longing, craving, angst, etc), and having seen first hand how corrosive they are of the well being of me, M., and the enjoyment of an otherwise friendly interaction, I am slowly letting them fall away, and in the wake of such banishment, intimacy is allowed to happen.
I am working to promote a kind of interaction which is genuinely interested in the well being and happiness of both parties, but which is uninterested in emotional enticement ("I do not wish to seduce her"), affective binding ("I do not wish that she longs for me"), mutual dependency ("I do not wish that she needs my protection") or other petty feelings (envy, resentment ...).
I find that this takes a lot of courage, because it is very tempting to do and say the kind of things which might make her "want me" or "need me" or be bound to "me" in any way. Ah... it is daring to let go of these things, and strive so that any involvement we might have will be the result of two free minds deciding to make good use of their time, rather than any emotional dependence of any kind. Such daring, I have found, comes from pure intent: it seems I will not settle for anything less. It is very thrilling (and fun and enjoyable), to woo empty handed, without woe, love or lure.
Very thrilling indeed! Here is an update.
It is very clear that my interest for M. prevents intimacy. The inner projection I have of M. ("imaginary M.") has invaded my imagination, and enthralled itself into "my" schemes and dreams. I am acutely aware of this, and I repeatedly do what I can to minimize it. Contemplation of the senses, well-being and relaxation, really help. In those moments when I was relaxed, we had a good time, and it was a delightful intimate experience.
As it stands, it seems that M. enjoys our interaction (particularly when I am relaxed and happy around her), and she has told me that much, but she is not inclined to become my partner, as I seem to lack the physical (and perhaps psychological) characteristics which turn her on. It seems she prefers taller boys, as they make her "feel protected."
I would like it if she did not feel scared, but I do not want to make her feel protected by me, because this would clearly condition her well-being on my presence. I act very goofy when I'm around her, and I am sometimes quite nervous in her company (because of my dreams and schemes with "imaginary M.") --- which I am sure does not in any way project the image of archetypal male protector, lol

.
So recently, M. has become interested in another guy. He is blonde, tall, and gorgeous. I realized this a few days ago, when I saw them flirting and seducing each other right next to me, while we were sitting at the same table with two other friends.
This made me incredibly nervous, very upset, and I felt very strong jealousy which turned into anger and other malicious feelings. Gosh, I hadn't felt such anger in quite a while. I actually imagined pulling out a loaded pistol, and shooting the guy in the head. More appropriate to the occasion, during our conversation my stream of thought kept being interrupted by opportune malicious jokes, or possibly humiliating remarks, or gestures that would bring the focus of attention to me.
It took all my meditation powers to keep a lid over all these bursts of malice, and I was even able to keep a relatively friendly posture, and remembered on a few occasions to make jokes to enliven the conversation and relax the atmosphere. But after two hours of this, I was exhausted, and my demeanor changed from well-meaning effortful sympathy into a spaced-out apathy, and I am pretty sure that I was sending out very negative vibes (a friend asked me if "I was OK").
The next day I woke up in a good mood, due to a recently acquired habit I think, I even had some nice EEs, but then inside, slowly, a corrosive malicious despair started showing itself --- of course I had to deal with the feelings that happened the night before.
Pain, crying, victimizing ("why me?"), analysis, a lot of meditation. As it is now usual, this was maintained by a complete inability to avoid the issue, or getting distracted with little things.
I was very very sad that things weren't going "my way," and relived several past stories of how it never really had gone "my way" (I've never had a girl or boyfriend).
I am very happy to report that, throughout the whole thing, self-hate was at an all-time low. I had none of the usual "I suck" feelings, and whenever it seemed that it might start going the way of self-hate, I very quickly caught myself, apologized to myself, and in general was very tender towards myself. It felt that "I" and "me" were caught up in a big tangle, but they were willing to do their best effort to work with each other, rather than against one another ("I" and "me" are still dissociated I'm afraid, but now they get along very well).
I hated the guy and I resented M., and I didn't want to. Furthermore, the dude was actually quite nice, friendly, and interesting, which made me stress and start comparing, as if in some sort of competition. Whenever malicious thoughts would arise, I would take them as something which was happening but which I was doing my best to do away with, and the vast experience I've acquired during past episodes of ill-being really cut it out for me, and was enough, just barely, to give this particular episode a vague background of perspective.
Yet I was suffering, and I was tired of it. I looked for solutions, and many things crossed my mind, of which now only two remain. One of them is: I have concluded that this state was slowly built up during the last couple of months by somewhat carelessly engaging in "good feelings." My attitude towards these things is much less investigative than my attitude towards the "bad feelings." I am prone to pay little attention to the giddy bliss, or to the spikes of sexual desire. I enjoy M.'s presence and that makes me distracted and absorbed and embedded. So over the course of months, these things work like a drug, preparing an addictive trap, and as soon as the source of bliss ("imagined M.") is cut off (by contrast with the actual person), the painful aspect of craving then becomes visible, and it's pain, pain, pain all the way. So, to conclude, I must pay more attention and be more investigative of good feelings as well as bad.
Or in other words: "bla bla bla meditate better".
The other conclusion struck me today, and "struck" is the appropriate verb, as I am formidably struck. So I was walking around in this fabulous city, the canals, the sunlight on the 17th century brick buildings, the typically dutch abundance of city trees and other greenery, and I was partly distracted from all of that, trying to find a solution to this emotional pain I was still experiencing.
Many things came to mind: "I will talk with M. and tell her how I feel envious, and maybe she... (fantasy where imaginary M. kisses me or something)"; or "I am clearly not ready for this adventure, I will just give up my wooing and ... (fantasy where I drop all my sexuality by an heroic effort of meditation)"; or "I will just cut off contact for a few weeks, and I can come back when it's under control (bitterly)"...
But it all seemed like such a huge cliché, a repetition of a repetition of a bitter geek's tragic love story, and none of it was seen as a solution, but rather as a poor-man's medicine, taking the bad with the good, same-old same-old...
"Surely," I thought, "the universe is more original than this!" (for "I" felt stuck with nowhere to turn)
"Certainly," (I was now laughing) "if there are galaxies in rotation, rainbows and dew drops, there has to be another way!"
So I shut up all this thinking for a while, and gently pleaded to the universe, to this body, to the perfection which I have already briefly seen was there, to give me a hand, because "I" clearly couldn't come up with anything better than a writer of mexican soap-operas.
And out of nowhere in particular, there came the thought "well, I could be with him as with a new friend..." WOW!
How naive! How benign! How genial!
It is not only the best solution to this imbroglio, and so obviously free of malice, but it is also, and this is why it struck me so formidably, the solution which eliminates "me."
It is that step which is obviously the right thing to do, and which completely undermines my schemes and dreams, my imaginations, my plans, my desires, my instincts (all of which are dumbfounded by this idea).
"What if M. then prefers to be with the guy, rather than me? --- I will have made another friend! How will it happen? --- Gosh, I have no idea!" And I was glad that the dude was nice and friendly, rather than upset by it.
I was struck. Struck by how genial it was, and struck by how "I" was not part of the equation, and I also saw how it was "me" that was standing in the way of seeing this simple solution in the first place.
"Will I be able to pull it off?" My guts told me it wouldn't be easy.
"But I must do it with all the sincerity that I can muster!" I was (and still am) so certain that this was the solution!
"And there is no place for me in this..." As the understanding of this sunk, I was assaulted by fear, and started meditating again, investigating the fear, relaxing, being tender, etc... It has now subsided considerably.
This is all quite amazing!