Any question one asks of someone else, one really asks of one's self (of one's image of them). by taking what the external actual person says and then re-interpreting it through that image and just accepting it, beliefs are formed. the more importance that image is given, the more havoc it causes (i.e. feelings, emotions). furthermore, by not realizing that belief is 'you', any stray word or aleatory event (especially from or involving a person whose image has given you lots of beliefs) can impact the image/belief which then impacts other parts of you, all out of your control. e.g. 'someone' 'you' respect insults you - the respected image previously liked 'you', now that image doesn't (as a result of external, actual sensory input related to by the self, in particular that image), now 'you' feel bad. e.g. the 'upheaval' dan caused when he started doing AF, and kenneth caused when he re-did his model of enlightenment.
have you ever noticed when talking to somebody that you aren't really talking to them? there are two flesh&blood bodies, and each has an identity within, which contains an image of the other person. when you ask somebody a question, you really ask the image the question. by not realizing the image is 'you', you don't seek the answer yourself, yet wait for somebody to fill it in for you. when you have an urge to tell somebody something, you really want to tell yourself (i.e. the image) that, and by waiting for its reaction you form beliefs on whether that thing was cool or not (or maybe form a belief about whether that image is cool or not) instead of evaluating the sensibility or silliness of whatever it is you wanted to say. if you're best friends or lovers with someone your images can be pretty well aligned to the point where you can finish each other's sentences.
likewise, humanity is all in your head, and so is reality, your concept of the world and how it works, etc.
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solitude is great because it forces you to sit with yourself and figure out all the answers yourself. prolonged solitude is great since the first few days one might still be wandering around and flailing against one's images of the world, but as it becomes apparent no one else is there (if one is sincere) it seems like they would lose their grip.
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everything i’ve been doing is like carefully crafting a house of cards - do this, do that, understand this point, try figuring out that point, etc. especially MCTB/vipassana stuff - a really radical re-arrangement of the cards for the purpose of getting them in a better shape to eliminate them, which seems to work yet is rather indirect. it's all quite insubstantial, though, and it can easily collapse (e.g. an emotion makes me feel bad) and throw me off-track, then requiring a re-building of the house, a re-iteration of previously 'understood' points to 'assure myself' that 'i know what it means'. i've been kicking&screaming the whole time, setting these cards up against 'my' will (or some part of 'me'), in the process getting some paths & forming an intellectual understanding of AF with a belief system overlaid on top of it to fill in the gaps (e.g. not having an experience of actuality to remember).
what's important is not these words, nor how the 'self' understands them, but the experience of apperception and the actual understanding. what's important is not figuring it out, but uninterrupted attentiveness. that means moment-to-moment, if possible, or every other moment if not, or every three moments if not, or once a minute if that's the most you can do (but you can do better than that).
there's just this - it's very simple. yet why is it so hard to see? because moment-to-moment the self recognizes, processes, identifies and identifies with the sensory input. if you are attentive once every 5 moments - then 80% of the time you leave open the possibility of an emotion arising and throwing you off-track. yet at least within the space of a few seconds (if you maintain the level of attentiveness consistently, which is hard when in the grip of an emotion) you catch it. the sooner you catch it, the easier it is to see what exactly caused it. e.g. im attentive, looking around my room, then i think of some event this morning.. using attentiveness to realize i wasn't being attentive, i then figure out it's because i saw a cupcake given as a thank-you resulting from said event. if i were less attentive i could have gone from this morning's events to last nights, then perhaps to some other time, then start thinking about some beliefs, then wonder about how to be an actualist, then try to figure out what to do, etc. yet all that's needed is the attentiveness (and sensuousness when no particular feeling, emotion or belief is apparent). it's pretty simple, it just takes some mental habituation. even as the self gets more and more rarified, such attentiveness is vital - and maybe even more vital as the self gets quite thin.
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so.. just gotta do it! re-read
this and really stay with each sentence. most English sentences are much fluff and little substance, yet that does not apply to most of the sentences in that article. e.g. when i first read this:
Richard:
Attentiveness is not sentimental susceptibility for it does not get involved with affection or empathy or get hung up on mercurial imaginations and capricious intuitions or ephemeral auguries
i initially understood
Claudiu:
Attentiveness is not susceptible for it does not get involved with affection or empathy or blah blah yep got it
whereas what i now understand is
Attentive Claudiu:
Attentiveness is not sentimental susceptibility [hmm why?] for it does not get involved with affection [ah right, loving others, nurture] or empathy [feeling bad when someone feels bad - just attentiveness, not feeling] or get hung up on mercurial imaginations [hey imagination is mercurial! it jumps from place to place haphazardly and in a disconnected fashion] and capricious intuitions [intuition really is capricious. you feel this is wrong.. then you feel its right.. then you feel its confusing.. then you dont know what to feel] or ephemeral auguries [hmm not sure. i guess you have a hunch that something might happen, yet that hunch doesn't really exist anywhere. usually hunches seem to not be ephemeral, as in passing quickly..] [ah so attentiveness is really just being attentive, no more or less, no need to follow what you were attentive of and make sure its correct, wonder how it relates to everything else you know, check it again to make sure it was right, etc...]