Gxxxxx Jxxxx Mxxxxx:
I've observed that many of my loved ones have decided to experience suffering whenever my actions diverge from their expectations in ways they do not understand. I can see why this would be a useful instinct in parents while they are taking care of children because it keeps the parent focused on helping the child avoid injury, but why does this need to go on indefinitely ? Why should the parent's long term happiness be a function of the child's ability to conform to expectations laid out by social conditioning ? What's the correct thing to do when you find yourself surrounded by a group of people who are threatening to subject themselves to stress/suffering whenever you behave in ways they don't understand ?
I'm left with the impression that life is a minefield and if I step in the wrong direction for even a moment it will result in other people experiencing pyschological pain. This impression is not just an impression it's true. One false step and other people will self-harm and they will be sure to let me know how painful it is. It's sort of like my whole life is a suicide hostage negotiation where I'm not free to act based on my own values or instincts because other people are threatening to harm themselves if I don't do exactly what is expected. What's the most skilful way to deal with or even look at such a situation ? This is not limited to the family example, this goes on in romantic relationships, dharma circles, and can even be observed at macroscopic levels within society.
the correct thing to do is whatever you do. because whether the impression is true or false ... there is only what happens. have you ever noticed that they'll suffer some regardless of what you do? ... it's not you, it's them. when dealing with your feelings, and your empathy, however ... that's all 'you'. i think an excellent way to act is one which enables another to understand their mind ... even if that's something relatively small, like enabling someone to be honest with their feelings so that they are relatively free from that pain. to do so well requires that one is happy and harmless, or at least sincerely intending to be as benign and harmonious as possible.
Gxxxxx Jxxxx Mxxxxx:
Another possible solution is to just ignore the links between other people's self-abuse patterns and your own actions. In other words do what you think is right and let the chips fall where they may. This solution sounds nice but is problematic in practice because it generally leads to situations where other people are causing themselves a lot of pain and you come off as uncaring. People will become jealous that you are free to do as you see fit while they have to "be responsible for how their loved ones feel", so they'll attack you for that.
i recommend severing the links entirely, rather than ignoring them or maintaining them. then one is free to actually care (rather than feeling that one cares, or feeling that one doesn't care), and one would also be impervious to their malicious and sorrowful vibes.
Gxxxxx Jxxxx Mxxxxx:
How does the concept of karma fit into this puzzle ? Did Buddha give any applicable advice ? The early suttas are overflowing with advice in this area which sounds downright anti-social for example:
Khaggavisana Sutta
Snp 1.3
PTS: Sn 35-75
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/kn/snp/snp.1.03.than.html
"For a sociable person there are allurements; on the heels of allurement, this pain. Seeing allurement's drawback, wander alone like a rhinoceros.
One whose mind is enmeshed in sympathy for friends & companions, neglects the true goal. Seeing this danger in intimacy, wander alone like a rhinoceros.
Like spreading bamboo, entwined, is concern for offspring & spouses. Like a bamboo sprout, unentangling, wander alone like a rhinoceros.
As a deer in the wilds, unfettered, goes for forage wherever it wants: the wise person, valuing freedom, wanders alone like a rhinoceros.
In the midst of companions — when staying at home, when going out wandering — you are prey to requests. Valuing the freedom wander alone like a rhinoceros.
"
it fits into the puzzle because what is ultimately being discussed here are feeling-felt relationships intuited as 'me' and 'other(s)'. these are psychic projections, which are born of the affective faculty. the practical usefulness of solitude is in that it helps to prevent one from projecting / dissociating one's self onto others, and prevents one from creating and maintaining relationships. by the way, this does not necessarily imply that one has to be alone or be 'anti-social'.
coincidentally, the more you know yourself, the less you project ... the less you project, the less interest you have in being with others ... the less interested you are in being with others, the less you may be around others ... and that solitude allows for even more time to get to know yourself. when 'i' am seen through entirely, then 'i' cease to 'be' at all ... and that means suffering has ended forever in one human being.
have i ever mentioned that autonomy is a wonderful thing?
trent