| | PCE or ASC? vibrations actual freedom actualism pce Answer 8/21/11 12:11 AM Hello everyone,
I’ve been a lurker for a long time and this is my first real post. I have a “what was that?” question. First, some quick background. I started meditating during Thanksgiving in 2009 after coming across MCTB which had a huge impact on me (thanks Daniel!). I quickly started meditating an hour a day and started to have lots of Kundalini-ish experiences. After a few weeks or so they gradually transformed into more refined vibratory type of sensations just like the 3-D TV snow that Daniel describes in his book. (After the sits the vibrations would often continue in the right side of my brain and gradually coalesced into a constant tinnitus in my right ear which continues to this day.) I would follow the practice that Daniel suggests in the Impermanence section of MCTB sometimes focusing on the finger tips or other body parts but usually doing sort of a choiceless awareness type of practice trying to be aware of every sensation that arose. Most of the time I would focus on the vibrations on sort of a global scale across my whole body. In the early days the whole body vibrations were extremely pleasurable, almost like what it feels a minute or so after orgasm, but this pleasure component has mostly subsided or I have become acclimated to it. Not sure if this is the right way to meditate but that has essentially been my practice.
I went on my first retreat in January of 2010, a week-long at IMS and really enjoyed it. During the teacher session I described my vibration experiences to Richard Shankman and he told me it was Piti or rapture, which I had read about and thought that he was likely right. I went on a second week-long retreat in July of 2010 at IMS. The theme was the Four Foundations of Mindfulness and on the 3rd day at the beginning of a sit Christina Feldman gave us instructions for Mindfulness of the Mind and talked about spaciousness. During the session the vibrations arose as usual and I began to try to be aware of the space above my body in ever expanding arcs. This was the first time I had ever meditated on spaciousness. Normally during a sit my eyes are half opened cast somewhat downward without focusing. This time my eyes were closed and I noticed they were pointing upwards as if trying to look up. The vibrations seemed to be isolated to the top half of my skull. I was sitting in the meditation hall at IMS in the middle of a hot summer day with fans blowing on either side. All of a sudden there was what I can only describe as a perceptual figure-ground reversal, a sudden dramatic change in how I was perceiving, especially hearing. It was as if I was in a giant cathedral with gorgeous sounds bouncing off the walls. I listened to the blowing fans and people coughing with sheer delight and wonder and amazement. When I heard a bird singing in the distance it was indescribably delicious, like it was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. Listening to that bird and other sounds outside I started realizing that the normal subject-object relationship in consciousness had changed. I sensed that I was abiding in pure awareness, somewhere in between the subject (my normal self) and the object, upstream in the usual perception process.
When the session was over I walked outside to begin the walking session. When I looked up at the trees I was astounded. I thought, “Oh my god, it’s like they are in 3-D.” And then I chuckled to myself realizing that of course they were in 3-D. But they somehow looked more real. It wasn’t like I could make out more details in the branches and leaves, but there was a dramatic increase in clarity somehow. I realized that there was no sense in doing a standard walking session, that what I was now experiencing was what I was there for, that this was the point. I started walking around in total amazement at the incredible sights and sounds and sensations. I was experiencing everything as if for the very first time, jamais vu. It was as if I had just awaken from a dream, as if I was awake and alive for the very first time. Nothing had changed but everything was now extraordinary. The world and everything in it seemed beyond beautiful, even the weeds growing on the retreat grounds. There was a very strong impression that this was perfection, that everything was pure and perfect. It was like my perception had been purified. I remember thinking that this must be what Jesus meant by “heaven on earth”. If I believed in God I have no doubt that I would have thought that I was experiencing God. I looked up at a big ole tree overlooking the grounds and thought, “You’ve seen this before haven’t you. You know.” I sensed that I was part of the unfolding of the universe or part of the flow of existence. I remember thinking that now I know what predestination was, but that people got it wrong. It wasn’t that specific events are predestined but that there is an unending flow to existence and that everyone and everything was part of that flow whether they knew it or not, and that everything is exactly as it should be. I sensed that I was intimately part of everything else. A fly landed on my hand and I thought “Fly, you are as much my brother as my genetic brothers.” This interconnection wasn’t just with living things. I looked at the concrete sidewalk and sensed a similar connection to it, as if we were all part of the same thing. Nothing was separate. Some thoughts that arose were, “This is just a taste” (knowing that this was a peak experience that wouldn’t last), “This is seeing the ox” (Zen ox herding pictures), “I am awake for the first time”, “This is perfection”, “This is pure awareness”.
So far I’m assuming this sounds pretty PCEish. But in addition to all of the above, I should note two other things. One was that I felt a tremendous amount of gratitude. At one point I walked over to the Buddha statue in the garden and kissed the ground at his feet. There was a feeling of immense reverence and thankfulness. The other thing was periodically throughout the experience tears would flow. I don’t know where they were coming from but it was clear that it was some kind of release. The tears flowed strongest when I thought of the word “release” (release from what I don’t know). There was actually a lot of laughter too intermixed with the tears. One minute laughter, the next minute tears. The experience lasted for the most part of two days with some ebbing and flowing.
So what do you think? Was this a PCE or an ASC? Or some kind of mixture of the two if that’s even possible. On the one hand, part of me thinks it doesn't really matter what it's called. It had a profound effect on me and is guiding me to move forward on this path. On the other hand, my goal is AF, and I am open to other interpretations. I think it’s important to have some healthy skepticism toward one’s own subjective experiences and if it turns out that this experience is a spurious emotional and spiritual one from the perspective of AF then I should find out what a real PCE is like.
At the time I thought of it as a peak experience. In the past I have had experiences that were somewhat similar to this (without the tears but with the gratitude) but nowhere near that level and not for that duration. They were mostly when out walking alone in nature or down a street in the neighborhood.
When I went on the retreat I was not familiar with Actualism but shortly upon my return I came across reference (on KFD I think) that Daniel had “converted” to AF and I was intrigued. When I started reading about AF I immediately felt an affinity to it. So for about a year now I have been practicing Actualism, reading a lot on the AF Trust website and this forum, doing HAIETMOBA, etc. but I have not had anything close to the peak experience of the retreat. I seem to have glimpses but that’s all. I pretty much stopped formal meditation after getting the impression on the AF website that it was a waste of time, even though my experience on the retreat indicated otherwise. I have started meditating again some (but not consistently) after reading the comments by TJ Broccoli, Nicolai, and others on Ed’s Goenka course thread.
So now I guess I’m sort of at a crossroads wondering if I should get back into formal sitting on a consistent basis and if so if I should do something beyond the 3-D vibration thing (if I even can). By the way, I have tried the spaciousness meditation a number of times since the retreat but it never had the same result.
Thanks in advance for any comments or suggestions.
Jim |