Hi everyone. This seems like a very helpful and unique place.
I've been practicing breath concentration for some time. Until not too long ago, I had only felt some calm, some post-meditation clarity and ease, and, during retreat, some relieving states of painless silence and vastness. But I've been practicing pretty diligently; I have lots of free time and am naturally solitary.
A number of weeks ago I spent some time without internet at home and with a new nice zafu, and I read something about entering jhana — which I hadn't really thought of as actually real or relevant, sort of mystical, unattainable, or at least extremely difficult, something for monks in ancient Asia. But I recognized something about the description of
piti and it seemed like access concentration could describe something I had stumbled upon a few times.
And as maybe you've guessed, just the simple advice to focus on the pleasure and let it do its thing, was really opening. Meditation became exciting! A bit like having swum around on the surface of a lake for a long time and finally getting the courage and skill to dive under and look around.
These states felt very, very fulfilling. I am "into Zen," and after sitting in 1st and 2nd jhana, I would be very happy to feel the ease in my body, drink tea, do some bowing: I felt very peaceful, and I really loved the feeling behind words like "just this!" Like I had turned off an annoying fan I didn't realize could be turned off; like I had never been really calm or present before, and now the world was "just as it is," beautiful and complete and simple — you know how it goes!
Now for a couple of weeks it's usually been very easy to get into some jhana, at least up to what I think is the 2nd. If I try a little, I can get a nice taste of it on the bus or in a meeting.
Almost immediately after sitting down and setting up my posture, I feel an exciting yet familiar feeling of refreshing delight. I give it attention and let it blossom, but keep focusing on my breath in the
hara. Sometimes there's lethargy or sleepiness and then I kind of waver with attention and wander off, but usually I can keep it up until it becomes easy, obvious, and very vividly pleasant. There's some kind of blurriness or noisiness or gauziness — maybe you will understand if I say I like to wear like a knitted sweater when I sit, because there's some kind of affinity between that texture and the mental feelings.
I keep giving attention to the flowing pleasure, and sometimes I like it so much that I try to keep it flowing, but typically I feel like I begin to be attracted to a perceived background of deep silence. It's like inside of me or behind all the sensations there's a hollow space that stands out because there's so much pleasure stuff going on on the "surface." So I kind of anchor my attention on this void that's underneath the pleasure, and then within a few minutes, the intense flowing pleasure fades out — it feels a bit like it sinks and concentrates somewhere down in my belly.
Some glossy, shimmering pleasure surface remains. By now I have a very vivid experience of being a nice black nothingness in roughly the shape of my body, but with a cool fluctuating prismatically colored surface. Sometimes I feel like a glass statue with some water running around on the surface. There's some solidity to the shape, I feel like I'm clenching my body but I think in actuality my muscles are pretty relaxed.
So I think this is how the 3rd jhana appears for me. I think I've been into 4th jhana, but I'm not entirely sure, and I don't really remember how it was. The first time I thought I got the 4th, it felt like I had gone through a cycle of wonderful altered states, and then after more and more intensification, my eyes naturally focused back out on the wall and it was like having gone deeper and deeper into the ocean and then surprisingly emerged, but also somehow still being submerged... My ass always starts really hurting after ~30 minutes, but in this state, pain wasn't bothersome. But it felt very natural to bow, say thanks, and get up, like I had "finished."
The thing that's most surprising for me is how quickly this pleasure became ... well, unsatisfying. In these meditations now, there are some aspects that feel a bit iffy for me.
One is that I just don't really care about this pleasure. I feel a bit spoiled feeling like that, thinking it, and writing it. It comes up, feels cool, and sometimes I feel "oh yes, good, it still works," but it doesn't make me overwhelmingly happy, and sometimes I feel almost tired with it. I think there's some negative energy, I sometimes think of it as a blockage. I've experimented with trying to "relax mental formations" of resistance to pleasure, and I think it's been working as a way to go deeper.
The other is that I always feel pretty much like "I am still in there." The jhana doesn't take over completely. I am sitting there experiencing jhana. Thoughts come up, sometimes little distracting wandering things, but usually it's more like ... I dunno, like the ego just wants to make itself known again, like "hello, nice to have some jhana going, dum-de-dum." And in subtle thoughts that engage with the meditation, like "ok, time to concentrate more" or "this feels such and such" or "cool, 3rd jhana kicked in." Not usually so wordy, but there's a definite and pretty continuous sense of self.
Another is that I feel like the fulfillment I used to feel from meditation was maybe mostly sentimental, and an excited reaction to the feeling of being somewhat calm for, like, the first time. Reading about jhanas and stuff on sites like this is very unsentimental, and that might also be a factor in making me less interested in the beauty of Zen. I do still appreciate that, it feels like one of few valid refuges in a confusing and blatantly crazy world. But it's not so easy as experience bliss, be calm, bow to altar, drink tea, and be super peaceful and happy with just this. I mean, it's pretty obvious from a Buddhist perspective that mind states are not ultimately satisfactory, but it's still a bit unsettling.
I don't know anyone I can talk about this stuff with, so I write this so that I can have some recognition from people who know what I'm talking about, and maybe some advice on something I should work on or something. Actually I will be going to a Zen retreat next month and look forward to the dokusan opportunities. Maybe I will start working on a core koan. The sensei there is not formally my teacher yet, so I'm not really tethered, but I like and have a lot of respect for this sangha, so I'm not sure whether I should start doing some insight practice on my own before talking to the senseis.
Truly grateful for any response. Sorry for writing such a long post!