Four weeks to go until Goenka Vipassana 10-day course #4. Objective: stream-entry.
Wednesday MorningAt the family Cottage. Got up before the others, dealt with the dog, stoked the fire, and tried to sit in the main room. Dog was distracting, so I moved to the bedroom and set a timer for 75 minutes. Never really overcame the restlessness, and called it off after only 65 minutes. Some sessions are like that. Maybe it was too cold, even for me? Maybe I haven't had a cup of coffee yet? Whatever.
In all the thinking I was doing while I was supposed to be meditating, however, I reflected on the idea of want / craving / desire, and that perhaps the standard dogma misses a key point. The conscious direction of final causality is so central to the human experience, that perhaps the source of suffering is not desire
per se, but involuntary or somehow unskillful desire, maybe skewed by absent-mindedness or badly projected in a way that dooms the game to a loss right from the opening moves. I am suspecting that desire, like "ego" and suffering itself, is going to need an overhaul before the concept becomes really usable -- at least by me. Human consciousness doesn't come with any definitive owner's manual where one can look this stuff up. Maybe I will have to write it -- to throw on the heap of countless other attempts to do so...
Wednesday EveningSat another half an hour. Set the timer for an hour, but decided not to be any more heroic than that as it is quite late, it has been a very long day, and I am very tired. Felt drawn to that full-body awareness again, which feels distinctly easier and more restful and relaxed than the narrow focus of anapana or the constant effort of body-scanning vipassana.
Thursday AfternoonWas really exhausted, possibly fighting off a cold, as is my friend who joined us at the Cottage. Slept about 12 hours. Took a cold shower to invigorate the ol' body, and managed to sit 45 minutes before I had to get up to attend to household matters. Tried something new, scanning from side to side rather than up and down. Feeling somewhat disorganized and off-balance, but also confident that these things come in phases and this too shall pass.
Also, I have been going over my Practice Thread the last few days to see if I had missed anything, and realized that I had not read very carefully the comments section of the link that Nickolai suggested
here. It is indeed a total gold mine, collating comments from a number of DhO-ers, including and especially Tarin and Jill. Thanks again. I am now working my way through that material, including some of the podcasts which are loaded on the Android and ready to go.
Friday Afternoon & EveningWent over to G's place and talked through some Issues but only sat for 15 minutes. Got home, and felt the need to push into it a bit so I sat for an hour and immediately reset the timer for another hour. Opened my eyes with
exactly 15 minutes left on the second hour, and thought "that's quite enough" and rolled off the cushion. Spent about half of the first hour with my forehead on the cushion instead of my ass, and part of the second hour (3/4 hour) slumped against the wall, but there it is. Scanning felt too hard today, even full-body awareness was a slog. No idea what stage I am in, although Misery and Disgust are likely candidates, or maybe even Mind & Body as my spine just won't feel straight no matter how I sit. Made sure I logged two full hours of practice today, having gone and foolishly published my plan for the month. I am feeling a bit rattled that I only sat once yesterday, having spent many hours in the evening reading and reviewing things that seemed really important, watching the time slip away, never getting around to the second sit of the day. Doesn't matter how I feel, if I want that Duke of Bananas off my back once and for all, I have to practice no matter what -- indeed,
especially if I don't feel like it. If I ever get anywhere with this, I will have earned it. "Master of the Present Moment" seems like a sick joke to me at this present moment, but I am sure that is as impermanent, unsatisfactory, and not proper to any persistent self as everything else.
Saturday MorningSat for 75 minutes, but not continuously as I paused the timer and got up to pee (after duly examining the relevant sensations, of course). Not thrilled with my concentration as my mind keeps wandering, but apparently with practice the momentary concentration is supposed to add up and become quite strong. It really is remarkable how on different days (and even at different times during the same sit) the capacity to clearly perceive sensations on specific parts of the body fluctuates wildly, as does the ability to focus the mind sufficiently in the first place even to look. At times it is effortless, at other times all but impossible.
Applied to serve a 10-day Goenka Course on Jan. 18 -- tucked right in front of the one I am going to sit on Feb. 1 -- and included a link to this practice thread in my application. The question is, is what I am doing sufficiently close to what is taught in that tradition to qualify me to serve a course, given the enormous premium that is placed on not mixing techniques? It is probably like anything: if you stare at it long enough, it will resolve into little swirly fragments that can then be interpreted in any number of ways. I suspect that I scrutinize myself in way too much detail, and I hope that these efforts eventually result in liberation from whatever fraction of my cogitation turns out to have been superfluous.
I am now going to listen to Goenka chant the
Mahasatipatthana Suta; I have indexed my printed copy with the time for the start of each paragraph, because I kept getting lost. Some passages sound literally like the phrase "mumbo-jumbo" over and over. When in doubt about the instructions, why not try to grok them in Pali? But seriously, before I get to the course I fully intend to learn all the relevant Pali vocabulary (which is all neatly listed in glossaries in the relevant publications) because, well just because.
Saturday AfternoonSat for 55 minutes whereupon the dog got restless, so I let me up and him out. I did my best to maintain equanimity in the face of the return of easy scanning in any direction I wanted, coarse or fine, so I just explored sensations in a matter-of-fact way for most of the "hour".
Spent much of the day working through the
Mahasatipattana Sutta and the bulk of the
Discourse Summaries. I am a little perturbed by the disconnect around what comprises Right Concentration. The Buddha clearly states that the first four jhanas are Right Concentration, whereas Goenka seems to take a different tack. Presumably this pertains to the wet insight / dry insight controversy. I guess that now that I have done what I had to do to get to the point where I can apply the technique more or less as specified, it doesn't pertain to me much in the short term.
Sunday Afternoon Sat for an hour, but scanning was weak. Observed the fluctuations in the capacity to scan -- anicca. Kept getting distracted, however, by doubts about the 3 characteristics being truly fundamental. Most explanations I have read seem to start with one and derive the others. I am thinking that the cause of suffering is not craving, per se, but conscious craving in the form of narratives that "leave something to be desired" and hence never satisfy. Relief would come from realizing that any given perspective can be decomposed, and choosing ones (perspectives) that are fluidly adaptable -- optimized in real time, so to speak, with conditions. So why would training conscious control over proprioception help one realize the ultimate relativity of all narratives? Probably has to do with penetrating the felt experience of purposiveness aka final causality aka desire. Still, the dharma is shot through with reductionisms and metaphors that just don't hold up to examination. And, be that as it may, if I am to get myself enlightened I am going to have to pick or compose a story that I believe in just long enough to do what I need to do to get to where I want to go... there it is again, "where I want to go". Is that reducible to a sensation somewhere on the body? Even if it isn't, actually, maybe looking for it is skillful in this case.
Monday AfternoonSat two hours in quick succession with a very short break in between. Opened my eyes with one and three minutes left on the clock, respectively. I keep feeling like my spine could use stretching and "cracking" and wanting to fidget, so periodically I just twist and stretch with my shoulders from side to side, but try to keep it to a minimum and observe the sensations that comprise the urge to move. Cycles of wandering mind and "remembering the instructions" seem quite rapid, maybe a minute or two, but I am not opening my eyes to time anything. I feel frustrated that my concentration is not sufficient, like trying to work wood with dull tools: I want clean shavings, but I am getting smoke and powder instead. But I am trying to "play along" and apply the technique as I understand it, which is to scan the body as soon as I am able, and notice aversion when it arises.
Last night I drove a friend (also a Vipassana meditator -- Goenka "Old Student") from Toronto to Kingston and back to drop off some of her kids, so had lots of time to talk about practice and the dharma. Quite a few of my friends are Old Students.
Tuesday AfternoonSat for 52 minutes.
Tuesday EveningSat 59 minutes, more or less
adhitthana, but not really trying very hard, if that makes any sense. Feeling paranoid about the tension between the Goenka tradition's interdiction of "mixing techniques" and the Pragmatic Dharma approach of dynamically adapting to what works best. "Chase two rabbits, catch neither" ...which is why I have decided to try and do it Goenka's way until the end of the Course in February, and then re-assess. If I can go serve and get some more perspective on the whole thing (and obviously be helpful and play it straight by the house rules) so much the better. Also, applied to attend a Goenka Daysit here in Toronto on Saturday -- it should be possible to shuffle the logistics with kid, dog, and Sweet-E to attend that, but for some reason I am finding all such considerations surprisingly onerous at the moment.
Wednesday MorningAtypically, I am starting my practice report before I sit this morning because there is something highly significant to report. I have been turned away for both the Goenka Daysit on Saturday, and for serving the 10-day course next week. The response for the Daysit mentions a wait-list of 40 (!) which is entirely plausible, as I left it late to apply and the hall was packed last time. But I remain paranoid about what "they" -- the Goenka people -- think of me and my sincere attempts to practice, as I applied to serve scarcely two days after a call went out for servers because they were short of servers for this particular course, and the declining email very blandly says the "course is full and has a wait-list" without commenting at all on the substance of my application. Maybe I will get a call in a few days saying, can I come after all? Maybe the likes of me are exactly the kind of "wrong vibrations" that they don't want to pollute their atmosphere with? I am afraid of calling and asking, as I don't want to get dis-invited from the course I am accepted for, Feb. 1 (could that happen?) and also I don't want to create a hassle and waste the time of people who are (in my imagination at least) extremely busy doing things in a way that they whole-heartedly believe in and have found works for them -- at least I hope it works for them -- how many
sotapannas are there typically on staff?. On the one hand, I am disappointed. On the other hand, this puts me firmly in the position of a "confused" outsider who, though attempting to do so, has yet to grasp all the merits of Goenka's particular approach to things, and therefore on my own ("You are your own master") to find my best way in light of such guidance and advice as I have been fortunate enough to receive to date. OK, now sit.
Sat for one hour. At 28 minutes, opened my eyes, shifted position (crossed my legs the other way) and resumed. In a fit of rebellious pique, I noted (yes, noted!) each in-breath and each out-breath. For the first half of my sit, I was squarely with the breath and other miscellaneous sensations on the body as they arose. For the second half hour I was much more lost in thought, working out contingency plans for strategy and logistics to get the kind of environment and technique necessary to get stream entry. Realized that I don't need Goenka. Will attend course Feb. 1 as planned unless the Goenka Inquisition ferrets me out -- what am I so paranoid about? There is no Goenka Inquisition! Almost nobody follows the prescribed instructions. Almost nobody sits two hours a day and remains utterly "pure". Almost everybody "mixes techniques" one way or another, just by virtue of being exposed to other ways of thinking about the dharma, or should I say dhamma. I am among a small minority that takes more than one course, and among a tiny minority that sits two hours per day for any sustained time -- and not even that long in my case. Perhaps I am taking this all way too seriously.
Wednesday AfternoonSupplemental: Was cleaning out some papers and came across documents pertaining to the court case last year where I lost custody of my son. Broke right down and cried. Tried to observe the characteristic of
dukkha. Also attempted to observe the thoughts about how I wish my practice were strong enough to shred this experience into the tiniest of little particles and make some good use of it. Who is this "I" who is trapped in this senseless, stupid, ridiculous clusterfuck, somehow entirely of my own making, and yet from which "I" can't escape? (
Anatta?) In a few years my son will be all grown up, and in a few more years I and everybody I know will be dead (
Anicca?) and in the meantime being bitter and resentful isn't helpful. Still, it is the dominant fact of my existence, it hurts like hell, and it feels utterly pervasively and absolutely real.
Wednesday EveningWhat a day of paranoia and emotional reactivity! Got another note from the Goenka centre inviting me, as an Old Student, to come early or stay late for the Feb. 1 10-day to sit extra and/or help with something (which, ironically, will be hard for me to schedule as the time right close to the course is tricky). I have been just so hair-trigger touchy-sensitive about all of this. Yikes. What got into me?
Only sat 40 minutes out of the planned hour this evening after my son went to bed, and just suddenly knew that this was enough for today. Tried noting again. In my estimation, done right, there would be no verbalization -- just the assertive designation of the object of experience that always accompanies vocalization and indeed thought but is not so obvious unless one knows to look for it. If I weren't reading Dewart, I am sure I would mis-understand noting entirely. It has nothing to do with what Goenka criticizes as taking something other than naked reality for an object of meditation. I think I may be seeing the broad outlines of a colossal and tragic misunderstanding -- or another aspect of one -- that has been hampering humanity for eons and causing untold suffering.
If anyone has been following this thread and lives near or can get to the Toronto area, I am planning to head up to the family Cottage (two hours north of Toronto, right on the shore of Georgian Bay) for a
small private meditation retreat January 19-23. My vision is to head up Thursday, sit intensively for three days, and return Monday. Would anyone be interested in joining me? No cost except to get ourselves there and back and feed ourselves. Message me privately please, if you are interested.