Hi Garrett,
Garrett Evans:
Many times I have caught myself attempting to intellectually manipulate my experience to make it match up with something I had read. Time and time again I have deluded myself into some false understanding of where I was. This led to doubt about both the truth and usefulness of the "stages" of insight in the past, but after re-reading MCTB section of re-observation and equanimity, I can't help but see how perfectly it matches up with my experience. It has also given me new confidence in both my ability to earnestly reflect on my experience in relation to the path of insight as well of the usefulness in doing so.
I think this is a great thing to recognize as a meditator. Yes, one's experience can be manipulated through intention, whether conscious or unconscious. This isn't always a bad thing, though. It depends on how this skill is used. If you use this skill to fabricate mental states that resemble stages of insight, you're probably just getting sidetracked. But, if you use intention in a way that changes your relationship to what you're experiencing, so that you are more capable of allowing things to do what they do, then that's a skillful kind of fabrication. An example of this would be switching from a reflexive attitude of resistance to a conscious attitude of acceptance. In this way you shape how you respond, rather than what you experience. The stages of insight arise organically (I presume) when we practice in a certain way, and this does involve a kind of skillful change in the way you relate to thinks. It's still fabrication, but it's the helpful kind. Does that make sense?
Garrett Evans:
Since I began practicing, it has always been something I have been doing for "me" so that I can become something, but in order to really go down this path, I have to die, to surrender this self. With that I was drawn to vow to awaken, not for me, but for the sake of all beings. Even with this, there was internal resistance to that vow, but it was what had to be done.
Yes, "dying before death" is a common theme at this stage. The Dark Night (including Re-Obs) shows us just how futile it is to try and control everything. And what is selfish behavior if not controlling? One must learn to release control, but also to watch out for falling into indifference as opposed to cultivating equanimity. Indifference says, "Whatever, I can't do anything anyway. I just sit here and wait. Let's get this stupid stage over with." Equanimity also surrenders, but in a way that turns toward experience and says, "Yes, this too. This too." The latter approach can be applied to any and everything comes up in practice, even those moments of indifference. "Ah, yes. Indifference. This too."
It sounds like you're doing great. Keep it up!
-Jackson