Hi Rachel,
Welcome to the Dharma Overground (DhO).
The experience released kundalini and I went through and continue to go through mild-yet-exciting energy shifts as a result. The whole spiritual search/transformation has been sort of stair-step in nature with my last step taking place on the RT FB page. I was helped to see what they call no self and did experience a major shift that lasted around five wonderful days. Part of the RT schtick was to say that once you see no self you can never un-see it, but that has been frustratingly untrue for me. In some ways, yes. Like I don't have any desire to read spiritual books or even go to satsang. I'm generally more relaxed with less conditioning, but...there are issues.
(emphasis added)
Sometimes the way in which anatta is explained results in rendering "no self" a form, object and/or concept, that "self" is an unpleasant nature that can be expelled - and that expulsion would leave behind a wonderful, dispassionate, equanimous, kindly, trouble-free (etc) no-self.
In the record of the Buddha's explanation of anatta,
the Anatta-lakkhana sutta, every sensation, thought, feeling and awareness we can experience as humans is assigned to "no-self". But no-self lacks a definition beyond its components.
To make a silly analogy, I could create no-cereal:
- carbohydrates are no-cereal
- sugars are no cereal
-protein is no cereal
-sweet smell is no-cereal
-crunchy texture is no-cereal
-lucky charm forms are no-cereal
-milk is no-cereal
-ceramic bowl is no-cereal
What is no-cereal? Above, no-cereal is shown to be all the components of a bowl of cereal. There is no ultimate, permanent cereal in the world (sorry, Wheaties). How is that practical, this insight of "no-cereal"? How is no-self helpful? Why is no-self a seal of the Buddha's teaching?
In the Anatta-lakkha Sutta, it is recorded that the Buddha then explained how all the components of no-self are impermanent.
For no-cereal, this would be:
- "Is a sugar an impermanent or eternal? Impermanent, Venerable Sir."
- "Is ceramic bowl impermanent or eternal? Impermanent..."
- "Are lucky charms' shapes impermanent or eternal? Impermanent..."
I can now see how the components of a bowl of cereal are impermanent: the ceramic bowl breaks, becomes dust, becomes clay again, etc; the lucky charms shapes deform; the sugars become food for bacteria and fungus, become expended energy, become expelled waste, the sweet odor of sugar cereal dissipates, etc.
How can cereal be a thing of permanency if its components are always always changing? Even the components of "no-cereal" are "no-components"! Lacking permanent components, "cereal" is more accurately called "no-cereal". In this way, I can know the specific thing of what we discuss (cereal) and, culturally, I can acknowledge that cereal has no inherent, permanent existence, "no-cereal".
I can see that all attributes of myself (including consciousness (which appears to have changed from birth to now) are changing, lack permanent anything. The Anatta-lakkhana Sutta records the Buddha as asking if it is worthwhile for people to cling to and suffer that which is impermanent?
Should I cry over spilt no-milk and no-cereal? Can I overcome my clinging to my self and its consequent, ever-dissatisfied and re-generating state? Anatta-lakkhana Sutta is a
logical discourse on no-self.
However, the work and effect of this sutta comes into play in applying the insight of no-self. What do I crave? Is the impermanent object worth craving? Will "I" be the same craven person tomorrow? Great masters worked with food deprivation, no shelter and life in the wilds, sleeplessness, and so forth; I have comparatively smaller challenges to practice the insight of anatta. Nevertheless, applying the insight of no-self is still a rigorous practice.
If something can come into being, then it is subject to cessation. So, when "I" come into myself through a craving or a negative emotion or an expectation, then I can expect that "I" will come into something entirely different over time. This becomes cyclical in satisfaction-dissatisfaction turns. To be on the DhO indicates you may be suffering from the cycle and looking for liberation from the cycle.
[Edit for clarity:
So, with my bowl of cereal, I am not insisting that it does not exist, rather seeing how my bowl of cereal exists is more clear. And I eat my cereal, and can see how "I" exists. The more insight into this "how am I experiencing" develops (in terms of no permanent state, no-self), old assumed sensations can become refreshed, wonderous, slightly interesting, or just differently understood, but the insight is not necessarily mind-blowing or earth-shaking. If you think anatta is plausible, then "you" (as a constantly changing (de)composition) can develop such anatta understanding as you go about experiencing life.]
It has been about four months since this no self stuff and I am feeling more and more disconnected. I rarely leave the house except for work, which I have grown to hate. While the relationships themselves (at work) seem lighter, if something hits my conditioning it is very, very painful and sets me off into what feels like a mini-depression. Looking back at the last five years I have become increasingly alone and it seems that I avoid people in order to avoid conflict and the negative feelings that are so strong. I think I used to numb myself with activity and having lots of friends and having fun, but that has all fallen away. I continue to have no set practice as I always felt that forcing such things was insincere and unnecessary. I used to meditate regularly but felt that I was being meditated, like I didn't really have a choice (and it was always very powerful and pleasurable, which it no longer is).
If anyone knows what this state is and how to get out of it, well, hugs to you! Thanks for reading...
Is there a practice you are inclined to try or one that brought you to the DhO?
Is there anything in the "five wonderful days" you can draw upon to open your understanding of your state?
Best wishes.
[edits: spelling & possible clarity]