Thank you for taking time to reply to my question, Tommy. What you say feels very reassuring and makes a lot of sense. I realize that my background might be somewhat mixed, and have taken some time to go through the wiki on this site, in order to get a bit more familiar with the conceptual framework that seems to be in use here. Likewise I will try to be as neutral as possible in reference of terms and concepts, or provide links where appropriate. I've also started reading Daniel Ingram's book.
You are asking for a bit more of information on my background, current practice and aims, and I will do my best to help you help me here.
Firstly, I would like to make a correction: vipassana above should be
anapanasati (brain damage...) - I have not explicitly practised vipassana as per traditional (theravadin) meaning.
The Dark Night, Progress of InsightRegarding what you say about the Dark Night; the Progress of Insight as put together and presented here is unfamiliar to me, although its constituents are not.
I can relate strongly to the first two steps, Mind & Body, and Cause & Effect (to a lesser degree), as this is part of my perception outside of meditation. That is to say, on a non-intellectual level; it is a persistent mode of perception. Whether or not this is correct and desirable, I don't know. This does not, however, imply a freedom from the phenomena experienced, much like a car will have a big impact on you if you found yourself in its path when crossing the street (pun intended), even though that car inherently is not you.
The Three Characteristics step is somewhat less familiar. I have an intellectual understanding of these, as they are indeed core teachings, but have not fully realized them (i.e. they are not part of my normal perception or direct experience). This holds true especially for no-self/anatta, given the realization of which would most likely mean that we would not be having this conversation. ;)
As for the Arising and Passing away, reading the description on the wiki lead to a bit of an
aha! moment. It correlates strongly with an event which occurred perhaps 4-5 years ago, which was dissimilar to any other experience previous to or following that event, especially in a sober and non-meditative state. I am extremely wary of confirmation bias, or in fact paying much attention to these things at all, as many teachings in the Zen tradition (which is what mainly constitutes my practical framework), instructs the meditator to not attach to any such experience or phenomena (called
makyo). Still, I will give a condensed recount of this event, in case it might be helpful.
Having laid down on the couch to "chill out" for no particular reason, I found myself drifting lower down the scale of consciousness, as happens when one is falling asleep. I did, however, retain awareness. After an unknown amount of time having passed, I found myself in a state of mind which I don't know how to describe. It was very ambient, content and concept-less, with no sensation of the body, mind or self. Like an empty space more or less stripped of phenomena and perception, if you will. Awareness was very much present, however. Take note that this happened spontaneously and without intention or direction.
The only other thing I can recount is what brought me out of this state. There was a point, not spatial or visual or some-such, just a point, or perhaps focus of awareness. If it had been there all the time or had arisen later on, and at which point I became aware of it, I can't tell. This point somehow exploded, like the cracking of a nut or the fission of an atom. This was an incredibly powerful event, like someone had fired a 155mm naval cannon in the same room, immediately jolting me back to being awake. For the following three days I had an enormous amount of energy, clarity and focus, and an intense sense of well-being, with no need to eat or sleep. This then gradually settled, has not happened again and I have not pursued it.
Current practice and aimsLooking at it one way, my practice has derailed, as during the last 1-2 years I have not sat in formal meditation a lot. Looking at it another way, I have become completely absorbed by the question
What is this? (this is a device known as a
koan in the Zen tradition). By that I mean, it has become part of my fabric to such an extent that even consciously and actively resisting inquiry still does not do away with it. It is becoming more and more pronounced, as is my inability to crack the nut, which is starting to drive me insane.
Simultaneously, I have analysed a lot of philosophies, practices, frameworks, concepts and so on, and have reached a point of surrender. A
Don't know state of mind. The problem here is that it is on an intellectual level, and not realized in direct experience. It is also in conflict with the above. Well... at which point either nut is cracked, I suspect that this is where you will end up, anyway. (This
don't know type of mind particularly emphasized in Zen and
Pyrronism).
I have since long abandoned the pursuit or even idea of enlightenment. It seems absurd to strive for something which I have no idea of what it is, and that is per definition undefinable such that it can be directly realised (paradoxes abound, today!). But there's no going back now. I cannot possibly return to my previous modus operandi. However, some unfortunate by-products of society and modern life, such as the prospect of say starvation and other unpleasantries, tend to get in the middle of things and mess it up.
My sole wish is to resolve the question
What is this? Call that resolution whatever you want. I have no idea; I am absolutely clueless. Literally.
The question is if this current approach will plunge me into psychosis or not. Maybe it is wise to re-focus on concentration, so as to both gain some stability but also increase the capacity for inquiry, as it is seemingly not sufficient, or perhaps even misapplied altogether. A return to formal sittings (in addition) might also be a good idea.
Please let me know what you think.