| | Still going, dropped to about 1.5 hr per day... Was fairly strong and mostly happy since Saturday's feedback loop, finally wednesday got into some rough stuff, sadness, tensions, etc, kept at it. Mostly unable off the cushion to generate the object, on and off OK though, on the cushion seemed ok. Today was sort of lazy, object easy to generate, got really radiant but fuzzy after a bit, along with the body and made me wonder if I was floating through a slow 5th nana, eh who knows. Then this evening did an extra half hour and immediately got into jackhammering, shaking observer and vibrating intense tensions - normally would have been *impossible* to generate the object of loving kindness but after listening to this earlier http://www.dhammasukha.org/Study/Talks/audio/METTA-AUG00.mp3
- decided to play with this state as I have seen it come up so many times and usually even noting wouldn't help me see it more clearly/with dispassion, decided to force myself to smile, a huge smile, the *entire* sit, and attempt to do the normal 6Rmetta practice. Amazingly - even though the 'relax' portion of the 6R wasn't available at all, it was fairly easy to generate the object of loving kindness, somewhat difficult to stay on it, but the whole time the aversion looping and tensions were flying around the head, shaking the internal parts of the head almost to pieces, but interestingly I was able to spend more time on the object, and the vedana in the head was upshifted from extremely negative to somewhat negative, some neutral, and even a bit of it at times positive - tension felt like it was forcing its way up to the top of the head, but instead of destabilizing I was able to keep the mind more stable, and there was a short time in there where something unified in the head for a bit, and I felt more at ease with the aversion, at ease with the tension, at ease with the instability, some small amount of joy arose, then the tension started again and crept back down the head a bit and I stopped at that point. |