I'm getting kinda
pissed off at the moment.. Anyone care to comment on what I'm experiencing. I'm sitting (zazen) for between half an hour and two hours a day (the two hours being split into 30-40 minute chunks). I'm doing the Mahasi noting thing. In each sit, I've been able to identify five different "states of mind".
1.
Clear noting. This lasts about 2 to 3 in/out breaths. Each in I note "rising", each out I note "falling". And the key aspect here is that each "note" is purposefully and mindfully connected to the breath event itself.
2.
Not so clear noting. This lasts for about another 10 to 15 in/out breaths. The first few aren't much less clear than the clear noting, but the clarity degrades. By the end, I'm manfully still internally voicing "rising" or "falling" but there's little or no connection with the actual breaths. Is that clear? It's not that the noting and the breathing are out of sync. When I breath in, I note "rising"; ditto the out/falling. But it's like they're disconnected. I've gone into autopilot. Sometimes I catch this before it gets too hazy, and then I try to reset to 1. (That resetting gets harder over time though). But often I just fall off the edge of it into 3.
3.
La la land. A thought has caught my attention, I unwittingly pursue, and before I realise, I'm off daydreaming. I've simply stopped noting at all. Hard to say how long this lasts since I only become aware of it after some time. But at least 5 minutes I reckon; maybe more.
4.
The Jhana-like thing described
elsewhere. (I don't know if it *is* a jhana, but it's very different from everything else). Again, not sure how long this lasts, although with this it's not because I'm off day dreaming but because I'm so focused I don't care about time.
5. The periods after 2 or after 3 when I get increasingly furious at myself for being so distracted and not managing to stay in 1.
Probably the largest part of my sitting time is in 3. My expectation is that I really want to be in 1 as much as possible. I wish I knew what 4 was but I don't. And I know I'm not supposed to do 5 (i.e. get mad at myself), but it's hard not to.
So, what's going on. Any comments welcome?
thanks.
P.S. I started meditating a month ago.