| | Seeing as this thread has been linked elsewhere and I can't access my old account anymore which I posted this in, here is a revised version of the post above taken from here: http://kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/An+account+of+stream+entry
An Account of SE
This is an account of a 10 day Vipassana course where I got stream entry. This was over New Year’s 2009-2010. It was originally posted at the Dharma Overground website. This is an edited version with extra info. I originally wrote it as an email to Daniel Ingram asking for advice. Some of the language I used was a bit off as I was still reeling from such a strong course and I really didn’t know how to describe the experience very well.
Just a bit of a background. I started practicing in the Goenka tradition of Vipassana in the year 2000. I was a dhamma bum for many years. I spent at least 2 years all up living in the main Goenka Vipassana centre in Australia. I went to India to study Pali and live, serve and sit at Dhamma Giri, the main Vipassana centre in India in the Goenka tradition for close to a year. I was a devout hardcore Theravada convert. I did it all. Pilgrimages to the holy site twice, became a monk for 2 weeks in Burma, followed a fairly segregated life for some time, very anal about observing sila. I sat over 180 days worth of courses in that tradition. I was a dark night yogi for a long time. Never knew what was going on. It got too much and I stopped meditating for on and off 3 years. Suffered a lot but still had no idea why, since I had stopped meditating. A classic chronic dark nighter! Then…
In the beginning of 2008, I had moved to Chile, South America and was feeling the pull to Dhamma again. Found a podcast called Buddhist Geeks which led to Daniel Ingram's website: A frickn arahat was answering emails? Ok, so I asked him a question skeptical as hell. Hi advice struck a cord with me for some reason which led me to the Dharma Overground and to people who were saying they had gone and done it. It was possible!!! A light was seen in the distance of the very, very dark tunnel I was stuck in.
From then on I started including the Mahasi noting technique into my daily sits with awareness of the subtlest sensations /vibrations in the body. At one stage I started also practicing with a kasina for concentration, following Kenneth Folk’s simple instructions to just stare at a break fast bowl. I had read Daniel's book, Mastering the Core Teachings of The Buddha and asked questions to people who claimed to have done it too at the Dharma Overground. I believed more than ever that awakening was possible and resolved to get it done on this course. The course was from late December 2009 to early January, 2010. So here is the account of what I did on that 10 day meditation course:
The Course (Originally an email to Daniel Ingram)
I hit the ground running. I meditated a lot before the course at home and generally found I was in mid to high equanimity. I had been reading your chapter on equanimity following the awesome advice by especially Tarin (to note everything, including the subtlest of mind states that previously were not paid attention to like anticipation, boredom, spacing out, space, investigation etc). I knew I could do it and I fully resolved to attain first path during the 10 days. This is the first time I've sat a 10 day in 2 and a bit years. I have basically sat about 180 days worth of courses in the Goenka tradition and from my first course, I have always been sitting and reaching A/P quickly but felt I was a dark night yogi for the past 9 years. I seemed not to get anywhere even when in mid-equanimity. I'd always get bored and my practise would get lazy. So cycling through the dark night has been constant for 9 years. Well, with your book and DHO, I found inspiration enough to get where I think I am. Here is what happened...
Day 1 and 2
I was in constant equanimity of formations from the get-go, noting like crazy Mahasi style. My mantra was momentum and I worked like I have never worked before. I have never had so much determination on a course. It was more or less constant sampajana using the noting and at the same time awareness of sensations throughout the body. It was very effective. I usually have only practised with bare awareness of sensations (Goenka), but the noting really increased the ability of the mind to notice and objectify everything arising and passing. When I got into a highly equanimous state, I was able to start investigating. You see, this was what I was missing from my practice previously. The totality of the experience.
Attention would be focused on the sensations of the illusory "Self" and pinpoint where they were located, noting the mind states; anticipation, fascination, space, images, the way the eye balls felt as "Self" accompanied by maybe a flow of negative sensations at the throat or chest. This would all dance around as it was observed and rearrange itself in different parts of generally the head and chest area. With this being perceived I began to see where the illusory "Self" was blipping in and out of the bare experience of sensations with great rapidity.
Note: When I say "Self" I mean the sum of mental and physical phenomena that make up the sense of an illusory "I".
Day 3
On this day an amazing discovery: I discovered that I had access to the first 4 jhanas. I really don't know how this happened. It just felt like a gift and I really am not too familiar with jhanas anyway but I checked and they so correspond to their descriptions. No idea how. One moment I was in high equanimity and the next I just found how I could will the mind into an absorbed version of the 11th nana which I intuitively knew as the 4th jhana. I even experimented with 5th, 6th, 7th and maybe 8th but they felt weak and also I had this strong intuition that they weren’t necessary and I basically could use the 1st, 2nd and 3rd to get to the 4th again and from there keep noting away at the sensations of the illusory "Self". It was so fascinating and my resolve to attain 1st path got stronger. But it still wasn't happening. Craving for 1st path came up so intensely it began to push me backward.
Note: It is my experience and the experience of other yogis that noting can get you into jhanic territory at the same time as practicing insight. Very effective in my opinion. Also, specific nanas have a corresponding jhana. For example, the 11th equanimity of formations nana corresponds to the 4th jhana. Since I was in high equanimity a lot , when I stopped investigating and noting and let myself be absorbed in the sensations, the mind shifted into the 4th jhana. For a good explanation of this see Kenneth Folk's explanation here :
http://kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/Jhana+and+%C3%91ana
Day 4
So I felt this craving arising for 1st path all morning. I think I may have fallen back into the 10th Re-observation nana because I went through a very rough couple of hours with some heavy and negative flow of sensations at the chest area. I was getting fed up with the craving for path and then Goenkaji gave the 2 hour no-moving addithana sit and I went through the most hellish pain I have ever experienced. I remember yelling in my mind "I hate you Goenka! Please, stop talking!" It was so intense and my knees felt like they were ready to explode. I came out of that sit exhausted and ready to give up. And I did. I unresolved my vow so to speak and just said "Right, whatever, I don't care if I don’t attain anything" The rest of the day I was like that. Totally couldn't give a stuff about 1st path.
Note: I should have included the craving sensations into the noting...but I was still somewhat of a noting novice. Still got it done though.
Day 5
4.30am to 6.30am
So I begin to practise and its back to high equanimity because I am relaxed and I will the mind up to what I believe was the 4th Jhana and start observing "Self". I have breakfast noting all the way:tasting, tasting, feeling, swallowing. It really was non-stop noting.I am quite relaxed now as I seemed to have stopped craving path.
8am - 10.49am
I continue to work as above and the blipping in and out of the sensations of the illusory "Self" starts getting slower (or rather they are not being read as "Self") and about 4 seconds are seen of the "Self" as just a dance of sensations along with those sensations in the head that are in between blips, so it seems the subject is joining the object and just becoming one massive bare sensate experience.
Then at about 10.50, something clicks and that massive bare sensate experience of the sensations, previously known and seen as "Self", as "Nick", is seen so clearly. This simple insight felt so profound that this amazing feeling of happiness and pleasantness descended throughout the body. Nothing happens at this stage and the gong for lunch is sounded and I leave my cell to walk to the dining hall. All the while thinking of this mindblowing insight which has been staring me in the face all along. I get there at about 11.05, sitting on a bench waiting to enter the dining hall.....and then the mind turns in on itself again onto that massive bare sensate experience of all these sensations just dancing about. No "Self" anymore. Then it just appears naturally. The knowing of the Anatta/Non-self characteristic. The thoughts...."Holy crap, this is just fluff. The "Self" is just so substanceless. Just fluff!". Then the knowing of Anicca/Impermanence characteristic arises directly after it and the thought, "Wow, it's just the sum of sensations dancing about, as soon as they arise they stop dead." When I think back to this moment, it felt like the actual written words appeared in the mind. With these two characteristics known fully, immediately the Dukkha/Unsatisfactoriness characteristic just made complete sense!!!!!! And then...
I felt my head being pulled up slightly at the crown of the head and I felt like something "big" was about to happen. There was a mental reaction of anticipation and I managed to start noting it, but as it all happened so fast I only managed to note it with the word "noted"......and I felt sucked up into something unknown and spat out....... and with my eyes closed it looked like the sun was right in front of my eyes. I opened them and just thought..."What the hell! What was that....?". I really just felt massively stunned for several moments. And then started asking myself "Was that it?"
It felt almost like an anticlimax and I had been awaiting something more spectacular. So I am just stunned and waiting in line to be served lunch. And I'm just thinking "Was that it? What happened?" ...I sit down with my food and it just hits me.....Something is different! "What was it?". Then I clearly see that my mind feels like an open sky when it was previously cloudy. And that niggling horribly subtle agitation that seemed to constantly come out my throat had completely disappeared. I felt no craving for enlightenment. No desire to get it done. It was so unexpected. I was completely stunned. I couldn’t eat lunch because any appetite that I had wasn't felt anymore. I went straight to the teacher and he just told me to relax and lie down for some time, be aware of the extremities.
Note: There is a definite change in perception here. The sensations within the head gives the impression that there is more space, more room within. Like your mind has opened up and out. The illusory "Self" though still felt intact and still "sticky". When I closed my eyes, it was like just one big open space. All sensations throughout the body were insanely obvious. There was also quite a blissful feel to the whole experience as well. I just felt like I was "home". The body was buzzing with subtle blissful sensations.
So I soon find out within 30 minutes that I was cycling. Within 5 minutes sitting in my bed there were 3 cycles as this ball of energy or whatever made its way up the spine stopping at each of the chakra points for lack of a better term and then reaching the top of the head, CONK! I rushed back to the teacher and he just said to be in sampajaña. And it seems I am looking for validation as the ego seemed to want that.
Note: Here is where my language is a bit off. That "conk" was a fruition/cessation moment when the mind shuts down. Nothing is remembered of that fraction of a moment , only before and after it. For a good explanation of fruitions see :
http://bit.ly/b5GkAU
The chakras seem to be real. There is something going on at each of the points that the chakras correspond to. I never was a big believer in such things until I started experiencing so much activity in each spot. These days, it's all happening at the brow, third eye area and the top of the head at the crown. The cycling is what ones goes through as an insight meditator. You cycle through the nanas/knowledges/stages of insight again and again until you get up to the equanimity of formations/sankharas stage enough times for insight to mature and then the path moment/stream entry occurs out of the blue. For someone pre-path, they cycle through the nanas up and down constantly, sometimes staying in one nana for long periods. Without practice, you will need to start from the 1st nana and make your way up again. That is why momentum is key. If you stop meditating , you make no progress. And it sucks if you have crossed the Arising and Passing nana and Dissolution nana and you have to dwell in the following dukkha nanas for long periods, which was my case for years.
After stream entry the cycling starts always from the 4th nana, The Knowledge of Arising and Passing Away up to Knowledge of Fruition/Cessation and then back to the 4th. When you are ready to move to the next stage of enlightenment, 2nd (Sakadagami), you drop back into the 1st nana, Knowledge of Mind and Body to start another insight cycle, or a lot of insight cycles again and again until the next path is achieved. Back to the course....
The cycles started going on a bit more maybe 2 every 10 minutes. Then it slowed down significantly and some heavy crap was felt as this thing made its way up the spine it seemed and stopped at each juncture to what seems to burn out the rotten sensations there. It was so fascinating...it really felt like they were being burned out.
Note: I was still very much attached to the idea that you "eradicate sankharas". My opinion has since changed concerning this notion in order to get stream entry. However, I am not against the idea of coming out of sankharas eventually further down the path. ;)
I remember something Kenneth Folk had written on the Dharma Overground on how to check if you have dipped. Flutter you eye lids and watch for the last flutter and the end of the last sensation. I did this, the mind was immediately pulled into something unknown, there is a conk out (fruition) and a wave of bliss 3 seconds later. I also realise that I can will the mind into that build up of energy before that unknown moment in the conk out(fruition) and remain in it. I started meditating in it and I seemed to be powering through and the cycles got faster.
Note: This weird jhanic state is still weird. I discussed it with Daniel Ingram at the Dharma Overground and a few others at Kenneth Folk's site. Here are the links:
http://kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/3671599/Nirodha+Samapatti+VS+Phala+Samapatti.+Is+there+a+difference%3F
and
http://bit.ly/brPf44
In one sit I had so many (fruitions) one after the other. The teacher just told me to be equanimous and meditate in the cell and not the hall. He wasn’t giving any ideas away that he may know what I was experiencing. I also discover that I can will the mind into 8 distinct mental absorptions whenever I want. And cycle through them quite fast back and forth. I also realise that there is a very superficial state to each and if I want, I can go much, much deeper by just willing the mind.
Day 6
I can't meditate or rather I don't want to. I just feel so relaxed and blissed out. I just don't want to be at the centre. I remember feeling..."Damn, I cant believe this has happened on the 5th day and I've still got 5 days to go...hahah!" I started just playing around with the holding that build up of energy before a conk out (fruition) and releasing it. If you can imagine me lying on a beach smoking a big joint, that's what it felt like lying in my cell. Hehe!
Day 7
I am still too blissed out and without any desire to meditate. I mention to the teacher that I have access to all the jhanas including this weird one where I can will the mind to remain in that build up before a fruition. The teacher says the Buddha attained enlightenment through doing vipassana in the jhanas and this kind of gives me my second wind and I start practising by cycling through the jhanas and letting this fascinating cycling process up the body continue. At this stage I am experiencing between 5 and 10 cycles per hour.
Note: Still don't know what that weird jhanic state is. But many things can be experienced using the state just before a fruition occurs as a jumping point. Including jhanas other than the usual 8. See here for an explanation:
http://kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/20+Major+Strata+of+Mind
Day 8
I have been sleeping maybe 2 hours a night and on the night of the 7th day I hear this voice in my head start going over the moment that this all started. And this naturally feeling review period starts. I go back to the moment it happened and see that massive bare sensate experience again, no "Self", just dancing impermanent sensations, all fluff and I experiment switching the characteristics around as this is observed. I become aware that there are three distinct experiences when you dip (have a fruition) depending on which characterisitc is being considered last. The anatta one is really smooth and sometimes passes without me noticing. (It feels very smooth as there seems to be a build up of sensations/energy just an inch or so below the crown of the head as well as an inch or two behind the brow area and then the cessation moment occurs and then a bliss wave 2 or 3 seconds after spreads through the body). Often when I am trying to go to sleep I am jolted back by this one occuring. The annica one is more the CONK! (This feels a little more obvious than that anatta fruition and is focused more at the crown) and the dukkha one which I now realise is what I initially went through, has swift sucking up sensations an inch below the crown occur , in the brain, then the cessation moment and then release and bliss waves.
Note: There are three doors to fruition/cessation that correspond to the characteristics. I went through the dukkha door for stream entry.
I also start obsessing about how and who I am going to tell this to. This goes on all night, 3 or 4 hours of reviewing. Insane! I am not meditating but just sitting and watching what I did repeat itself again and again. The cycles seem to slow down a lot and I can't recall how many passed an hour.
Day 9
Reviewing again until about 1pm and I feel too chilled out to meditate. I am just bored and wanting to go out and tell specific people but then I get a surge of mental energy and I leave my cell to go sit the 2.30-3.30 group sit with all the other students.
Note: What happened to me next has only happened then and maybe once or twice after in the following week. It hasn't happened since then. But concerning this first episode , I havent heard any other yogi having had this experience. So I have no idea what happened to me. I would love an explanation, so Kenneth and anyone else, feel free to speculate.
Note: The "Conks" and "Dips" where fruitions/cessation moments that happened repeatedly one after the other uncontrollably. This was my way at the time of describing them. I have never heard of any other yogi going through this. Weird!
So I start by going up to 4th jhana and cycle up and down the jhanas somewhat. Then something interesting happens. The cycling starts getting faster to the point that all I experience is constant conking out but majorly fast one after the other. It was freaky and when I reacted with fear or any reaction, it stopped and when the mind was equanimous, it sped up. It was like this. Dip! Dip! Dip! Dip! Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip! Dip! Dip! Dip! Dip! Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip! These last ones start pushing my whole body backwards and my neck feels like it is being pushed back and down into my torso. I would rearrange myself at the slight interval between dipping fits. My neck still hurts from it. The group sit ends. This has been going on for about 45 minutes and I basically crawl to the teacher right in front of me to ask what the hell is happening. He just says to go to my cell!
So I leave the hall but then I realise the cycling which seemed to have died down starts speeding up and I have my first experience of the conk out while my eyes are opened. I walk out of the hall and manage to sit down on a bench while I am attacked by a massive dipping fit. The teacher walks past and I call out his name but I keep getting cut off by the conking out and he sees me and tells me to quickly shuffle off to the teacher's hall. All the while having these insanely fast cycles while I am walking. My eyelids flick down as I conk out each time. When I react with a "What the hell!" reaction they stop but my mind feels naturally drawn to being equanimous and they continue. I reach the hall and by this time the cycles seem so fast my head keeps getting pulled back and my neck strained back as well. He asks me what I am feeling and I can't answer him because my voice keeps getting cut by the conking out. It was such a surreal situation. I remember somehow spitting out;
"I...CONK....am..CONK...equ...CONK..nimous...CONK...."
I laugh at it now but I reacted a bit with a few moments of fear which interrupted the strange conking out. Equanimity, however, was stronger and it continued for about 15 minutes more in front of the teacher.
Eventually the fruitions die down and I am told to go to my room and lie down and forget about the rest of the course. There is only one day left anyway.
Note: The teacher also said that I should go back to my room and "review" what had just happened. He still was not verifying anything for me.
I manage to get back to my room and lie down. 20 minutes pass and my body is feeling these impossibly subtle sensations that I feel insanely sensitive and blissed out. But as the "dip fit" seems to finally dissipate I get up and immediately I realised that "I" was different. It felt like a massive chunk of "me" had fallen away and the mind seemed a 1000 times more open and clear than the first time. The sense of illusory "Self" was still there, but in a sense that it felt like it was at the back of the mind, like a mor impersonal "witness" or "observer"; still somewhat "sticky" but impossibly lighter, with the mind feeling "bigger", more spacious and powerfully concentrated. It also feels like all my inhibitions, negativity, worry and a major chunk of craving is not there any more. When I focus on the jhanas I access them at a frighteningly faster speed and they feel mundane as opposed the the "wow factor" they had after first dipping (Path Moment).
Note: This was weird time. I really thought I had gotten another path. Who knows? It is too soon for some to say that. Usually 2nd path occurs a number of months after 1st path in the experience of many yogis I've read and heard about, as far as I know. But since then I've have had big perception shifts after specific "fruitions". These days, I feel obviously very normal as the mind has acclimatizedbut directly after this experience, the mind felt "otherwordly". The space which I previously mentioned was felt in the mind was now all encompassing. Much, much bigger than after the first fruition experience. Today the mind is still similar to this, with perhaps the feeling of "I" much less than before but still very subtly there at the back of the mind. Just much, much more impersonal and seen with ease to be just a pattern of sensations. In fact I feel so normal. I can't really remember well how the mind felt pre-path. The illusory "I" was more solid and the centre of experience . Anyway...back to the course..
I also feel a repulsion for this conceited "I" which is popping up generally with the harsh sensation coming out the throat. But it dissipates after 2 hours leaving the whole front of the body feeling free from any negativity.
Day 10-Metta Day
I feel an amazing change in myself. and when people start communicating with me I feel so genuine towards them. I am not pretending anything for anyone. I feel so content to just sit wherever I am. I feel like a big round stone you see in a zen garden. Just sitting there and letting people approach and having these genuine exchanges without any judgements. My stare is unmoving and piercing as I look at people. I don’t get tired by all the talking and conversation. I tell two of my closest Dhamma friends what happened and we talk dhamma until late night like it was the time of the Buddha. I feel like the single most important event in my life has taken place. I am shaking my head in wonder but so content. Just sitting there like a stone...but at times real conceited which repels me. I don’t feel like meditating at all and there aren't any obvious moving through the nanas. Just a pressure between the eyes is felt.
Note: I also discover the efficacy of utilizing the bliss waves that occur after a fruition/cessation moment to generate metta.
Day 11 -End Today 7th January 2010
In the morning I feel a cycle start from the A/P nana to dissolution to a major fear which creeps up into the mind. I leave the centre and tell a couple more close Dhamma friends of my experience.
Later today at home... I get to my parents house but find it vacant and locked. My mind is an open sky and there is no agitation for having to wait around for them to arrive. I start talking to myself and reviewing insights I had gained. So content just to be anywhere.
Later.. My forehead hurts and pressure is felt between the eyes. My body feels not of my own and my sense of "self" keeps warping in and out and the body feels like it is in the ocean and being rocked back and forth by the waves. The sensations are intense, almost too intense but the mind seems to stay equanimous automatically. I am not freaking out at all.
Oh, and I have also discovered that if I focus attention on any phenomena within the body with one of the three characteristics being pondered on, I get one of those conk outs (fruition). Example...watching the end of the touch of breath in the nose...CONK!
Note: This was all written the day the course ended. So I was still feeling the after effects of such an eventful course. There are a few things I left out in the initial write up. I forgot to mention that at one stage during day 2, I found a toilet roll and ripped it in half and put it at the bottom of my meditation cell door and put two cushions on either side. The light shining under the door came directly through the toilet roll giving me a light kasina to stare at. I did that up until day 5 when the path moment occurred. I stopped after that. But it got me very concentrated and I believe it was a key influence in what happened later on. |