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Putting it out there: The journal of an investigation

Brief summary of where I'm starting out: I lead a layperson's life in the USA, working part time and generally keeping the 5 precepts. I had SE a little over a year ago and gave up regular, daily practice about 5 months ago. For the last couple of months, I have been trying to stare at a kasina, but I would usually find myself just closing my eyes and getting cessations after a few minutes. When I have a break, I like to sit down or lie down for a few minutes and have cessations. I realized only very recently that those are "real" cessations, that I'm actually recalling them like one is "supposed to" be able to. I discounted them for a long time because they did not have "bliss waves" attached to them like the couple of "big" ones I have experienced so far. However, the fact that my mind prefers those over anything else, be it everyday life or samādhi, eventually led me to admit to myself that I'm not just constantly tired to the point of nodding off whenever I close my eyes for a few minutes. Now that all this is relatively clear, I want to again start formal, daily insight practice.

Inspired by SN 1.1, I want to make sure to practice at least daily (not to "stop"), while at the same time avoiding any "straining:" For example, I will not vow to sit at least two hours a day right from the start.

I just did my first "test session:" I sat straight, with my eyes closed, truly making an effort to investigate rather than just doing the same old thing. I used explicit mental notes only every few seconds, to make sure I wasn't getting carried away for too long. Between notes I stayed with the experience itself, directly, intimately, trying to be completely nonreactive.

The most noticeable difference to my insight practice from before was that I seemed able to have much less perception springing from sight-contact. I think this was a result of my recent attempts at kasina practice. Actually not just sight-contact, but all 5 external senses seemed that way. This made the session much more pleasant than I remember vipassanā, but kind of viscous, almost solid. I perceived about 1 to 2Hz vibrations of seeing and/or thinking, back and forth between left and right. After probably about 10 minutes, much faster vibrations of the sense of touch started appearing, the kind I remember from months ago. Not many of them appeared, though. During the last few minutes of the session something started creeping in that I didn't properly recognize/acknowledge, and it led to the desire to end the session, which I then did. I checked my watch, and it had been a total of 20 minutes.

The plan now is to sit at least once a day, each day for one minute longer than the last, starting with 21 minutes tomorrow, until I get to 45 minutes, at which point I will re-evaluate.

Other notable experiences from this session: At one point, for a couple of seconds, a fairly clear visual of my kasina (blue disk on black) came up; and a couple of times that pleasant feeling (in the sense of touch) that comes before jhāna appeared. (I usually note it as "rising energy.")

RE: Putting it out there: The journal of an investigation
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3/24/12 7:52 AM as a reply to Dauphin Supple Chirp.
This session was 21 minutes. It started out with a general feeling of discomfort and lack of concentration. I noticed that there was a constant sound outside, probably some sort of engine. Tension in my face and stomach, to the point of feeling slightly nauseated. I tried to find a spot in the body that was not affected by the tension, but couldn't. The mind kept coming up with saṅkhāras: people, places, plans, memories. It was rather uncomfortable. Then I saw how the mind was just trying to escape from the present moment, which was this reality of noise and tension and anxiety, by going into the future. This insight made me feel like I had learned something. This feeling itself colored the entire rest of the session and made it somehow a lot more comfortable. On a couple of occasions, A&P style clarity and speed started creeping in a little bit, but most of the session was kind of murky, slow, and viscous compared to what I'm "used to."

RE: Putting it out there: The journal of an investigation
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3/25/12 5:40 AM as a reply to Dauphin Supple Chirp.
This was 22 minutes. I didn't quite manage to sit still. It's getting quicker, less viscous, more unpleasant. I feel physically sick this morning. I think the 8 precepts might be in order. Tension around and in my belly. I felt cold, weak, and nauseated. I guess it's because I'm eating too much, at the wrong time, and not the right kind of food.

When there is an instance of relaxation in the body, it is pleasant, and then the mind latches onto that pleasantness, creating more relaxation in a greater area of the body. I want to see how all this starts, but can't make it out quite clearly.

Today I'm going to do an uposatha half-day at the local meditation monastery. Tomorrow I work early, so that will probably leave me with more than a 24 hour period without food, which I expect to have a positive effect on my physical wellness.

RE: Putting it out there: The journal of an investigation
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3/26/12 4:37 AM as a reply to Dauphin Supple Chirp.
When I got up, my body still felt sick and tired, so I decided to sit in the half lotus position today rather than using the meditation bench. It had the expected effect. The session itself was 23 minutes long. Everything was softly brilliant, sort of like a mellow and subtle A&P. Most notable was the sound of the refrigerator, which is normally unpleasant to neutral. It was slightly pleasant today. When it ended, that was also pleasant. In the beginning, my concentration was not the best, but toward the end it was sufficient to where everything felt calm, but clear. I am going to get ready for work now.

RE: Putting it out there: The journal of an investigation
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3/26/12 7:03 PM as a reply to Dauphin Supple Chirp.
I have been noticing a lot of slow "oscillations," for example between the upper and lower part of the front of the chest. The frequency is usually around 2 Hz.

RE: Putting it out there: The journal of an investigation
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3/27/12 4:39 AM as a reply to Dauphin Supple Chirp.
24 minutes. Again I felt sick and tired before I sat down, so I chose the half lotus position. After about 5 minutes, I tried to detect the 5 hindrances, but couldn't. I sat rather still, which produced a pleasant feeling in the body, which led to a happy feeling in the mind. Everything was rather normal and boring, mostly hearing and thinking. I got complacent and planning started creeping in. I caught it after about a minute. At one point, itches started appearing. Metta to the rescue. Sudden noises still cause the same quick and not quite clear cascade in the body and mind.

RE: Putting it out there: The journal of an investigation
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3/28/12 5:02 AM as a reply to Dauphin Supple Chirp.
This session was 25 minutes. There is not much to report. Some itches, thinking, hearing, increasing calmness. Concentration got better at first, but then started declining. When I caught that, I just started mentally saying, "this, this, this, this," as fast as I could, which I think hat a positive effect on concentration.

RE: Putting it out there: The journal of an investigation
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3/29/12 4:34 AM as a reply to Dauphin Supple Chirp.
Today's session was 26 minutes. I started seeing more clearly some subtle aversion precipitated by a droning noise outside. I think progress may come from finding the right balance between clumsy clinging to noting and sitting back, letting the mind go on autopilot to cessations.

RE: Putting it out there: The journal of an investigation
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3/30/12 9:42 PM as a reply to Dauphin Supple Chirp.
Today's session (27 minutes) occurred in the late afternoon rather than the early morning. Among the new developments was that I noted restlessness and uncertainty. The uncertainty was whether I was going to move or not. When I moved, the uncertainty didn't go away, because in each moment I might move again, regardless of what I just did. It was a little bit weird, but nothing spectacular.

RE: Putting it out there: The journal of an investigation
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3/31/12 5:20 AM as a reply to Dauphin Supple Chirp.
Today's session was 28 minutes. At one point, it felt like my mind was very big and as if there were several personalities in there. None of them felt like me or mine. I have been noticing an unusually high amount of contentment generated by sitting still. Nothing feels brilliant or quick (yet).

RE: Putting it out there: The journal of an investigation
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4/1/12 7:23 AM as a reply to Dauphin Supple Chirp.
29 minutes. There was a great deal of equanimity, but it didn't feel like the 11th nana. Then again I'm really bad at judging where I am at the time. The most predominant features of this session were calmness in the body, mainly legs and arms, gladness in the mind, then a strong warm feeling developed. There was a lot of mental activity, but nothing that really stands out.

RE: Putting it out there: The journal of an investigation
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4/2/12 5:05 AM as a reply to Dauphin Supple Chirp.
Today I got a chance to observe a worried mind. As I sat down, I started noticing a dripping sound, which remained constant (as constant as dripping water is) throughout the session. About a couple of minutes into the session, my left knee started feeling cold, as if wet. This also felt real and remained (conventionally speaking) unchanged. Worries came from the thought that my apartment was flooding.

Again there was great calm in the body, starting from the legs and hands.

I'm starting to notice the weird images and thoughts much quicker, almost like A&P, but no "spectacular side effects" (yet). One example was a red object whose image came up; then I noted red; then a red dot appeared for a moment; This sparked a kind of cascade where the mind kept bouncing around between the word "red" and red images or visualizations for a while. Generally I'm noticing more clearly how apparent permanence of concepts in the mind works. I say "apparent" because it's really a bunch of different mental sense impressions (interrupted by lots of other events) that have certain characteristics in common and are therefore experienced as one concept.

When I got up after 30 minutes, I turned on the light and started to investigate about the dripping. My knee was dry and I couldn't hear or see any dripping anymore.

RE: Putting it out there: The journal of an investigation
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4/3/12 4:48 AM as a reply to Dauphin Supple Chirp.
31 minutes. I sat very still today. There was a lot of thinking, and thinking about the thinking, and thinking about the thinking about the thinking. The big stillness/calmness in the legs wasn't there today. Instead lots of subtle vibrations. At one point I needed a label for the discrepancy between wanting to be still and the lack of total physical and/or mental stillness. I started using "dukkha" and later discovered that there are a lot of discrepancies like that, so I started using that label quite a bit. The clarity is about what I remember from A&P, but no spectacular side effects. On some level a great stillness is developing. Sitting through it all was relatively very easy today. There were very few thoughts about time (how much time was left in the session), if any.

RE: Putting it out there: The journal of an investigation
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4/4/12 4:55 AM as a reply to Dauphin Supple Chirp.
32 minutes. The mind was wandering a lot, so I used a lot of slow noting. Images of faces kept popping up. I felt strong attraction to the female ones and aversion to the male ones, which always looked angry and dangerous. There was a weird pulsating sensation throughout the body, about 1Hz, but definitely not like a heartbeat. It feels like I'm regressing rather than progressing, but I know that is not necessarily a bad thing.

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4/5/12 5:04 AM as a reply to Dauphin Supple Chirp.
I sat for a little more than 33 minutes today. I only started the timer a couple of minutes into the session. Again, and more so than before, my body was very still throughout the entire session, but the mind kept daydreaming and planning. I think I'm having a hard time disidentifying with the bodily stillness, but at the same time the mind just seems to escape. Sitting still is so easy right now and meditating so hard. emoticon

RE: Putting it out there: The journal of an investigation
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4/5/12 5:43 AM as a reply to Dauphin Supple Chirp.
You could try anchoring in on an object while you practice, like the rising & falling. Michelle McDonald said it can be very good for getting you out of the head and strengthening the pleasant calm concentration aspect of the practice. There will be lots of sensations in the breath around the belly, but just notice the most predominate and give it a label, like rising fast, falling tight, rising warm, falling tight, or; start rising rising until full and then full, the point being to be with sensations moment to moment.
You seem to have a lot of thinking, but I guess its that way for everyone at points & early in the practice. Lastly at Dharmaseed.org there are a lot of free talks by Michelle McDonald. listening to the dhamma during retreat sometime produced some of my best sessions. metta, g'luck.

PS I liked this thread by Ingram, cause it talks about some approaches for how to practice, along with the progress of practice. But the points for you, might be to look at some of the different ideas of how to practice that Ingram presents in this thread. http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/1973107 its called "The Hierarchy of Vipassana Practice"

RE: Putting it out there: The journal of an investigation
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4/6/12 5:26 AM as a reply to Dauphin Supple Chirp.
Today's session was 34 minutes. I have been sitting half lotus ever since I started this thread, but I think it's time to switch to the bench now. I was much more focused on the present experience today, even though I didn't sit quite as still as the last couple of days. What I did to make sure I stay on track is (mentally) increase the volume or intensity of noting. In the end, I got to the point where I could turn the noting volume almost all the way down without losing the present moment, and that, of course, allowed an even more immediate and richer experience. Most sensations were unpleasant, with pleasantness mainly coming from the disappearance of tension.

RE: Putting it out there: The journal of an investigation
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4/6/12 5:27 AM as a reply to Neem Nyima.
Thank you for the input! I re-read Daniel Ingram's post.

RE: Putting it out there: The journal of an investigation
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4/7/12 5:37 AM as a reply to Dauphin Supple Chirp.
35 minutes on a bench. The noisy environment is getting kind of old. emoticon

Using the breath as the resting place, I started to see more detail of how body and mind interact and how the mind recognizes which phenomena belong to a concept and which don't. Toward the end I noted energy and restlessness.

RE: Putting it out there: The journal of an investigation
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4/8/12 6:07 AM as a reply to Dauphin Supple Chirp.
Today's session of 36 minutes was kind of confusing. I have been socially rather active this weekend, and naturally that gives rise to thoughts that spill into meditation. At the same time, I'm noticing how the mind is already much better at interrupting itself, "thinking, thinking" and never really getting carried away on a train of thought anymore. The bench is not all it's cracked up to be, so at the risk of the legs being the limiting factor, I'm going to make half lotus my "official" position from now on. I have been doing it a lot anyway.

Subtle vibrations are starting to become more and more apparent. One weird thing that happened today was what felt like a gross vibration of about 70 Hz right at the center of the body, sort of in front of the lowest part of the spine, which seemed to last for almost a minute. I remember finding it pretty neat for a few seconds before I noted "pleasant, pleasant," upon which it started to fade out.