| | Hi Jacki,
Thanks for your response.
Yes, when I sit initially the thoughts are such that I've to fight not getting caught up with them and at some point this fight becomes effortless and that too on an auto-pilot mode.
Case I: When I start meditation, typically following happens: Thoughts coming, I can FEEL I'm stuck in them, I SENSE that mindfulness is weak, they are bothering me at various parts of the mind/body. Can feel the pressure at various points. So I give an effort to pick an object and continuously FEEL it's presence. Thoughts still are coming and distracting me, I'm again fighting. In this process there is a slight stress of push and pull. On some sitting this phase continues till the end, or it changes to case II.
Case II: At some point in my meditation: I notice that my ablity to stay with an object (say how I am feeling the breadth) has increased many fold.I start enjoying the joy that comes from it and remain aware how in life THIS joy is missing. When thoughts come, they do not pull me that away as they were a while back. And even when they pull, my mindfulness SEES that hapenning, it picks up some sensate reality of DISCOMFORT that has surfaced most apparently inside of me, takes a decision that being with this new reality is good for me, and loses initial object for a small while and start being with this new reality. When that happens, I experience some joyful releases here and there (sometimes lasting for a tiny moment, other times may be as long as some minutes, I don't know) and when I realize that my discomfort is gone I can be with the old object again or pick some joyful state as object from then on.
Sorry to be so elaborate.
Hemant |