Adam . .:
if i ask myself haietmoba, i seem to be doing an attention to a fabricated object of 'experience as a whole.' it seems to be the same effect as just "paying attention" to 'experience.' overall it is fairly pleasant. when i try to 'allow consciousness to show itself' or something along those lines, and drop the effort to 'pay attention'. what seems to happen is that i start thinking that i am not actually aware of anything, that awareness is simply not present. this doesn't make rational sense, because it isn't as if i am focusing on anything to the exclusion of everything else or am distracted, so one speculation is that 'knowing' experience in the moment is going on, but it just seems like it isn't. the other speculation is that when i try to 'not focus' i end up paying attention to a feeling of 'watcher' or somehow rest my attention on some 'feeling of being.'
* because there is 'trying' involved. The 'trying' is the movemnt of mind to grasp and create an identity/relationship with the object. There is no 'try' in 'no focus'.
I would drop the whole 'is it fabricated or isn't it' thought stream and simply continue to ask HAIETOMBA and if it is fabricated, let it be there, maybe see it as fabricated but let it be there, and then keep asking HAIETOMBA, and just follow the same thing. Allow whatever is arising to show itself. It seems like there is some 'expectation' and 'trying' creeping into this practice?
Simply remind yourself that it is all happening by itself. Seeing occurs effortlessly, hearing occurs effortlessly. 'Trying' creeps in and co-opts the whole practice. This is simply letting go of that intent to 'try' and achieve something. HAIETOMBA, let the brain show you what it is cognising, let the body show what it is feeling, pleasantness or unpleasantness, it doesn't matter.
Notice that which is unsatisfactory (the trying) and simply recognise that it is arising, and don't do anything but recognise it. Usually simply recognising it arising is enough to stop fueling it. Ask HAIETMOBA.....recognition of the trying......HAIETMOBA........seeing, seeing, hearing, touch, touch.........trying to perceive and focus.....HAIETMOBA......and so on and on. What this is showing you is the arising of what is unsatisfactory versus what is not unsatisfactory, pure sense contact. Recognise it and keep using HAIETMOBA.
Felicity is also part of the actualist practice. it acts as a bridge from the tendency to fabricate to the recognition of the fleeting moments of pure sense contact. Felicity is a fabrication and a useful one at that. If you find frustration arising due to all those thoughts of 'is it fabricated or not'.....return to a sense of calm and well-being, a fabricated sense of felicity, then the mind will be more inclined to recognise the fleeting moments of pure sense contact.
Nick