Hi guys,
I already had one thread down the list, where I described my experiences, but I am still stuck
what to do next. There is this longing to just sit. In daily activities with people I am more passive
watching the peoples faces for signs of the little kid in them and Iam happy if that happens and oftentimes sad,
if thats not the case. I have an I-sense at the moment, but oftentimes if I go out and drink and being ecstatic
about the time and the people, the I-sense gets lost and control aswell. This is all happening and the emotions change
very often, now I am sad, so iam writing this, because I dont know what to do next. On the plan is a traineeship as a kindergarten teacher in one week, but Iam not sure if I can just do this, because I have this longing to just sit, until something happens.
Its very weird, as I had for 8 days in daily activities the experience Daniel describes here and now its again different and normal
life just seems to be suffering most of the time, with exception to the things I described on top.
Daniel Ingram:
Emptiness can mean that phenonema, all of them, arise on their own, vanish on their own, and, as they occur as just a part of the universe unfolding and doing its thing, rather than some separate self creating them or being them, they are empty of a permanent, separate self, and instead are just a part of natural reality.
I have the feeling I will go into the dark night, or maybe I am mentally ill with derealisation.
Its maybe also important to mention, that sometimes if I meet people there seems to be a very good concentration and
I have the feeling people are drawn to me or so, yesterday I went out with younger kids and they got into trouble with
some others and there was nearly this fight and I went to that troublemaker and just looked into his eyes and he calmed down
completely. This 8 day experience changed something really extreme, because I am not afraid anymore in a sense like it was before. there is still fear as emotion, but in a different context.
A lot of words, the point is iam oftentimes sad and I dont want that so often,
The character Ricky Fitts in American Beauty and his words represent perfect, what I have seen in the experience and
this deep sadness or appreciation of beauty is now very much of my ongoing experience.
Iam very grateful for hints and tips,
Thank you very much!