[EDIT 15.7.2012: This post is a good example of jumping to conclusions too quickly when trying to make a self diagnosis.]Hi DhO members,
I have not posted much here before, but I have read some threads to find advice for my own practice. Now I am writing this entry, because I will most likely need some advice in future if I am going to pursue the second path. I assume it will be easier to get answers if people know what I have done so far. So feel free to comment or ask questions if you like to have clarifications about something. I will certainly ask some questions later. Also, I do not mind at all if you doubt my descriptions, so feel free to ask more confirmation when necessary.
1. Beginning to meditate (2008 - March 2012) I got interested in the mind stuff around 2008 when I started to notice that I was very often thinking about past or future and it was difficult to relax, because my mind always wanted to have some action. On impulse I bought Tolle's book "Power of Now" and, encouraged by the book, started to observe my feelings and thoughts more often. I did not do formal sitting, but I got a habit of focusing on body sensations and feelings when walking or commuting to work, or when waiting something. Really experiencing realisations like "anxiety is very often caused by my own thought patterns" and "it feels really good to drop mind stories and just be" increased overall happiness considerably.
During the following years I continued the habit of observing thoughts and feelings quite actively. I read miscellaneous stuff about meditation (Mindfulness in Plain English, MCTB, Why Meditate, various articles about noting) but did not try formal sitting until March 2012. Then I decided to give a shot with focusing to breath (first abdomen, but switched to nostrils later) according to the instructions in Mindfulness in Plain English. I started with 5 min - 10 min sessions and when I really started to enjoy the relaxed concentrated feelings it was easier to do 20 min - 30 sessions.
In the end of March 2012 I had a session where the concentration suddenly deepened and very strong buzzing sensation came over and filled the mind and shook the body. Feeling of body vanished completely except for hands which felt really big. I was quite frightened, but partly managed to remember instructions and submit to the feeling and let it be. Buzzing lasted perhaps 10 minutes and faded slowly. The phenomenon did not happen ever again even if I got to some concentrated states. In hindsight, I am not sure if I my practice at the time was samatha or vipassana, as I did not really understand the difference.
3. Practising samatha (April - May 2012)A little later I decided to focus on samatha. Many books and articles encouraged to develop concentration first and I suspected that the informal practice I had done in the earlier years had been more on the mindfulness side. Reading MCTB and other texts about the concentration practices, I wanted to understand what samatha jhanas are about. Soon meditation started to be very fascinating. Many of the states were ridiculously pleasurable and I probably got somewhat hooked to them, which was good in the sense that I wanted to do it more and was really curious to find out more. Fortunately many sources warned about getting addicted to these temporary states. At this time I started to feel strange pressure around temples and between eyes - somehow pleasant but slightly annoying sometimes.
On the other hand, I was also confused with these altered states. I seemed to notice many transitions and separate states, but it was not easy to associate the states with the descriptions of jhana. The first state with one-pointed concentration, excitedness and tension was quite consistent, but its intensity varied a lot between sessions. Sometimes the tension grew almost unbearable and sometimes it relaxed very quickly to a more stable and peaceful state. This second state was also different from time to time. Sometimes it contained very pleasant burning and bubbling sensations in arms and legs, sometimes body sensations were not present clearly at all. After these two states I could not find any consistent order of states. I could feel slow and fast transtitions, sometimes states were very calm and peaceful, sometimes very intense and concentrated, sometimes body sensations vanished and sometimes pleasant burning sensations came back. I did not see any lights or other visual things.
After reading Shaila Catherine's book "Focused and Fearless", I spent some time practising moving between the states I considered as the first two or three jhanas. Gradually there was a subtle shift in my default state in daily life. If nothing special was happening, I seemed to gravitate towards observing breath and being in present moment. Sometimes jhana-like concentration started to emerge during daily activities feeling like some internal pressure wanted to come out. Sometimes the pleasant burning and bubbling body sensation stayed even if I continued to work. In such states I was very happy and it was easy to do things and let thoughts come and go.
4. Vibrations (May 2012 - June 2012)Having some confidence that I can enter the samatha jhana states in a minute (or in seconds if already in a meditative mood) and move between some of them, I decided to start concentrating on finding the vibrations. The main sources for my practice were MCTB and the the LessWrong article "Meditation, insight and rationality (Part 2)". I started to focus on breath so that I intentionally tried to really feel the sensation of breath again and again as quickly as possible. At first it felt like the mind was sluggish so that the attention could only really feel the sensation every one or two seconds. In a week or two, the attention became more flexible and at times it felt like I could feel and notice the sensation 2-4 times per second. I am not really sure if I used mental words in noting. I tried sometimes thinking "in, in, in, out, out, out out", but I perhaps just the feeling of mentally placing the attention to the sensation describes my noting better.
Around here, I started to feel weak pulsating sensations around the place where the breath felt in the nostrils. I could only feel them in the middle of the breaths and more clearly if I intentionally took a deeper breath. The frequency was about 4 Hz in the middle of a breath and seemed to be slower between the breaths. The pulses were soft and air-like: like a small tube blowing air with a vibrating object in front blocking and releasing the air stream at 4 Hz.
I continued observing the breath and vibrations in the meditation sessions. I was not sure whether I should observe the vibrations or the breath, but I guess the vibrations gradually became the main object, though I often needed the breath to find the vibrations again. In a few weeks, the vibrations became a bit stronger and I could sometimes feel them even with eyes open and not meditating. Just closing the eyes made them immediately stronger. I felt the vibrations only in the nostrils even if I pretty hard tried to find them in sight, hearing or hand touch. I think I could sometimes see vibrations in the eye lids when having eyes closed.
I relentlessy tried to force attention to every pulse in the breath and even to the sensation between the pulses. At some point I started to notice vibrations that was separate from the breath vibrations. The breath vibrations were located quite clearly around the nose area and their frequency was affected by the phase of the breath. The second vibration was more like inside the head and its frequency was more constant and usually faster. Maybe 10-20 Hz and sometimes even faster. I was not able to set my attention to every pulse, but I kept trying. Sometimes it felt like the mind was sucked into the pulses merging with them so that the whole head pulsed.
In the same way as in my samatha sessions earlier, I had quite clear transitions. The transitions were characterized by the one-pointedness of the focus and location of the focus inside the head. In the most usual transition, the focus became very one-pointed and located somehow more inside the head - almost in the back. I am not sure if I even crossed my eyes behind the eye lids. On the other hand, the states were not very consistent and I did not seem to recognize any clear pattern between the states. Some of the states I remember were:
- intense narrow focus
- stable wide focus
- very peaceful state with nothing happening
- dark and a bit scary states with gloomy bumpy walls moving slowly in background
All of these could be with vibrations or without clear vibrations and focus could be located in different parts of the head.
5. Equanimity (June 2012)At some point the order of the states became more clear and I started to associate them with the descriptions of the samatha and vipassana jhanas. I felt the states as follows:
- intense focus one-pointedly in front and between the eyes
- more stable quite peaceful state focus wider and in the back and quite low
- wide focus with muddy clouded center located in the middle; included sometimes gloomy feelings; sometimes several slightly different sub states
- light and peaceful state with wide focus located in the forehead (also some sub states here)
I also started to have some states in which I was kind of forced to press my eyes closed very tightly and make a wry face.
Some instructions encouraged to observe with wider focus in the later states, but somehow a more one-pointed focus (at least subjectively) seemed to move me forward better. Again I kept my attention on vibrations, moving attention intentionally once for a while to check if I am wanting something. Sometimes I tried to observe thoughts and feelings as objects, but it was difficult. Also, I did not see them vibrating.
When I started to reach the light and peaceful state after the gloomy states, I got some instructions to try looking at the observer. In one session I found a pulsing thing which, to some extent, seemed to move along with attention. It did not feel like an observer, but perhaps it is the closest thing to the observer I could find. In a few sessions I tried to observe it from different perspectives (more relaxed, wider focus, more one-pointed). I was very excited and I had lot of thoughts like "is it going to happen now?" Observing the vibrations in the thing seemed to make the vibrations stronger, but nothing happened.
6. Fruition (22th June)Yesterday, I had a similar session after which I went to read DhO discussion forums. In "Jason's Practice Journal", JB described his stream entry: "The appearance of a persistent thought stream gave me the clue to how to do it: The thought stream is the self. Merging with it, dissolving into it, the self dissolves." I decided to try this approach and it worked! I started meditating and got into the light peaceful state quite quickly. I started to observe the vibrations of the pulsating thing quite one-pointedly and the state and the vibrations got stronger again. I kept focus on vibrations but observed also the thought stream which was quite active as I was so excited. I kind of intentionally started to think that thoughts are not the self and kept relentlessy observing the vibrations and the thoughts at the same time. The energy of the state increased all the time and at some point the thought stream kind of became an object and moved apart from me. I think I had to close eyes very tightly and grin again. The state got stronger and the whole mind vibrated and I was already waiting for the *blip* which then happened and the peaceful silent darkness appeared. In a few seconds the body was filled with bliss.
I continued lying on the bed thinking "Was that it?" and tried to see if I feel different. I did but I was not sure if that was just temporary afterglow or something else. If I closed my eyes, I seemed to start immediately from the second jhana, which I had read to be a good sign. I think I tried to meditate a bit further, but ended up in a strange empty state and was a bit scared. I got up and wondered what to do next. I went to read MCTB and Kenneth Folk Dharma about the Review. After some reading I tried another test suggested by Kenneth Folk: jumping between samatha jhanas seemed to be very easy. Then I tried so see if I could get another fruition blip. I got quite quickly to the light peaceful state and started to observe the vibrating thing. I had to push quite forcefully through the intense vibrating state and suddenly I was in a silent dark state. I am not sure if fruition happened or if I just had dropped back to the dark gloomy states. There was no bliss wave and I felt slightly scary instead. Then I decided to sleep over night before trying anything else. I was slightly restless and unsure after the bliss faded and it was very hard to get sleep. I ended up reading more stuff about the second path before I managed to sleep.
Today I still managed to jump between samatha jhanas easily and went through the insight cycle once with fruition and small bliss wave. General feeling has been pretty happy and very light and it is easy to let thoughts come and go. Once for a while world looks somehow different, especially when walking outside, but it is hard to put in words. Anyway, I guess I have to just wait and look a few days and see how things look and feel now. Current plan for the next meditation sessions is just to observe and pursue nothing.
7. About my practice and daily lifeI have not had very regular practice schedule. Being 35 and having two kids (7 and 5 years old), I have tried to put in meditation minutes between daily routines whenever and wherever possible. My formal sessions have been mostly in the evening after 9 PM when kids are sleeping. In the beginning I sat, but a bit before the buzzing event I switched to lying on bed which felt more natural for me. I still prefer lying but sit sometimes if I get too sleepy. In addition to these sessions I have had some mini retreats at home if I have had a possibility to be alone for an evening or a day. The 40-minute bus ride to work and back to home has been the most regular time slot to dedicate on being present, observing feelings, thoughts and world, and letting everything simply to be. In the later stages I have done a few very concentrated vibration hunting sessions even in the bus. I suspect this mixing of daily life and meditation has helped to bring the meditative feeling in daily routines and to build momentum.
8. Miscellaneous things I have been wondering1) I did not notice any dark night outside meditation sessions and even in sessions the gloomy states were quite mild. My best guess is that it may be because of the gentle background of experiencing mind and body many years which had already removed many worries from my life. Or maybe I just happened to get over dark night quickly.
2) I have always been a bit doubtful about my samatha jhanas. They have been quite soft so that I can easily observe other things at the same time. On the other hand, observing other things does not seem to break the jhana states easily.
That's about it for now. Questions will surely follow as soon as things start to settle. Thanks for reading the post.