Hello! This is my first post on DhO and I'm really thankful for having a page like this so far. It's really interesting to read the experiences of other people, but I can't really compare them with my own point of view. I think its a little more complex in my situation.
I smoked very many weed when I was young 14-18. (now I'm 20) and I got a fear neurosis with the time, probably from weed. (social fear). The point is, that I also had mystical experiences when i was at this age. I remember one intensive dream, when I was sober. I was about 17. The dream was somehow lucid. I realised that I dreamt and there was a immense feeling of bliss, light and "weightlessness", which continued for some time after awakening. I did not practice any lucid dreams techniques at that time. (A&P?)
I had many mystical experiences in my life, but this one was the most impressive so far. As a child I was able to control my body heat. I intentionally made my body fevered, when I wanted to stay home from school. I had a experience with 19, when I was on LSD which felt like this http://www.jonathanrosenbaum.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/lsd.jpg and many "bliss" states with different psychedelics, mostly cannabis, from 14-19. Perhaps I can sometimes also see "auras", a foggy, magnetic like substance around living things.
the fear neurosis was there before the dream and is still there. It got better, when I started meditating (samatha, breath) with about 18, although there was never an enduring inner peace state. I think the hope for healing made me also very ecstatic, because I felt that there was something going on. Once after about 3 month of samatha meditating I saw that my balcony was vibrating. (A&P?) or rather my consciousness was vibrating.
After a time I started a vipassana retreat. I almost neglected my meditation practice months before. In the retreat I sometimes managed to sit still for an hour without any disgust, And sometimes there was heavy disgust. One evening my body was complety made out of tickling sensations for a while and this was very blissfull (which could also have been a lsd flashback)
After that almost everything changed. Vipassana(body scanning) made me feel distracted and depressive, after i have done it. but sometimes it was also chilling, especially when i laid down in bed after it.
I switch my meditations regularly. Now I make a mix of Choiceless Awareness, Samatha Breath Meditation, Metta Meditation, Counting Breaths, Self-Inquiry. And i have a form of meditation I call "dream meditation". It is a mix between reality checks, dreamlike feeling and sharp awareness. it is active it produces a surrealistic feeling. I had a few dream recognitions this month, although I neglected dream meditation weeks before.
Now my actual problem. I am never real happy. theres always something that keeps me down. There are often situations in my life where I only can think, when i actually should interact with people. there are strong feelings of self-disgust, helplessness, inferiority and incompetence. My mood changes of course. But I can't get as happy as I can get depressive. I feel as if I don't practice my meditation correctly, because I often get involved in misery thoughts, now especially when doing Choiceless Awareness. Metta is also hard to build up, during Metta Meditation. Should I swich to samatha breath watching? I feel misery in my heart area. its like a blockage. i also judge myself and other people very harshly, without wanting to.
don't know if am in the Dark Night, or if I have some sort of psychic illness, or if I have both? Am I a chronic dark night yogi? Meditation experiences so far:
- the point between my eyes gets an intense feeling (sometimes pulsing, sometimes it streams, st its hard st its like) almost every time I meditate
- fine body feelings, like electric pulses
- "Expansion of my body" like it is getting bigger
- Visions
- dimly light
- all sorts of vibrations
- stillness
- ecstasy
- feeling and steering energy
last week I was drunk and I "watched me". I did self-inquiry and Choiceless Awareness since 2 weeks before. It saw my self like in a movie. The things is happened to "Julian" not ~myself. is there a connection to anything else and what was that?
yesterday i was aware of my left foot for a while, while just sitting in a seminar. I could f.e. feel my breath in the food? I felt like a pushing pulsing.
So the e-book is written

I think that much information can help to analyse it better. and sorry for my bad english