Hey All,
Posting this here because I'm pretty sure I'm in the dark night, but I welcome everyone's input on this. This is probably going to end up really long, but I want to include as much info as possible. You can skip to the meditation part if you really want to

BACKGROUND
About 5 years ago I hit what I now interpret to be an A+P event, while tripping on LSA (a naturally occurring variant of LSD). At the time, I had no knowledge of meditation, and was strongly atheist, having walked out of church at a young age because nobody could give me a straight answer to my questions. I did have some basic knowledge of concepts like dualities, from my first trip taken several months before. I read a lot on various drug forums (and places like Erowid) even before the first trip, so info was obviously of questionable quality but I did manage to pick up a few nuggets: most importantly, I knew that what happened was amazingly significant, but wasn't enlightenment. (I really did want to think it was though.)
The event itself: I was having a reasonably rough ride, so for whatever reason I sat down and was playing with an orange. The thought popped into my head, "what if this orange was the world and I was holding the world up?" - think Discworld and the turtles/elephant, with me and my orange substituted. Since I was actually concentrating on one thing, my mind 'zoomed out' and then it happened. The main experience was very unitive. I felt a part of everything, and all knowing/all powerful. But I knew it was perfect and didn't want to change anything, even though I felt I could have done *ANYTHING* with less than a single thought.
(As I perceived it) I got immediately shocked back to reality. Reading MCTB, it looks like A+P is only supposed to last an instant anyway. I emerged fully convinced I knew the meaning of life and proceeded to spend the next several hours attempting to write it down. The results are as crazy as might be expected and in hindsight, I probably destroyed a lot of clarity looping around and around, desperately trying to capture everything on paper. (This was prompted by many forum stories of people reporting having figured out the meaning of life and then promptly forgetting it the next day.) I more or less succeeded though: what I carried forward was that since there is no point to anything, the point is whatever we choose. The next day I took a walk and had another mini zoom out, but nothing happened other than the typical post-trip afterglow.
Very soon afterwards I started my first job. This is when I first noticed various pains and tensions, originally in my jaw by then spreading. First head, then including neck/shoulders, then all over all the way down to the feet. I saw a couple of doctors around this time, none of whom had anything useful to say. I started chiro, and at her recommendation started at the gym/doing stretches. Both helped a little, very temporarily. My original assumption was that since I work as a programmer, the increased computing time and/or posture issues were causing the pains. That didn't really fit because for years I already spent a ton of time on the computer. The only other thing that seemed relevant was general stress.
The chiro did say I have Scheuermann's disease. Reading the 'presentation' section on wiki (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scheuermann's_disease) that does describe me reasonably well - not sure if there's much visible deformment, but I find myself wanting to hunch forward a lot. Would really appreciate if anyone knowledgeable could comment on this vs dark night issues, since obviously I can't ask the doctors.
Currently I'm just really sore and tense all the time with a near permanent headache of varying severity. The tension is heavily dominant on the right side (I don't quite remember when that started.) This is a major reason I want to hit stream entry ASAP, based on what I've read in MCTB. (The other reason being, it seems that the answers to the questions I've been interested in for a very long time lie in achieving path and getting a first hand look.)
Fast forward 4+ years. I found a copy of Neale Donand Walch's Conversations with God on a friends table. The blurb on the back of book 2 instantly clicked with my A+P event. Based on this, I took them home and immediately read them. This trigged an explosion of mental activity unlike anything since the A+P itself. In short, the books were the bridge that connected all the dots that allowed me to integrate what I had taken away from the A+P and actually do something with it. This put me on the path than lead to MCTB, which triggered its own mental explosion.
But before I found MCTB, about 3 weeks after CWG, my sister died in some complex and really fucked up circumstances. This was obviously rough, but my new found understanding helped a lot, i.e. the fact I KNEW death is not the end on top of the fact she was now free of a whole lot of general nastiness. The first night I felt the stages of grief pass very quickly, one after the other, in a few seconds. This helped me a lot. Obviously her death is still a significant event, but I don't think I'm repressing, not that I can really say for sure.
I mention all this for full disclosure.
That brings us up to the end of last year. Since then I kinda aimlessly circles, falling into many of the traps mentioned by Daniel and not making any consistent effort at any kind of practice. I did manage a fair mix of pretending to practice mixed in with beating myself up for not doing so.
The last month I've made a much more concerted and consistent effort, with some minor progress to show for it, but I'm struggling with the basics still. I also quit weed, which I smoked near constantly since before the first trips - that's how I got intrigued by LSD. I cut back a lot several months ago and totally stopped recently. No change to the pain or energy levels, now or in other breaks I've taken previously.
MEDITATION STUFF/QUESTIONS
My major issue is still getting train-wrecked by content. I guess that's just a case of more consistent practice. I was at a loss of how to find a decent teacher, but I have just discovered U Pandita actually runs a retreat centre an hour from my house! Super excited about this - he was busy last weekend but I'm really hoping to get in for a 1 or 2 day retreat this weekend to get started! Not sure if he is actually taking students though, so any suggestions on where I might find good teachers if this doesn't play out. (I'll obviously ask him this too.) I live in Melbourne, Australia.
Previously I didn't have too much luck with noting practice. I kept spinning out in content based on putting too much emphasis on the labelling process.
Before that I was trying to do breath concentration, and I've since come back to that, based on the very first instructions in Mahasi Sayadaw's basic notes. (Also doing walking meditation going to lunch, on the way to/from the station etc.) In the past week I have noticed a very slightly increase in concentration power, I can sometimes go longer before getting distracted. One thing I notice, I often go a lot better in the first few minutes of meditation, then the rest becomes at minim 50% content. Is this normal? What can I do about it?
One thing I noticed a while ago when I was doing a one off attempting to meditate looking at a crystal: my eyes needed to constantly be refocusing on the crystal in order to obtain a stable view/stable concentration. (I had this realisation solidly once but have not been able to repeat.) From this I extrapolate that when focusing on a mental object, I need to constantly be mentally 'refocusing' my attention in order to maintain the concentration. Is this right? I would assume there is some link going here to needing to be refocusing on each mind moment as it arises and passes, so as to perceive it as a stable object.
I notice the primary source of many of my distractions is the fact I have to be alert for my attention wavering/doing the refocusing I mentioned above. Just the tiny fraction of my attention that I need to use on staying attentive is the window in which content comes streaming in, in many cases. Is this a signpost to something useful?
When I'm doing walking meditation, I often struggle with the urge to count coming up. This is deeply ingrained as I'm a drummer and I've done some marching stuff previously. Various instructions I've come across specifically say to NOT count and NOT label, but trying to override the counting takes a lot of attention away from my feet and lets in many distractions. I've had a go at doing it with the counting (just 1,2,1,2 as per a march) and found it easier to concentrate. Should I keep up with the counting?
I've been doing all my (non-walking) meditation in chairs. I can more or less sit cross legged, but it is not comfortable. Any attempt at the more advanced poses causes a lot of pain. My feet and ankles are really stiff and I can't get them to relax. The postures used on meditation stools and the like are intolerable even for a very short time. I'm worried that I'll be required to sit in these types of positions in centers and on retreats, which I really want to do. I don't especially want to deal with any more pain and I really don't want to do actual damage, so what can I do about this? Or do centers allow chairs now?
When I was rereading MCTB, I noticed some comments about wider fields of attention and inability to focus on objects in the stages of the dark night. I've played around a little bit with e.g. sitting in my garden, eyes open and trying to take in everything. This seems a little better but nothing conclusive. Since I'm really a beginner, should I be starting at the start, or do I need to do things differently since I'm an unintentional dark night yogi?
Back when I was smoking, I was able to very inconsistently get bits and pieces of quite noticeable progress, but then not be able to repeat. E.g. one time I was quite clearly aware of thoughts arising, sort of flashing past like tiny speeding trains. I was aware of their content as they passed, even quite long and complicated bits of internal dialogue, even though since they sped past they didn't actually appear as that dialogue. Since I've been sober I've been unable to either repeat old things, and nothing new has happened - just attempting to concentrate and spinning in content. Makes for more frustration, and less certainty I'm doing the right thing.
Also one of the final times I smoked, I had a startling realisation - on the times I got especially high, I (think I) had often been cycling through the stages of the progress of insight! A spaced out moment of generally positive feeling (A+P) would lead to spinning out really hard into a content based fear (one of several key ones would usually fill in this slot, some of them hinted at in MCTB ). I can't really strictly map the rest to the stages, so not really sure exactly where I'm wiping out but it goes something like this: fear arises => I try and deny it => fear grows => I desperately try to see the three characteristics in it to get it to go away [this part is quite new since I only recently figured out I should be doing this] => it doesn't, keeps growing => I can't avoid it, am forced to accept whatever it is I don't want (varies, depending on which bit of content came up this time) => it begins to recede, but I'm left feeling dirty => after a bit, most times I realise how the fear was an overreaction to some element that needed acknowledgement and I'm OK with that element and see how it fits. Does anyone think this is actually anything related to the progress of insight, or is that just getting high and freaking out? The key part here, regardless of which bit of content gets selected, the pattern is EXACTLY the same every time. In fact, it is the very recognition of the pattern kicking in that really sets the fear off, because I know what's coming and know I don't have a way out. (Even though I know that I'm doing it to myself and I'm supposedly in control and I get myself out of by using the exact same knowledge that gets me into it, or so it seems.)
The idea of this cycle getting trigged off makes me tempted to go get really high one more time to try and really observe the process in action, preferably with a bit more meditation experience under my belt. Not really sure if this is a good idea or not, but I probably will anyway since I won't have any trouble staying quit afterwards.
There is one piece of content that's pretty new that I want to bring up, because it is the only one that I don't know how to deal with. (This is also an issue outside of the situation I just mentioned above.) I also suspect it is stopping me from letting go properly.
In short its really just control issues I suppose. Basically: we know there are lots of spiritual beings, good and bad out there. Let's take the common conspiracy theory of the reptilians as a random example, it could be anything really. (I have a friend to claims to be actively engaging and destroying their forces and facilities on a regular basis. No idea what to make of this, but I certainly can't deny the possibility so this one hits close to home. But its more than just this one example I'm worried about - more this general category of problem.)
How do I know that meditation and various other spiritual techniques aren't just tricks to trap us, mind control us, etc? On a similar (but slightly less sinister) note, if we are inside something like the matrix (existing inside whatever ultimate reality actually is), then how do we know that all this talk of enlightenment and the way out of reality isn't just a big trick?
I'm aware of all the standard protections: crystals, shielding yourself, calling on positive beings, demanding to see the true essence of any being that presents itself (not that I can see any), etc. But in light of the above, these could easily be further traps. I also get that (according to MCTB ) the very nature of nirvana is always accessible and we can never be prevented from reaching it, other than by ourselves. But same thing applies, could be more misinformation (not that I'm even remotely accusing Daniel of such a thing.)
Yes I'm quite aware this sounds quite crazy. I know its almost certainly not true. The thing that really gets me, is there is literally no way to prove that something like this isn't true. (Yes I'm also aware that by the same logic it is impossible to even ask for help on this topic, but this has gone on for way too long.) So what can possibly be done about this, other than giving up and letting "whatever" happen?
Finally, I seem to recall mentions somewhere around here of a web site designed as a meditation practice journal. Can someone link that please? Is it yogajournal.com - that's the first search result I got.
Thanks for reading and replying. (Man did this take WAY too long to write.)
Adrian