| | You can see my other thread for where I was at pre-retreat.
Day 0: Feeling kinda ordinary, but also having lots of difficult memories flash into mind and then twinges of "negative" emotions coming after the thoughts and memories. Somewhat unpleasant, but also happy to be on retreat.
Day 1-3: A combination of feeling quite ordinary (like a sorta "this meditation isn't doing anything. It's not working" kind of regularness.) along with dark night type of difficulties (misery, despair, painful memories, etc.)
I was noting away for these days, doing my practice, but I had very few moments of any type of concentrated state of mind or any altered states or anything like that. It felt like I could just walk away and I'd be the same as when I arrived. This led to many thoughts of doubt in the mind, but I quite stricly noted them as "doubt, doubt..." etc. I think my noting was pretty strong, obviously not continuous 24 hours a day, because the mind would wander, with lapses of concentration. But, bringing the mind back to the object was pretty quick and easy.
I felt a lot of pain, anger, misery, disgust, hatred, depression, despair, hopelessness, and lots of painful memories. Lots of thought loops struggling to try to figure things out.
While at the same time, I'd say that these thought loops are quite noticably less "sticky" than they were in previous retreat. This seems like a very tangible benefit because the thought loop would last a shorter duration before letting go, and the level of strain or tension associated with such thought loops was considerably less... leading to less suffering.
Nonetheless, there were thoughts of suicide, deep depression and despair and quite a bit of hopeless agonizing suffering.
Day 4: Vipassana day... This is quite typical for me on day 4 of a Goenka retreat, I will get very tense leading up to the 90 minute vipassana instructions, and then afterward relax into a much greater state of ease. Things turned around by evening, and I was feeling quite calm, and present
Day 5: First day of reaping some rewards At this point, it became clear that the practice had been working to some degree. The negativity of the previous 4 days appeared whispy like waking up from a nightmare or dream. In this was the insight of anicca. Effemeral, changing phenomena.
I was quite at ease, and continued to note very consistently throughout the day. It required roughly the same amount of effort to continue to apply the mind, and not drift off into thought. With each retreat, I learn more about right effort. I know that CCC is fond of claiming that MCTB has overemphasized effort, but it is clear that a very very strong and determined effort is necessary. The problem, as I see it, is that the effort is not at all what I thought it was. And, I don't know if there was any way i would have known what proper effort would be without doing tons of practice. The effort now appears as a sort of peaceful vigilance. It is completely without strain, striving, judgement, craving, or anything. It is simply sitting by the mind like a parent sits by a restless child. When the child wanders, bring it back. When the child wanders, bring it back. But, there is never a sense of fighting the child. I experience this now during the difficult (Dark Night) stages, as well as the more peaceful stages. The drama of an inner fight has so greatly diminished since I began practicing three years ago.
Day 6: Another painful day, but not as bad as before. Again, I was clouded with doubt, confusion, stuckness, etc. I noted it with strong determination. There were perhaps some thoguhts of suicide and despair, but the overall tone wasn't as tense as before.
Day 7: Perhaps the deepest into peace and stillness Quite at ease and calm. I continued to work to keep the mind directly at the moment of experience. I got some sense of things synching up, but everytime I put attention on trying to allow the mind to synch with itself, this usually led eventually to wandering thoughts and daydreaming. I got better results just from patient noting. There were many insights on this day. I was surprised to learn so much about the nature of thoughts and what was there which I had never seen before.
Day 8: Started to have more thoughts about going home and finishing the retreat My mind became more restless. It wasn't nearly as painful as the first three days, but I still had some difficulty. I continued to note diligently throughout the day.
Day 9: Mind was now very restless with wanting to get out of there, wanting to go home, planning for what I would do when I left, etc. I continued to note it all quite diligently.
Overall, it doesn't seem too dissimilar to the last dozen or so retreats that I've been on. I learn a ton of stuff, many insights, and I come out a changed person for sure. The mind becomes less "sticky" and more clear. No idea how any of it relates to any of the maps.
I guess what I can relate to is similar to the discussion in the Hurricane Ranch podcasts. I notice that there are all sorts of phenomena in the mind which can be noticed and thus "disembedded" so to speak. It seems that my practice is like a systematic deconstruction of everything that arises and passes in experience, breaking it down to observe all the little sensations and phenomena. However, I don't know how this would relate to the supposed stream entry/fruition. According to the Hurricane Ranch discussion, it seems the total deconstruction of the entire field is associated with 4th path. So, what then is the threshold for 1st path? Is there some quantity of experiences which must be seen clearly in order to advance beyond fruition? It seems like this process will go on for quite some time, as it proceeds in small chunks at a time.
Another note, I still haven't become aware of some of the things which I guess become apparent in the equanimity nyana.... like "space." I still don't know what space is or how I would note it. When in a more equanimous state, I note things like calm, silence, quiet, peacefulness, looking, investigating, clarity. I also note things that aren't as clear, like: blankness, movement, change, shifting.
Although I don't know what equanimity nyana is supposed to be like or when fruition would come.... it still seems to me like it would take years more of practice to be able to get to what I imagine that state would be like.
I imagine it being like the whole mind is arising and passing without fragmentation as formations. (never seen a formation). I imagine there being a strong equanimity and concentration in noticing the formations, and I imagine the mind observing in this way for some time before slowing down and shutting off for a blip (fruition.) Is that anything like how it happens? I don't know. Sometimes it seems like people describe it more like they were just ho-hum going about their business, doing whatever and all of a sudden: blip! And, if that's the case, then it seems more like it'd be a matter of luck than of years of practice.
Anyway, I don't really do it for the maps (which seem to be somewhat overemphasized here), so I don't need this to get too heavily into a discussion of maps and fruitions and what not.
The bottom line is that I learned so much more about how my mind works, and in this process of learning, there is greater freedom. I guess, for now, that is enough to keep me going back. |