| | J B!
Hi.
So, in my experience, the first part of the retreat - like the first four days - are going to be physically hard-going. You know: knees, rhomboids, abductors, adductors, neck. Sleep anyone? Sleepy, sleepy, sleepy. Did that cute person look my way? Is that person next to me, that really annoying "smile" person, sitting longer than me??? Gah! What the hell am I doing here? It's beautiful outside and I am sitting all day? In pain? This is not human, nor wise, nor compassionate...
blah blah blah.
Anyway, the first two-to-four days are a challenge.
Sooo, if the mind wants to go into a syndrome, because perseverating on a thought like that is the fastest way to get out of Dodge, so to speak, it will. Let me tell you, Day 2 is Excuseville for me. Mind just fills with reasons to leave: am I having a stroke? Did Achaan Chah have a stroke? Who is this teacher? Who do they think they are? Did they even mention Buddha? Did they mention Buddha too much? Hey, why didn't Buddha give equal rights to the ladies? Oof, my normal life is so nice [suddenly, the stress of that 'normal-perspective' life, yes, that one that got me to choose a meditation retreat, looks like a sweet bouquet of roses compared to Day 2.] Dang: should I have gone to see the actualism guy in Australia? Did I leave the windows open? Jeez, that'll cost dollars: better just go home. Gah, the food, the way of eating, the bathrooms. Aaaarrgh.
Maybe you will not at all have those kinds of thoughts. But for me, Day 2, is about not leaving and being nice to the body. I used to take naps. It's a good idea, I think.
Anyway, Day 3 and 4 things start to lighten up a little. A person uses all of their tools to stay. Many people take a few naps on the first two days. However, that can also become the entire retreat if one wants it. Then one will have "left" the retreat, without having gained the excellent exposure to oneself.
Sooooooo (more "o"s this time): here are my thoughts: - Be gentle with body in the beginning. Burmese meditators are famous for a) being great, long meditators (hours, hours), and b) having super-casual posture. Bye bye zen, hello slouch-ananda.
- Meaning: be not afraid to sit on a bench in the shade, to take quiet walks, to take brisk walks
- do some easy stretches with long, slow deep breathing (at least 5-sec inhale and 5-second exhale, for 5 whole respirations: yup, that's 50 seconds per stretch. If ya can't do the breathing, you are in too deep; back off the stretch a little until you can breath deeply and stay in the stretch for at least five cycles). Let me know if you want 6 stretches and I'll send.
- keep taking attention to the breath. those flashy lights you have seen? When you become truly willing to stay with the breath, those lights become the bright, steady light of mind in focus...this is the road to samadhi: good concentration. Good concentration gives rise to otha stuffs. All you have to do is attend the breath closely, closely. The breath is going to change, get long, get short, get stomachy, get lung-y, just follow it. The upper lip may vibrate/buzz: yup, follow-closely like it's your meal ticket.
- just basically be nice. Try not to criticize the teacher. Mind is going to settle very nicely in a few days after breathing focus warms up and jumps in the game; finding trouble with the retreat or teacher is often just a means to distract oneself from one's own work
- follow the Golden Rule: avoid creating any trouble while/if you're struggling through the first days
- honestly, a lot of people feel better and start "getting into it" by Day 4-5. It is worthwhile.
I don't know about this thing "derealization". If you experience this due to epilepsy or head trauma, you know, do tell the retreat folk. That's fair to them.
Otherwise, I think when we feel troubled, we look for trouble and there's a label waiting. I am not trivializing what you experience; not at all. Dark night is what it says: misery, fear, disgust. Lots of label-able experiences fit in these zones.
And, btw, if you liked any of the actualism stuff, I benefitted from their sensate delight stuff. I think deliberately taking up a wonderful, sensate receptivity (especially in a safe setting like retreat) is useful. Listen to birds, crickets, trees rustling, traffic, chatter, heartbeat, etc.
I want to say that I think you surely have this in you, but I really don't know. People do take extreme actions.
It's also okay if you do not do the retreat now. If there is too much apprehension at this point, there are lots of ways to start with a shorter experience.
best wishes. |