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Adventures in Deconstruction: A Practice Thread

As usual, I refuse to just call this a practice thread and be done with it.

So, a shift in perceptual baseline last night has prompted me to start another practice thread and try to document whatever the hell seems to be going on nowadays. There was a massive shift in baseline around two months ago, roughly, which left no sense of location, affective emotions or self-referential thought in its wake. Since then however, and also in the month or so preceding that shift, there have been at least another three significant and noticeable perceptual shifts which have caused my entire experience to become more 'fused'; phenomenologically, the way the visual field was divided into a centralized area of focus and peripheral vision has dissolved and become effortlessly panoramic; sounds are just sounds, it's like they hear themselves and there's no distinction experientially between hearing what what's heard, and this is also the case for the other sense doors a'la Bahiya Sutta.

My everyday practice in recent months has moved more and more towards a Tibetan/Bön and Mahamudra-based approach, still basically freestyle non-dual concentration sort of stuff but with much more emphasis on emptiness and impermanence than before. My sits usually consist of 45 mins anapanasati but with attention to the bare sensations of the breath and seeing through the subtle fabrications still implying difference of any sort. "Subtle" seems to have become my word of the month, but it's the best way I can find to describe what's going on and to point out just how incredibly easy these little instances of clinging are to miss; accuracy in writing has also become much more important when trying to communicate now, much as I was a wordy bastard before it seems to have gotten even worse! emoticon

Anyway, to the practice...

Two sits today, both 45 mins in length but I worked with a Dzogchen technique called "Transforming the Five Skandhas Into the Five Tathagatha Buddhas", specifically the aggregate of form, in the first sit. It involves resting in the natural state (which I understand as being non-dual, non-conceptual awareness) and visualizing a white, egg-sized ball of brilliant white light, then recognizing the sphere and awareness as being inseperable, dependently arisen and luminous. After the shift last night, the ability to remain in that non-dual, non-conceptual awareness has become so natural as to be effortless, and so the only difficulty came when trying to visualize with any stability. I was able to call up a mental image but, and this is a pain in the arse to describe, it's not really an image as such, more like a stream of mental sensations that suggest something being "seen". It's weird to explain it but it seems more streamlined than just imagining something, more dynamic but functional nonetheless.

Tonight I sat open-eyed, which was a complete surprise to me 'cause it's not something I usually do and I have no idea why it happened. I just found myself sitting down, assuming an asana and then the sense of the body just vanished within a second or two of applying bare attentiveness; this is something new, I'd experienced this before but not as quickly and certainly not as thoroughly as it was tonight. It's difficult describe what practice actually consists of when doing anapanasati 'cause it's just a lot of recognition and letting go of subtle clinging to mental objects and processes. Not very exciting to read about, but I'll try to keep everything as phenomenological as possible.

I've been participating in various facebook groups connected to the direct-pointing folks from RT and LU which has been really cool, and a lot of fun. It's opened my eyes to how differently people convey their experience with this stuff and also how easy it is to muddy the water with words sometimes. I'm all about practice, techniques and available ways to 'wake up' but it's also become apparent how prevalent the whole "do nothing" approach is, particularly in those who's realizations have only occurred in the last year or so. It's not a big deal, but it reminds me of how we all must have reeked of enlightenment at one point, and how we still sometimes let one rip that tickles the nostrils of our fellow beings. emoticon

Real-life stuff continues to be testing as I go through a difficult split, sit on the verge of having my house repossessed, and have just been sacked from my job. I'm appealing that last part though so fingers remain crossed, but to anyone looking in from the outside, this current situation looks like a nightmare scenario....yet I'm quite calm and incredibly clear headed, it's not that it's not difficult sometimes, I'm not the Buddha or anything, but these practices and ongoing realizations have made everyday life more manageable in the most practical and sensible ways. I've also found someone who's presence in my life has led to all sorts of incredible things and who's involved in this adventure just as much as I am, something I never thought possible but that's led to a deeper understanding of how genuinely amazing it is to be alive right now.

I'll sign off with a thank you to the Buddha, the Dharma, and this wonderful virtual-sangha we've got here at the DhO.

Peace out.

RE: Adventures in Deconstruction: A Practice Thread
Answer
9/27/12 6:01 PM as a reply to Tommy M.
Tommy M:
As usual, I refuse to just call this a practice thread and be done with it.

So, a shift in perceptual baseline last night has prompted me to start another practice thread and try to document whatever the hell seems to be going on nowadays. There was a massive shift in baseline around two months ago, roughly, which left no sense of location, affective emotions or self-referential thought in its wake. Since then however, and also in the month or so preceding that shift, there have been at least another three significant and noticeable perceptual shifts which have caused my entire experience to become more 'fused'; phenomenologically, the way the visual field was divided into a centralized area of focus and peripheral vision has dissolved and become effortlessly panoramic; sounds are just sounds, it's like they hear themselves and there's no distinction experientially between hearing what what's heard, and this is also the case for the other sense doors a'la Bahiya Sutta.


I relate.

My everyday practice in recent months has moved more and more towards a Tibetan/Bön and Mahamudra-based approach, still basically freestyle non-dual concentration sort of stuff but with much more emphasis on emptiness and impermanence than before. My sits usually consist of 45 mins anapanasati but with attention to the bare sensations of the breath and seeing through the subtle fabrications still implying difference of any sort. "Subtle" seems to have become my word of the month, but it's the best way I can find to describe what's going on and to point out just how incredibly easy these little instances of clinging are to miss; accuracy in writing has also become much more important when trying to communicate now, much as I was a wordy bastard before it seems to have gotten even worse! emoticon


'Subtle' is a concept that got even more subtler as a term to overlay experience. I had to re-adjust my previous use of the term.

Anyway, to the practice...

Two sits today, both 45 mins in length but I worked with a Dzogchen technique called "Transforming the Five Skandhas Into the Five Tathagatha Buddhas", specifically the aggregate of form, in the first sit. It involves resting in the natural state (which I understand as being non-dual, non-conceptual awareness) and visualizing a white, egg-sized ball of brilliant white light, then recognizing the sphere and awareness as being inseperable, dependently arisen and luminous. After the shift last night, the ability to remain in that non-dual, non-conceptual awareness has become so natural as to be effortless, and so the only difficulty came when trying to visualize with any stability. I was able to call up a mental image but, and this is a pain in the arse to describe, it's not really an image as such, more like a stream of mental sensations that suggest something being "seen". It's weird to explain it but it seems more streamlined than just imagining something, more dynamic but functional nonetheless.


I relate to this explanation. I find it too hard to describe accurately but you do a good job. It is sort of not right to call it a mental image, as it doesn't register as an image but sensations are arising to somehow give off that sense of something 'seen'. For example when trying to visualise the white ball, there is no 'white ball' image in the mind but some weird sense that it is understood and seen anyways. Damn hard to describe.

RE: Adventures in Deconstruction: A Practice Thread
Answer
9/27/12 10:15 PM as a reply to Nikolai ..
Nikolai .:
For example when trying to visualise the white ball, there is no 'white ball' image in the mind but some weird sense that it is understood and seen anyways. Damn hard to describe.


Yes and the understanding and seeing happens so fast as to there being no 'white ball' image that comes up in visualization which earlier would have in a similar way as to be daydreaming and producing a 'veil' between the experience and the senses.

RE: Adventures in Deconstruction: A Practice Thread
Answer
9/27/12 10:41 PM as a reply to Tommy M.
Tommy M:
My sits usually consist of 45 mins anapanasati but with attention to the bare sensations of the breath and seeing through the subtle fabrications still implying difference of any sort.


Hey Tommy, about a year ago you were experimenting with a type of anapanasati as advocated by Bhante Vimalaramsi of Dhamma Sukkha. I have just started trying out this practice and am curious to know your experience and overall impression of that form of meditation. Thanks.

RE: Adventures in Deconstruction: A Practice Thread
Answer
9/28/12 2:29 AM as a reply to John Ferguson.
Hey Tommy, I hope you don't mind if I bring this back a few steps and ask some very basic questions about your anapanasati practice...

* Do you use the breath to reach a certain point then drop it in favour of jhana factors / the non-dual stuff you've been talking about?
* Or are you always conscious of each breath in part or entirety at the spot while the foreground is your exploration of these subtle things you mention?

I find I can do both, but have not yet worked out which is more beneficial to progress so would really appreciate more detail on this..

Many thanks,

RE: Adventures in Deconstruction: A Practice Thread
Answer
10/2/12 7:48 AM as a reply to John Ferguson.
Hiya John,

My practice has probably gone back to being quite similar to the anapanasati stuff that Bhante V talks about, I ended up going off on a bit of a tangent not long after starting that style of practice but I would definitely recommend it. It's been a while since I worked with it but I think my current practice is probably more in line with what he talks about now so hopefully these notes will give a bit more practical info.

RE: Adventures in Deconstruction: A Practice Thread
Answer
10/2/12 7:58 AM as a reply to Bagpuss The Gnome.
Word up, BTG. emoticon

* Do you use the breath to reach a certain point then drop it in favour of jhana factors / the non-dual stuff you've been talking about?

I was looking at this last night actually, there are still the appearance of the jhana factors but they, even the mental qualities of 2nd onwards, seem to be more embodied and physical, if that makes any sense. I tend to stabilize on the breath within a matter of seconds, but from there I still keep the breath as an anchor while basically just opening awareness more and more to take in the entire sense field at one time. It's quite subtle and hard to explain, but it's like you become 100% mindful of everything happening without there being any segregation or division of objects, e.g. the sensations of the breath and the whole body, until I hit the formless realms, are experienced as being one and the same along with sounds, subtle mental movements and anything else I notice while sitting.

* Or are you always conscious of each breath in part or entirety at the spot while the foreground is your exploration of these subtle things you mention?

There's no longer any sense of a foreground/background split, those subtle things are noticed cause they seem like little 'kinks' in the sense field. It's not like they're seperate from anything else, I tend to think of them as feeling something like a record jumping on an old turntable; they're minute glitches of tension but they're noticeable enough to make you go "Gotcha ya little fucker"! emoticon

I'd suggest just trying to experience as much of the breath as possible, but also look at what implies physical sensations of rising and falling 'cause, in my experience so far, that distinction breaks down leaving just a sense of movement rather than of breathing. Again, it's kinda hard to describe accurately but it's as if the 'edges' of the breath cycles dissolve into the whole sense field and it's like each sensation of the breath is exactly the same as any and all other sensations happening at the same time.

RE: Adventures in Deconstruction: A Practice Thread
Answer
10/2/12 8:57 AM as a reply to Tommy M.
Last night, I realized that I no longer experience "thinking" or any sort of narrative, even subtly, operating. This seems so natural and normal that I hadn't even noticed it happening, there's a complete mental stillness and peace but I'm still able to reflect, consider or contemplate things without any difficulty. I keep on saying how some of these changes are hard to describe, but this one is even worse 'cause it's such a complete change in experiencing and the total lack of an inside/outside in experience is beyond words. Suffice to say, it's absolutely incredible.

I've hinted before on here about having met someone and being in a relationship with them for the last few months, but we'd deliberately kept silent about it for various reasons. However, we spoke last night and both decided that, since it actually does relate to this site, practice and the fact that we met through here, it'd be fun to 'go public' on here and use this as an opportunity to thank Daniel in particular for having made this possible: Steph S and I have been together now for a few months, and it's down to this site that we found each other in the first place. I know this might seem like a strange thing to bring up in a practice thread, but we both agreed that it'd worth making it known 'cause it's also allowed us both to get really deeply into examining love, connection to another person, and all manner of emotional investigations with some surprising results. I genuinely consider our relationship to have been what pushed me over the edge two months ago into this PCE mode 24/7 due to the levels of felicity and wonder involved, which may sound a bit cheesy but, to be honest, I couldn't care less. emoticon It's been an incredibly journey so far and I can say wholeheartedly that being devoid of affective emotion does not interfere with my ability to be in a close and caring relationship with another person. If anything, it's much, much, much better as there's no trace of clinging or neediness involved on either side!

RE: Adventures in Deconstruction: A Practice Thread
Answer
10/2/12 9:50 AM as a reply to Tommy M.
Tommy:
I was looking at this last night actually, there are still the appearance of the jhana factors but they, even the mental qualities of 2nd onwards, seem to be more embodied and physical, if that makes any sense. I tend to stabilize on the breath within a matter of seconds, but from there I still keep the breath as an anchor while basically just opening awareness more and more to take in the entire sense field at one time. It's quite subtle and hard to explain, but it's like you become 100% mindful of everything happening without there being any segregation or division of objects, e.g. the sensations of the breath and the whole body, until I hit the formless realms, are experienced as being one and the same along with sounds, subtle mental movements and anything else I notice while sitting.


Good grief! Apart from the formless stuff, that's pretty much my practice! I rarely get the ultra-extreme highs of pleasure anymore, I just seem to drop through layer afer layer of swirly-body-mind-energy, the physical body often takes work to define against the changing mass of sensations/energy ripples going on in the region of the physical body. I do not tend to include hearing much, and I have my eyes closed, but the sensations are just a big energetic soupy ephemeral manifestation of impermanence if that makes sense..

The key to this for me has been letting go. Not clinging to anything. The more I let go, the deeper I drop and the more layers are revealed.

Tommy:

I'd suggest just trying to experience as much of the breath as possible, but also look at what implies physical sensations of rising and falling becaause, in my experience so far, that distinction breaks down leaving just a sense of movement rather than of breathing. Again, it's kinda hard to describe accurately but it's as if the 'edges' of the breath cycles dissolve into the whole sense field and it's like each sensation of the breath is exactly the same as any and all other sensations happening at the same time.


I know exactly what you mean. I am not currently experiencing this but I have done when concentrating on the "whole breath" in the past. It starts with a sort of recognition of the rhythm of breath, the flow of breath then merges so fluidly it all starts blurring into one big rolling sensation. Sounds about right?

RE: Adventures in Deconstruction: A Practice Thread
Answer
10/2/12 9:54 AM as a reply to Tommy M.
Tommy M:
If anything, it's much, much, much better as there's no trace of clinging or neediness involved on either side!


Inspiring post Tommy ! I'm wondering though how would you recommend handling neediness from the other side because I'm surely going to be subjected to that soon enough ? I know at the background I have the intent to be free of malice but sometimes one just wants to do a sensible/reasonable thing while the other may not and this creates crap especially when the
other has no interest in meditation/pce etc

RE: Adventures in Deconstruction: A Practice Thread
Answer
10/2/12 11:59 AM as a reply to Tommy M.
Tommy M:

I've been participating in various facebook groups connected to the direct-pointing folks from RT and LU which has been really cool, and a lot of fun. It's opened my eyes to how differently people convey their experience with this stuff and also how easy it is to muddy the water with words sometimes. .


Do they meet and talk about this stuff? If so, could you give details? I think I'd find it very helpful to occasionally be surrounded by people that are immersed in buddhist discourse. Because the subject isn't quite "habitual" for me yet - and I'd very much like that to happen. =))

RE: Adventures in Deconstruction: A Practice Thread
Answer
10/3/12 9:20 AM as a reply to Tommy M.
Tommy M:

Real-life stuff continues to be testing as I go through a difficult split, sit on the verge of having my house repossessed, and have just been sacked from my job.


You're doing Tibetan practices. Have you tried doing lots and lots of mandala offerings?

RE: Adventures in Deconstruction: A Practice Thread
Answer
10/2/12 10:16 PM as a reply to Tommy M.
Congrats! Much happiness to you two. emoticon

Tolle Love and Relationships
emoticon He seems to say the same thing you say about clinging in relationships.

RE: Adventures in Deconstruction: A Practice Thread
Answer
10/2/12 8:33 PM as a reply to Tommy M.
Tommy,
Glad to hear that your practice and the rest of life, is going so well!!

Metta, and all the best!

Brian.

RE: Adventures in Deconstruction: A Practice Thread
Answer
10/2/12 10:08 PM as a reply to Tommy M.
Hey, that's awesome Tommy. Congrats!

RE: Adventures in Deconstruction: A Practice Thread
Answer
10/3/12 6:15 PM as a reply to Bagpuss The Gnome.
Good grief! Apart from the formless stuff, that's pretty much my practice! I rarely get the ultra-extreme highs of pleasure anymore, I just seem to drop through layer afer layer of swirly-body-mind-energy, the physical body often takes work to define against the changing mass of sensations/energy ripples going on in the region of the physical body. I do not tend to include hearing much, and I have my eyes closed, but the sensations are just a big energetic soupy ephemeral manifestation of impermanence if that makes sense..

Sounds spot on, mate. It's worth investigating how, as well as being impermanent, all of those sensations in that soup are the same as the bowl they're served in; look at what it is that leads to the mind differentiating between 'soup' and 'bowl'. I remember Nikolai talking about a practice thing he came up with based on something like this, but I don't know if he ever done anything with it; maybe he'd be able to add something if the metaphor is useful to you?

The key to this for me has been letting go. Not clinging to anything. The more I let go, the deeper I drop and the more layers are revealed.

Excellent, that's ideal. Remember that there's nothing to 'aim' for, unless of course thinking about it in that way helps your orientate your practice, so enjoy it and keep doing what you're doing. Quality work, big man!

I know exactly what you mean. I am not currently experiencing this but I have done when concentrating on the "whole breath" in the past. It starts with a sort of recognition of the rhythm of breath, the flow of breath then merges so fluidly it all starts blurring into one big rolling sensation. Sounds about right?

Again, quality stuff. Stay with that whole process of movement, see how all those smaller sensations are just chunky bits in the soup and no different from it; let the pleasant sensations appear but without clinging to them, although I don't think you're likely to do so anyway by the sounds of things, and just keep that wide mental focus, with it's inherently calm equanimity, towards whatever comes up. Have you ever had any sort of experience where you actually become the breath?

RE: Adventures in Deconstruction: A Practice Thread
Answer
10/3/12 7:12 PM as a reply to Shashank Dixit.
Inspiring post Tommy ! I'm wondering though how would you recommend handling neediness from the other side because I'm surely going to be subjected to that soon enough ? I know at the background I have the intent to be free of malice but sometimes one just wants to do a sensible/reasonable thing while the other may not and this creates crap especially when the
other has no interest in meditation/pce etc

Aye, it's something everyone's got to contend with at some point but it's also soaked with potential for breaking down the social identity, as well as the emotional imprints which fuel the fundamental belief supporting the arising of a "me" in any way. It's also something I've had to contend with a lot in the past so I can speak from experience here... emoticon

In my own investigations of this, neediness seems to be down to a lack of confidence, a lack of self-belief, which may seem like an odd phrase given the context of this post, and stuff related to childhood, trust and issues of abandonment; I was, and am, very much loved and cared for by my parents, they're lovely people and raised me pretty well but, through chance, fate, genetics, psychology, karmic tendencies or however you want to describe it, experiences happen which lead to the formation of certain deep-rooted emotional/psychological/neurological (I'm just throwing it out there but I can't say with any certainty what the specific physical nature of these mental formations are) imprints which then repeat themselves when similar situations arise.
I found out how "I" experienced things in that way, when "I" was needy because, at it's root, the thought of being alone scared me and made me want a female companion, basically trying to 'get back to mum' in a psychological sense; a thought which originated in some trivial moment of being lost in a supermarket as a kid or something, but which fuelled so much crap in my life that it's ridiculous!

As for dealing with it in someone else, sorting it out in yourself makes it much easier to do 'cause you become more understanding and less willing to react. However, that's an ideal scenario and I know the reality of it isn't quite as straightforward.

I'd suggest looking at how you react to their behaviour, what their actions seem to trigger in/as "you". Be attentive to whatever physical and/or mental sensations appear, it makes it easier not to just react negatively and, if you genuinely want to be with that person, perhaps even help them understand how their actions appear to you and how you're willing to be as understanding as possible. Obviously don't be a doormat or an emotional tampon, that'd be pointless and probably quite unattractive, but a relationship happens between (usually) two people and requires a mutual willingness to communicate openly; This sounds like total self-help bullshit, I know and I'm deeply disgusted with myself... emoticon But I've gone through a messy separation and all the various unpleasantness involved in that, so I speak from experience on how not to have a relationship with someone and hope that some real-life examples will be more useful than any mystical shmystical stuff.

Something else to look at it is how the basis of an argument is always about some either/or thing, one person thinks one thing and the other disagrees. Anything above and beyond that basic push/pull mental process is pure belief, the very fuel that allows "you" to continue to propagate yourself via identification with those thoughts, those beliefs and mental fabrications. Check that shit out.

RE: Adventures in Deconstruction: A Practice Thread
Answer
10/3/12 7:20 PM as a reply to Svetlana Grishina.
Do they meet and talk about this stuff? If so, could you give details? I think I'd find it very helpful to occasionally be surrounded by people that are immersed in buddhist discourse. Because the subject isn't quite "habitual" for me yet - and I'd very much like that to happen. =))

I don't know if a lot of people meet up, but if you check out: Liberation Unleashed they have a fantastic community and a very active project involving artwork, video, music and a phone app, well worth getting in touch with them. They've got a freestyle pointing sort of approach, not tradition specific but seems to be very useful and effective in helping people recognize "not-self"; they're a good bunch and very passionate about helping others so I recommend them highly.

RE: Adventures in Deconstruction: A Practice Thread
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10/3/12 7:22 PM as a reply to Jigme Sengye.
Have you tried doing lots and lots of mandala offerings?

No, it's not something I've ever tried. Would you mind recommending any sites or offering some advice, I'd be really interested in finding out more about that. Cheers!

RE: Adventures in Deconstruction: A Practice Thread
Answer
10/3/12 9:17 PM as a reply to Tommy M.
Awww xoxo
Totally agreed that it's absolutely spectacular, adventurous, and the happiness keeps opening up more and more dazzling perfection. emoticon


Thanks so much for the well wishes, friends. And that video is right on, Richard. Thanks for posting it. He makes excellent points about just being totally with a person and accepting them as they are, without wanting to change them. Also something he said about reflecting things back to eachother... we've often mentioned about acting as a mirror or prism, dancing this shimmering light back and forth (or not even back and forth, so it seems, just magnifying it or something like that).