Hello! This is a general post about my current practice, wasn't sure where to post it. I'd very much appreciate comments and/or suggestions.
Over a month ago my flatmate moved abroad for a year. So I have the place to myself, and have had the urge to make good use of the opportunity and meditate more. I work freelance part-time from home, so have a fair amount of free time and relative peace and quiet.
I'm avoiding insight practice at the moment, and instead I'm 'training the puppy', as advocated
here by Tom A Vitale, until I feel mentally and physically stable enough to do insight practice.
I've had 'chronic fatigue' on and off since 2001 (currently slowly recovering from a relapse lasting 2 years). I've also been (undiagnosed) hypomania/bipolar for most of my adult life (I'm in my mid-30s). No psychosis, but some fairly strong and debilitating anxiety/depression/rage. All these mental symptoms have much improved over the last few years.
After reading MCTB in the spring, I resolved to avoid insight practice and instead only cultivate a relaxed and physically grounded concentration, along with metta. Exploring DhO and recently reading Tom's posts reaffirmed my decision: My health is slowly improving and I don't want to rock the boat too much. I'm still trying to calm quite a restless mind and cultivate access concentration. I think it might take me some time! But I'm (mostly) patient.
Because of the chronic fatigue I have to rest a little in the day and generally space activities out. Energy-wise I do sometimes feel like a building with a very powerful state-of-the-art central heating system, but no roof. Though like I said the situation seems to be improving. Perhaps now there is a roof, just no insulation! I think this is connected with being better grounded now, see below.
Generally speaking I am a pretty positive person. I don't buy into my dramatic stories anything like I used to, and have much more metta and humour available to bring to any difficult stuff. I'm also much more grounded than I used to be (I used to be in orbit!). In fact, it feels like my practice over the years has been very much a returning to earth, and learning to occupy my physical body and bring my wild energy back down too. Sometimes I get the sense that my hypomania and fiery ungrounded energy is somehow connected to a deep fear of being present in the body. I still get quite a fiery/adrenalin rush thing at times, but to others I'd just appear slightly over-excited and enthusiastic, and I've pretty much stopped putting the manic-energy into crazy new projects - though do I still do get restless/busy and then exhausted later.
My daily practice:Morning: 20-30 mins qigong followed by
Metta bhavana (40 mins)
Mindfulness of Breathing (40 mins)
Later in the day I might add another couple of sits.
Finishing day with a very brief chanting and transferrence-of-merit ritual thing I like to do.
I try to maintain awareness of the body/belly/breath during all activities throughout the day, along with metta/gratitude and humour... of course there are big gaps where I forget, or get lost in something, but I do think this is one of the stronger aspects of my practice.
Also, I regularly go to the local Triratna Buddhist Centre, including weekly puja and a meditation class/discussion or two.
I don't know if I'm in the Dark Night or not. I'm pretty sure I've grieved, reeled and raged in it in the past, a lot. I also think I may have once hit equanimity 5 years ago (perhaps I'll post that later), but then backslid.
- What's the difference between your 'stuff' coming up as a result of concentration practice and the darkness of the Dark Night? I do experience a background anger/rage thing fairly regularly, but I usually don't let it bleed through any more than perhaps being a bit abrupt with people at times. I also can get quite anxious, but again, it doesn't stop me functioning.
- Is it possible to exit the Dark Night without getting Stream Entry? Can you return to a pre-A&P place?
- If I am in the Dark Night, is that such a problem? and can I 'train the puppy' regardless? I'm much better at dealing with strong emotions these days, but do think I need more stability before I go for proper insight practice.
Thanks,
Martin