Stuart Charles Law:
Been fooling myself the past week or so ... to the point where my sittings are suffering for it. I wondered what would happen if i started backsliding a month or so ago, well, i found out. Things that where there a couple of weeks ago have gone. I have not had a sit for some time with any hard single pointed concentration and Samadhi has been absent for about the same length of time. All i have done is drop a few sits ... but, i held a fall back position in case of sever procrastination. The thought of two hours minimum a day, slid it's insidious way into my brain and that was all it took for the forces of Mara to delight in fucking with me.
I got to much grasping going on man! I don't want it, and sure as hell don't need it. To that end i'm just going to relax completely. No more Jhana's, no more Stream Entry, no nothing. And i have decided to continue working on samatha, with no goal in mind for the foreseeable future. Saw a map for the first time in ages just last night and i hardly even register on the dam thing after three years of meditation. I look to a period of consolidation. Hopefully at four hours minimum per day.
Fighting the fight ... keeping the faith
Seems you need to learn to direct and sustain the flow of thought/mind, as it seems to be the monkey mind jumping onto objects of desire or of aversion. These two jhanic factors, directed and sustained thought, will begin to subdue the hindrances, which is your current problem. They will also condition the arising of other factors involved in the 1st jhana. Once mastered with the abiltiy to call up, maintain and cease at will, it is just a matter of letting go of the grosser aspects of each jhana to move to the next jhan on up. But first things first, directed and sustained thought/ flow of mind does not seem apparent inyour posts.
You notice how the flow of mind takes object after object after object, craving this, averting from that, doubting this, doubting that, getting dull, jumping here and there. Work on this deeply engrained habit first. You could practice directing the flow of mind onto any object at a time for set periods of time, perhaps for a set amount of breaths at a time. Notice how the mind does not want to do that. Staring at an object for long periods, or holding it in the mind, is not the habit of the mind. Accept it. Accept that because of simple habit, it is thus. Accepting it will temper the frustration that seems evident by the way you have expressed yourself.
1st step: accept current state of 'monkey mind'. Forget the three years meditation, i should be here or there by now. Accept current state of mind. Relax.
2nd step: direct thought towards some aspect of the field of experience and sustain that directed thought.
3rd step, notice how difficult that can be. Monkey has too much space to move and wander?
4th step: utlise a way to fill up that space where the monkey wanders off to so that it cant move anywhere but to object of directed and now sustained thought.
In the anapanasati sutta, the buddha continuously in sequential order gives more than one objective/object for the mind to develop samatha. I think there are reasons for this, one of them being to give the mind much more to do than simply stare at one object continuously. Go to access to insight and find the sutta and see what im talking about. The notion of giving the mind more to do than simply stare at one object will begin to train the mind to 'direct and sustain thought'. This is where you begin to master samatha. Oh, and notice also that the anapanasatisutta instructions call for a fullbodied awareness quite consistently. The flow of mind towards the objects does not have to be narrow, it can be as wide as the whole body. This may be why often yogis talk of getting quite concentraed and calm via noting choicelessly and perhaps more panoramically. When your awareness is as panoramic as possible, there is little to no space for the monkey to jump to cos noticing and noting directing thought/ flow of mind.
Other options
Have you tried
kasina? Another option to train to direct thought. Notice in theinstructions in the link given that the mind is given something more to do that just simly stare at the kasina object. With whatever kasina object you use, i advise also to stare at it panoramically, that is to train the mind to become aware continuously of the periphery of vision at the same time as the centre of vision where the kasina object is. Training the mind in this way will lead one to a more panoramic awareness which is still aware of other apsects of the field of experience in the centre, and the tendency to narrow focus to the exclusion of the rest of the field of experience will be avoided, as concetration headaches and frsutration and more space for the monkey to jump around seems to be the danger and risk for a very narrow and segregating focus. You can learn to notice details in objects in the centre of exprience from that peripheral awareness viewpoint. This will help and develop skills for later as well, it will also lead quicker, in my experience, to more calm and relaxed mind.
When you learn or start to get the knack for directing thought where you wish it to go for set periods of time, then you can use any object at any given time to keep re-enforcing this habit. At work, walking in the street, talking to people (directing the flow of mind to listening and understandng 100 percent to what the person is saying. This habit will then get very strong, and the malleable and pliant mind that wills itself into this jhana and that jhana will be apparent, and then discernment has its firm base to break it all apart.
Just my two cents. Figure out your current problem, which seems to be an inability to direct thought, gathered from what you have posted, and work on that first. Then all the rest of the desired and craved experiences will be given a chance to take shape.
Nick