| | Hi everyone,
I'm writing here looking for guidance. After getting a bit frustrated with meditation a couple years ago I explored the nonduality books, and self enquiry. I think there have been a few realizations, however I haven't ascertained for myself yet on the existence/nature of the self.
Something changed, but I don't know where to go from here.
- I noticed that at some point the frustration with "not being present" disappeared. I used to go for example in the shower challenging myself with "being present", but now not only have i lost complete interest in being present, it seems a little odd to try to do so, AND.. I am in fact not present in the technical description: there may be a daydream, or plans... random thoughts... It doesn't bother me at all. For many years ever since I learned about meditation it was a frustration.
- I kinda lost interest on reading Buddhist literature, and even nondual teachings. I'm trying to get back into it, but it feels like it's of no use, because it seems to me to be all a "code" so to speak. It feels as though everything, all meaning, happens in thought, and thought keeps referring to other thoughts through all sorts of fancy labels. Whether it is vipassana teachings, or philosophy, or anything really. I feel it especially with images. Like advertisement, photographs of wealth, or even costumes... even a Buddhist monk.. I just see someone wearing purple cloth.. a movie star.. I see someone with nice looking clothes, there is no lonegr the feeling of whatever they used to represent to me. Maybe none of that has to do with nonduality and maybe I just grew up lol?
I'm wondering if I haven't gotten stuck on a realization where thought is seen to point to nothing. ie. there seems to be a world out there, but there is nothing "beyond" the thought about the world. So when I am quiet, I might feel like this room here is small, and my reality then simply stops there. I mean it seems to be what nonduality is pointing to, but the "self" part is not resolved.
Did I take the direct experience advice a little far without balancing with other enquiries? Should I go back to sitting?
Edit:
Ohhhh I think I see where this is going. Just recently I was looking at "my" YouTube user page with the playlist thumbnails... and it seemed kinda weird, like going back from a 10 day retreat and being a stranger. I wondered "what is there in this that is "me"? just thumbnials, little pictures, there is nothing "personal" or "owned" at all there. So then maybe it was the feeling of "me" in the pictures, advertising, or just a username on a screen, that apparent "loss of meaning" which i thought was maybe related to confusion or "dark night". That kinda answers my earlier question. |