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Back From The Black

Back From The Black
Answer
1/6/13 4:11 PM
I’m writing this post for various reasons, I’ve been away from the site for a while and have had a lot to deal with in my personal life which has taken its toll on me, physically and mentally, but has ultimately led me to where I’m at right now. That statement may seem surprising given my previous claims and talk of attainments, but the testing ground of the everyday – families, relationships, problems in work, financial difficulties and suchlike – has shown me that I’ve severely misjudged ‘my’ meditative accomplishments and so I want to lay my cards on the table:

Contrary to my previous claims, I do indeed still experience affective emotion; in the last four or five weeks, I had been lower than I can recall at any time in my life and actually ended up hospitalized with chest pains brought about by the stress of my current situation. I’ve also acted in less-than-skilful ways and hurt people, deliberately cut off communication with everyone around me and isolated myself...and I haven't even started trying to rebuild some of those bridges. I became bitter, resentful and angry with the world, saddened by the pain around me and within me, wishing I could just shut the whole thing down and start again. This was all exacerbated by an unexpected kicking from the dukkha ñanas, which confirmed for me that cycling is alive and well and that I’m certainly not an Arahat!

How all this maps up with the various models, I have no idea and couldn’t care less. I’ve gone from feeling like a fraud and considering abandoning the DhO completely - I felt like a twat and like I’d lied to people or something – to realizing that being honest about fucking up might set a good example for others who’ve maybe misjudged their own progress. I know it’s all too common for people to come to this site thinking they’ve gotten this or that Path based on their understanding of MCTB, and also how disheartening it is to be told you’re wrong. This isn’t the first time I’ve made what amounts to a public apology for potentially misleading people with inaccurate information in my posts and replies, and it doesn’t get any easier; it’s taken me a while to get my head together and write this so I hope that it demonstrates that, no matter what you think at the time, it’s not a big deal if you make mistakes. Nobody’s going to judge you for it and if they do then that’s their problem; shit happens and you deal with it.

As I’ve contemplated what’s gone on over the last four to six months of my life, it’s occurred to me that I used the whole AF/no affective emotion idea as a way to avoid facing up to the stressful and genuinely difficult situation I found myself in. Not that I didn’t pursue that outcome with complete sincerity, but my overwhelming desire to not have to feel the way I did led to me deluding myself and, through strong intent, creating a reality-tunnel for myself where I basically stopped registering emotions…temporarily. The mistake was entirely my own fault, no one else could possibly be blamed and I’ve suffered for it by my own hand, but I’ve also learned a lot and developed a new understanding of karma, compassion, and the interdependence of all things for which I will be eternally grateful.

I know this may all sound uncomfortably personal, but I figure if I’m going all out and starting the year afresh I may as well lay it on the line and say what’s actually going on in the everyday life of a suburban yogi. I have absolutely abandoned ideas of Paths as there have been too many qualitative perceptual and/or experiential shifts to align it with anything, and the emptiness of models is now so glaringly apparent that I can’t take them seriously anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I still very much enjoy studying, and recommend making use of, conceptual models to orientate your practice but, for me at least, they’ve become too cumbersome as everything gets too fractal; it’s like spiritual DMT, spirals of self-transforming information matrices, expanding into complex patterns of imputed connections when I turn the light of attention on them.

So, where does this leave me? I have no idea. All I know is that the importance of ending suffering for all sentient beings has become central to my life in a way I can’t even explain. I experienced such a hatred and disdain for the world when I felt really low, but when I looked at it directly and got to grips with it I realized I was sad and frustrated. I felt powerless to do anything to make the world a better place, and not with any sort of ulterior motive of self-glorification but with altruistic intent and a wish for an end to suffering. What I know for certain is that the Dharma is the only way for me to make it a reality.

For the record, I will no longer claim any attainments; whether I have or haven’t attained anything is no longer of any concern to me. There have been several very distinct, permanent, describable shifts in the way my perceptual experience, at all sensate levels, has ‘clarified’ over the last few years, but I feel like I’ve completely let go of the desire to call it anything.

As I read back over what I’ve written, I’m hoping it doesn’t come off as being either self-pitying or some other hyphenated combination of arsehole-ness. I’m just trying to present an honest and open description of the realities of life and practice, and show how awakening doesn’t necessarily solve the problems of the everyday. It can make it a bit easier, no doubt, but the risk of burying your head, as I did, in the sand of ‘spiritual’ or ‘actual’ conceptual models is always present. I basically did most of the things that Daniel warns against in the chapter on Dark Night in MCTB, partly because I thought I was beyond that and more advanced than I actually was. It’s been a painful and difficult time, but ultimately necessary for change to occur; like all things, impermanent flickerings in a frozen moment, but what a joy to behold with such clarity as emptiness brings.

So, there’s an update on what’s been going on with me and the reasons for my absence from the boards, and every other form of online communication lately. I know it’s just the report of one person but I’d like to think it’ll encourage people to maintain high standards in their own practice and remain ruthlessly attentive. I slipped up and so hopefully at least someone will be able to learn something from it; I owe so much to this community and I hope that seeing the lows, as well as the highs, will show that this process isn’t a cakewalk. It’s not an easy road, but it’s worthwhile for reasons words can’t describe.

Over a thousand words…one day I’ll learn to condense my writing. Ha!

Peace y’all.

T

P.S. The moral of the story: Shut y’er trap and practice.

RE: Back From The Black
Answer
1/6/13 4:33 PM as a reply to Tommy M.
Welcome back, Tommy! That was a great post. Sorry to hear about your difficulties and stress symptoms. I hope you are better now, and will continue to improve.

That Bodhisattva thing about wishing to end suffering for all beings - I can relate to that. Compassion is to suffering what third jhana is to second, in a way.

Take care!

Cheers,
Florian

RE: Back From The Black
Answer
1/6/13 4:46 PM as a reply to Tommy M.
Welcome back. It takes a lot of heart to write something this forthright and honest and which a lot of people will probably benefit from.

It all seems like a setback, but perhaps it's really progress of a different sort. Just like one should take a "wait and see attitude" with paths, perhaps something similar could be said for having attained an advanced degree from the School of Hard Knocks.

RE: Back From The Black
Answer
1/6/13 8:39 PM as a reply to Tommy M.
Tommy M:

As I read back over what I’ve written, I’m hoping it doesn’t come off as being either self-pitying or some other hyphenated combination of arsehole-ness.


Far from it, Tommy. Actually, couldn't be further from that.

I don't know what to say, other than thanks for being so genuine. It's palpable from half-way across the world.

Tommy M:

(...) but the risk of burying your head, as I did, in the sand of ‘spiritual’ or ‘actual’ conceptual models is always present.



Yeah. Who hasn't been there, one way or another?

The thing we all really desire -- what is it? recollection or intuition of a state of deep, effortless, thorough-going, benign innocence and joy, while still being a capable, responsible, caring human being --- has a lot of near enemies. And lots of practices can lead to straight into those near enemies. Doesn't mean the real thing isn't available.

Thanks for writing this, Tommy, and all the best to you.

Regards,
Jack

RE: Back From The Black
Answer
1/6/13 5:01 PM as a reply to Fitter Stoke.
Fitter Stoke:

It all seems like a setback, but perhaps it's really progress of a different sort


Absolutely. No doubt.

RE: Back From The Black
Answer
1/6/13 5:20 PM as a reply to Tommy M.
I'm so glad to hear from you. You're one of my favorite people around here! I've missed you. Thanks for your honesty. We all need reminding that this practice does not protect us from Life.

RE: Back From The Black
Answer
1/6/13 5:24 PM as a reply to John Wilde.
I'm sorry to hear of your troubles, Tommy. Your absence didn't go without notice. I'm glad you didn't abandon the forum. I've benefited from your insights in the past, and I'm sure I will in the future.

It seems like there's a need for more discussion of how practice comes into play in daily life, and the role of sila. Perhaps that would help put the maps - which can be so helpful - in perspective.

RE: Back From The Black
Answer
1/6/13 7:28 PM as a reply to Tommy M.
Tommy, sorry to hear about your trevails. It's great to have you back here again.

RE: Back From The Black
Answer
1/6/13 8:38 PM as a reply to Tommy M.
Tommy M:
and the emptiness of models is now so glaringly apparent that I can’t take them seriously anymore.


Great stuff Tommy, thanks for the sincerity.

I am beginning to believe that this sort of stuff is unavoidable unless you live a totally detached life. By embracing life, to some extent we embrace the whole spectrum of life, which will include thought and conceptual models.

We should probably not get too embarrassed about paths and attainments, because we know that they are just empty models. If they had true full predictive capability then we would be accepting that reality is just conceptual. Let me repeat that, if the models were right, the dharma would be wrong.

As it is, be enlightened or not, the depth of your nervous system already knows that there is Only This and the only adequate view is 'Don't Know'. Going beyond "Just This" and "Don't Know" is a true act of bravery and vulnerability.

Peace,

-Justin

RE: Back From The Black
Answer
1/6/13 9:06 PM as a reply to Tommy M.
Just pick yourself up and never lose that honesty you have. Keep practicing! I'm sure you learned a lot from AF and Dzogchen, because I learned a lot from your threads. emoticon

It may be controversial but I agree with Justin that living in a worldly scenario will mean being tested in nasty ways and until those marionette strings are pulled by life we my not notice the attachments that were always there. Also under cognitive therapy it's okay to see the emotion for what it is as long as the belief behind the emotion is reasonable. If it is reasonable then the emotion is correct. Just let go where it makes sense but also don't be a doormat.

RE: Back From The Black
Answer
1/6/13 9:49 PM as a reply to Richard Zen.
Tommy,
Glad to see you stop back in, I'd been wondering where you had gotten to.
I'm very sorry to hear why you had been away, and certainly hope any problems will be quickly resolved for all those involved.
As far as sounding like an arse... nonsense! You sound like an honest and thoughtful guy, who, I'm sure sometimes acts like a complete arse, but so does everyone else.
I'm sure everyone here has, at one point or another, used spiritual practice as a way to dull pain, or avoid it all together. I certainly have and still do. But there are much worse ways to deal with emotional difficulties, so at least you have chosen a good one.
You made a mistake(or twelve, I don't know) and now try to move on. Get up in the morning and deal with what is in front of you. One thing at a time. Be kind to yourself, and take Care!

Metta,

Brian.

RE: Back From The Black
Answer
1/6/13 10:36 PM as a reply to Tommy M.
So what kind of practice are you doing now?

RE: Back From The Black
Answer
1/7/13 1:51 AM as a reply to Brian Eleven.
Those stress symptoms are no fun are they? A couple of years back an ambulance was called out for me with suspected heart attack. Turned out to be just really heavy physical symptoms of stress.

I hope your situation is starting to turn Tommy.

RE: Back From The Black
Answer
1/7/13 2:03 AM as a reply to Tommy M.
Thanks for your honest and sincere post.

RE: Back From The Black
Answer
1/7/13 3:16 AM as a reply to An Eternal Now.
An Eternal Now:
Thanks for your honest and sincere post.


Ditto.....Respect

RE: Back From The Black
Answer
1/7/13 4:35 AM as a reply to Tommy M.
Congratulations! Obviously you learned a lot.

Tommy M:
As I’ve contemplated what’s gone on over the last four to six months of my life, it’s occurred to me that I used the whole AF/no affective emotion idea as a way to avoid facing up to the stressful and genuinely difficult situation I found myself in. Not that I didn’t pursue that outcome with complete sincerity, but my overwhelming desire to not have to feel the way I did led to me deluding myself and, through strong intent, creating a reality-tunnel for myself where I basically stopped registering emotions…temporarily.


Have you noticed, perchance, if this "constructed, self-serving reality" was fabricated by the way you interpret the world and yourself? Specifically, there is something you wish for, and a shortcut to "getting it" is to simply change the way you interpret the world, the way you interpret events, I.e., how you describe the world to yourself. I've been calling that "dissociation," but maybe there is a better word.

And it's really hard to catch that happening, too. Because there is a wide range of ways of thinking that something is "true" that have nothing to do with that very something having been rigorously demonstrated with proper evidence. And the ability to describe the world in a way that defies evidence is not only extremely widespread, but it is also a learnable skill, which is possible to practice unaware of doing so.

Speaking from experience... I found this to be particularly difficult during AF practices, because one of the things that an actualist strives for is honesty, and "I'm honest" is a particularly perverse interpretation to sustain in this "constructed, self-serving reality" mode. For imagine that, besides being "free from emotions" you also had decided that you were (no matter the evidence) "completely honest"... Then perhaps we would have never seen this post of yours (an actually honest post, if I'm allowed the pun emoticon ).

Some of this stuff can be avoided by taking Daniel's perspective that all of this stuff is just skills, which you practice and get good at, and which hopefully help you enjoy life, but which have no bearing whatsoever in how much of a jerk you actually are emoticon



Anyway, I think that the DhO is enriched by someone who has, besides wide experience and technical knowledge, the ability to be honest when it is the hardest.

RE: Back From The Black
Answer
1/7/13 1:28 PM as a reply to Tommy M.
I'm sure we could all cut ourselves some slack for simply being human - sometimes fragile, vulnerable, not super heros that can make anything vanish at whim... the good news is, we have started tapping into the incredible strength that keeps it going. A wise one once told me, "You're stronger and more resilient than you give yourself credit for." ;) Nothing but love for you.

Also...

More metta, please

RE: Back From The Black
Answer
1/7/13 4:39 PM as a reply to Steph S.
Hey Tommy,
I feel like instead of "paths" there should be those little round, embroidered patches, like scouts earn for their vests. There's definitely an "Aw, sheeeeeeet" umbrella patch or whole series. Oh, yeah, I've earned a few of those. I want my darn patch! (I'll get another chance...)

That talking bit, you know "shut up and practice" --- hmmm. If you, for one, shut up, then clearly a lot of peer learning and sharing would just not happen here. Apply contingent identity/dependent origination... emoticon

And, phooey, why should words (or the DhO or anywhere) be miraculously and always free of unsatisfactoriness (dukkha)? Meh. Even fine artists even/often loath their work. meh, meh.

Frankly, I think your practice has a more intense base and when this happens it seems like more intense travel-terrain, but my steady few favorite teachers (not necessarily "teachers" and certainly not necessarily meditators) really teach well from that hard base. Hard but very helpful.

Did I manage to make sense here or too many parentheses again? Dang. There needs to be a parantheses patch, too.

And while we're dealing with the MIA, where's C C C?

RE: Back From The Black
Answer
1/8/13 5:57 AM as a reply to Tommy M.
Hey Tommy,
you have helped me more than anyone here. this post describes some of the pain and difficulty that i have experienced in the past year. i feel for you greatly and thanks again for a timely and incive lesson. be well.

tom

RE: Back From The Black
Answer
1/13/13 8:24 PM as a reply to tom moylan.
hey tommy,

do you still consider that 10 day or so PCE to have been valid?

emptiness of path: i don't understand how an arahart can claim to be an arahart (or any other claimaint/claim). i guess it's just semantics for a purpose. hopefully the purpose isn't self-serving.