2 weeks of updates, sorry for the novel
OFF CUSHION:Sudden interest in learning new skills, renewed interest in side projects, etc. Didn't really pick up on this at first as anything related to the DN, just seemed like a good common sense decision to pursue these things.
Then I was listening to an Ajahn Sumedho talk where he talked about witnessing rebirth in the moment - when things get boring, dreary, and dull, when the romance is over, when arising is done arising, then you have to deal with passing. It is at these times when people have a craving to be reborn, to re-create themselves as something exciting, to re-ignite interest.
Also, may have been seeking to be effective via these skills because of perceived ineffectiveness of meditation.
Off cushion anchor points (noting while driving, showering, walking the dog, etc.) is not very strong or consistent.
ON CUSHION:Partial Day Retreat: Noted for about 7 hours, alternating walking and sitting.
Retreat was more uneventful and milder than I expected. First couple hours were a lot of A&P shaking. So much so that my neck and shoulders were stiff and store. No aversion or boredom really, though I had expected to deal with a lot of this.
A few hours in, started to hit DN stuff, a panicky mix of fear, aversion, disgust, and physical gagging. My heart was pumping and my whole body was bouncing. Really uncomfortable. This part didn't last very long (maybe 5 minutes) but it was intense and stood in stark contrast to the shakiness that preceded it and the boring spaciness that followed it for awhile.
About 5 hours in I hit a period where I suddenly felt totally overwhelmed. Completely victimized and violated by the thousands of sensations I had been noting all day. I just wanted it all to stop. I let them beat me around the edges and do what they wanted. Just surrendered and slowly noted them. I felt on the verge of tears, just overwhelmed by sadness and despair. I felt pathetic and useless. I wanted it all to just fucking end so bad. Seemed like obvious desire for deliverance stuff.
In the days following the retreat meditation felt very natural. I felt I could easily identify nanas and knew exactly how much effort to apply and in what quantities to move things along. This ability faded as the week went on.
Frequency of "DN cycles" are increasing. Starts in the face with a tightening of the eyes, lips, mouth, and neck. Mouth puckers up like I ate something nasty and sour. Body actually pulls backwards like I'm recoiling from something in front of me. Toes curl up. Unpleasant waves of just weird unidentifiable sensations come and go. Sometimes I'll get the physical gag, which opens everything up and I feel relieved.
Not really buying into the boredom and aversion as much. Doing a better job of dis-embedding, though there are still times where I get caught up in the content of aversion.
Bulk of sits are usually spent in these spots:
1. Body shaking, blinking, mouth twitching.
2. Open, spacious, calm, quiet, neutral, dull, distracted.
3. Tight, constricted, evil, aversion, disgusting. (doesn't last long, usually fall back into 1 or 2 quickly)
Other patterns:
1. Periods of just frustrated intense sadness. Like I'm about to cry, and I'm fed up. Pathetic.
2. Whole body, especially legs, bouncing restlessly.
3. Icky skin crawling just really weird shit, not as disgust-oriented as other DN cycles, just pure weird discomfort on a very raw level.
4. More acceptance, widening.
5. Lots of practice and map thoughts.
Thanks for reading!