Adam . .:
Ok, well intense depression popped back up today, so I don't think my formula of extroversion and self-acceptance will be the magic bullet I thought it was. In fact the only thing I can do to 'survive' right now is pure concentration. Panoramic attention, investigation of beliefs, trying to think positively, trying to alter perceptions are all basically unbearable.
And I know that whole thing ^ is just an optional narrative, but it takes so much energy to believe in a different narrative that I can only maintain such a perspective-shift for about 20 seconds. What really baffles me is that in the 5 days before today after 'blowing up' there was authentic joy, I spent the whole time socializing with people and there were practically no negative thoughts. I really don't think I am capable of so wholeheartedly committing to the non-meditation approach as I did in those days, and it really seemed to work but now the shit is coming back as if it never left and I can't fathom why.
Yeh I get this sort of thing too, but there's an answer. Try to remember the point at which the depression started and you will find negative expectation cloaked in some other more subtle form.
Here's some examples of scripts that might be running (along with some implications in brackets).
-- "I was so happy - there's no way I could have sustained that forever"..... (happiness requires hard work, happiness won't sustain itself)
-- "Nothing lasts forever" (everything has to end including my happiness, so I must be worthless)
-- "Bad things always follow good things, life evens itself out"
-- "I always knew this wouldn't really work"
-- "This is so great.... I better be extra careful to hold onto this lest it slip away" (I fear loss of happiness, I fear it can't be mine).
-- "I better grasp onto this good feeling because it's fading" (it's going...I can feel it going....GRASP)
The thing is, it worked. You were happy. Now just let go of all negative feelings in your body...the whole lot at once. Just do it for 5 seconds..... now extend that 5 seconds to a minute.... now 5 minutes, now notice how it tends to sustain itself quite easily...it flows
on its own.Don't try to replace negative scripts with positive ones, just let go all fear....of everything....now. Keep doing it until the flow appears. Then start mixing with people again and it will get you back where you want to be.