Hi chuck. Got an email from someone asking for help and thought of you asking for applicable examples in life using D.O. for solution. Here is the letter to me and the answer that was sent out....--
1. the letter:
Dhamma Greetings Sister Khema,
I'm sure you get tons of e-mails so please forgive me for writing, but I just wondered if you have any brief insights or suggestions concerning an issue I've recently faced: I live in Chicago and attend Wat Phrasri (where I've seen you but unfortunately didn't have a chance to meet you; please come back!), and there's a nightly meditation with the monks that's nice to attend.
But there's one person who's always there who, afterwards, always ends up talking my ear off and who is extremely negative, self-centered, judgemental and criticical towards my and everyone else's practice, etc., etc. It's hard to get away from him, and while I don't argue back and try to just be polite and leave, I still end up leaving with just kind of a bad feeling. It's hard to leave a meditation with such a negative energy.
So I guess the question is, any strategies for dealing with negative and difficult people within the practice?? I realize that if I'm weighted down with this and "taking on" his traits as my own, then there's obviously some craving in me that I need to look at; and I also try to feel metta towards him, but it's honestly difficult. I try!
I think what's hard is that I (and I think a lot of people) long for more wise spiritual friendship and a feeling of Sangha, so it's hard to go to a meditation only to end up encountering the most toxic and difficult person I've dealt with all day...and I try to focus on myself, leave another's practice and kamma to them, and feel metta, but it's not easy sometimes...
Any suggestions??

Thank you!
With Metta, M
2. AND THE ANSWER that was sent out:
Dhamma Greetings M,
You have the right idea about how there is some craving on your part too and what you should be doing. Maybe it would be good to look a little bit more into how this is all happening, eh?
I will take your last comment first here. We could really, really use the physical help here at this time! If you want to come down here on a work/study exchange, I would like to see that happen for awhile. We really need physical strength to help out right now and the more people coming in to help, the easier the solutions will come for all that is needed to be done. We can help each other!
You are welcome to come down and study with us here and help with cleaning up the new building and surrounding forest from last year's storm. there is lots of wood to move around. The newest building is an old Saw Mill we will be converting into a space for all kinds of cottage industry ( sharpening service for one man to run; a pottery shop for another person to run; an art studio for painting and sculpture works; a wood-shop for carving and making wood furniture and other things like doors and maybe windows etc for the place.
This is the beginning of the Dhamma Village . In the future, people will be able to build small log cabins near this building on a new section of land devoted to this Village project and live part of the year or year round here. We will build this Dhamma Village and that will eventually help support the monks and nuns at the monastery and the monastics will teach the Dhamma to the people and offer emotional support in life......
If you can come down this summer, you can donate a little bit into the pot and we will share housing, and food, and meditation training and you can help with what has to be done to help with this place. If interested, please write me back.....
But One thing! AND THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. Please only come if you are willing to immerse yourself in using this practice as you work and study with us which means sitting together early every morning, hearing Dhamma talks nearly every night and checking in with the teacher every day..... ok?
About your situation with "negative man".
When a person begins to talk presenting negative things, and overall criticizing etc, this is a perfect opportunity for you to examine more closely the true nature of how everything is actually working in this situation at the deepest level.
As most of us who are untrained do, we listen using a personal perspective, which means 'hearing everything as having a personal nature', i.e. taking it personally, and this is 'ATTA' becoming outwardly active within you! This is taking what is said to the 'self', as some call it, and 'negative man' is aggravating 'your self' because you unconsciously and unknowingly are taking personally what you are hearing. This causes difficulties for you. It causes suffering because of ignorance, which is not understanding the Four noble Truths.
To begin with one must see
1.what the suffering actually is
2. what is the cause of the suffering
before you can move on to seeing how
3. there can be a cessation of that same suffering
and
4. any step you can take to help this cessation happen; a path leading to it.
Let's break down a little bit what is really happening now, sort of like using a lens on a microscope to see more closely what is going on for you in this very situation. OK?
Consider this before considering any other perspective and solution:
Right now,
1. Your body has an ear sense door so 1) there is a working ear sense door.
The ear meets 2)a sound, and 3)ear consciousness arises. With the meeting of these three
2. There is EAR-CONTACT. With contact as condition;
3. FEELING arises. Remember that FEELING is always Painful, Pleasant or Neither Painful-nor-Pleasant. In this case, it is a painful feeling! With painful feeling as condition;
4. CRAVING arises. Craving always manifests (shows up first) as tension and tightness in mind and in body. ( if you observe carefully what is happening when this person approaches you and begins to speak, tension and tightness will shift in your body and mind.... try to notice this change and tightening as it is beginning to happen. This is the arising of CRAVING which is the "I" don't like it mind!
Immediately after this happens, with this craving as condition;
5. CLINGING arises! Clinging happens very fast and if we are not taught about precisely what clinging is, then we could easily assume that craving and clinging are happening together. But they are not! They are two separate links which happen within this impersonal process. Clinging is the story, opinion, views, idea, concepts of WHY YOU personally don't like it.
EX. When this guy comes up to you, mind goes from "I" don't like this into " I REALLY don't like this because WHY? BECAUSE I know he is going to talk and talk and talk, and it urks me and it makes me feel negative and he is sooooooooooo opinionated etc. etc etc. and so forth and so on........ " This is CLINGING..... and
with clinging as condition;
6. HABITUAL TENDENCY arises. This is also called 'being' or 'existence' by some translations. What is it? Actually it is YOUR arising personal library of RE-ACTIONS which you always act out in life whenever a particular thing is happening.
With HABITUAL TENDENCY as condition;
7. BIRTH of action now occurs in this situation and this is where YOU personally take some kind of action because of what you are hearing.
For instance, in this situation,
a. you immediately turn inwards taking very personally what he is saying and then you personally feel bad from it..........
b. Perhaps you stand there and just continue listening, trying to send metta to him but still, because you are taking it personally, this is affecting inside like you say; OR
c. Maybe you just walk away and ignore what is said but, because of this personal aspect, you feel down because of his negative thrusts;
At any rate, there you are! His CRAVING which is his personal dislike of what's going on, is triggering your own CRAVING which is your personal dislike of his opinions.
Do you see the personal perspective (ATTA) popping up here for both of you in this situation? It's really an interesting example.
Actually there is a choice being made here. This choice is VOLITION. POINT OF CHOICE. FREE AGENCY. Whatever you want to call it.
TO CRAVE or NOT TO CRAVE! That is the question isn't it?
Whatever re-action happens, remember that Action is always Mental action, Verbal action, and or Bodily Action. These are the three kinds of action that occur and they can overlap each other too.
Usually, one unconsciously and very quickly, chooses to carry out the chosen Habitual tendency card you pulled out of your personal library and then follows through with one or more of the above actions described. But the action is a re-action NOT a response. it happens very fast.
With birth of action as condition;
8. Aging and Death, sorrow, lamentation, pain, grief and despair happen in this event and then the event Ends and another one begins......!
Of course, this is disturbing for you mostly because it steals away from you your own present moment of spontaneous living, doesn't it? It is stealing your energy or calm too because you are taking it personally.
What to do?
So far, you have been given some knowledge about how this interaction is actually working right now for you. Now,let's investigate how you can change, experiment with shifting the situation, so there might become some room to respond and not have it bother you so much.
The question is, how can you turn the table on this situation, eh?
First, consider what it would be like if you shifted your perspective (your view) in this situation. Practicing the shift from the personal perspective into an impersonal perspective is your first exercise.. Become aware of the difference and then try it out for awhile.
What if this entire interaction was viewed from an impersonal perspective?
How could the event shift to a different outcome?
Well lets' look at this.
1.the ear hears in the same way described above and then
2. Contact happens. But this time, you have chosen to consider what you heard in an impersonal way! As you RECOGNIZE the arising tension and tightness shifting in mind and body, you know this is the arising of
3. CRAVING, you now know about so you can now use this tension to trigger a RELEASE step. Just let what you heard come in as 'just a sound'. LET IT GO! LET IT FALL AWAY and then right following this, RELAX. By doing this, you are letting go of any personal view or opinion and your "I" don't like it mind that was catching you before is let go of. Without this opinion jumping up you now give yourself space to not fall directly into;
4. CLINGING. Remember Clinging is where mind obsesses on how much you dislike what is going on instead of being able to live in the present moment.
This time, you CHOOSE to bring up a more wholesome aspect which is the RELAX and SMILE steps, smiling inwardly to yourself. ( not recommended to smile into the person's face , haha. cause they might take it wrong... so just smile in to yourself...) If you do this, then what you heard does not deflate your calm or steal your energy so much. WHY? Because now you know a secret! What secret? You understand HOW this process is actually working, ...... step by step... link by link....., which means you have a choice what to do or not to do! you are armed now with Knowledge.
5. Because you do not cling, you do not slip into your old HABITUAL TENDENCIES of RE-ACTING when handling things. Instead, now, you have created for yourself SPACE to RESPOND in a more PEACEFUL way.
In a sense, you could say you have found a doorway to PEACE.
This time, you choose to activate impersonally sending out METTA and KARUNA into this situation. Remember the definition for KARUNA? (COMPASSION?)
COMPASSION is "allowing the person the space to have their pain and loving them unconditionally anyway".
This interaction is now changing into an act of loving kindness and compassion on your part.
When you RELAX and SMILE inwardly, you then RETURN to a wholesome object of meditation which is actually the sending out of the COMPASSION and METTA towards this person, wrapping them in a blanket of Loving Kindness, Patience, and understanding..
You are now involved in an act of Compassion.
If you have an opportunity to speak at all when this person does this every time in teh same way, perhaps, you can very gently smile at them and ask them "How has coming to meditation helped them in life?", or ask them "what is it that is positive about the meditation for them or listen to what do they feel is missing for them in the practice you are doing?"
At this point, if you are more present in the situation and aware of how this is working, then you begin to understand how this person is suffering somehow. They are in pain in life somehow and they may be 'venting' like this to let out their pain. YOU see now a human being in pain instead of negative man getting on your nerves?
If they are having a tough time in life right now, like so many people are, they can perhaps learn how to practice right effort in a similar way using these steps. This is what we are talking about with the 6 STEPS we use in the 6Rs....
1. Recognize unwholesome thoughts, (like the complaining, the suffering, and the negative things)
2. Release the unwholesome thoughts and Relax the tension in body and mind;
3. Smile and Return your mind to a wholesome, ( like one little thing that went well for them this past week?) and smile, or taking time with the meditation (which is most wholesome) and then ....
4. Repeat the wholesome smiling and letting things go, keep that going.... and know this is a form of meditation in itself.
See? Right now, so many of us are going through such tough times, embracing the practice of Right Effort which is the four steps above, can help us to pull out of negative thoughts and actions and bring us around to a more positive perspective and keep that going which will create more positive things in the future for us!
People are wearing themselves out right now with worry, thinking about what might happen, thinking about what has happened before, etc that they are exhausted and without energy for living here and now. The Past and Future is stealing the Present from them and this is causing a lot of suffering.
Forgiving everything for a few days is an excellent exercise and laughing when we are caught by the tension and tightness of what's happening in the world. Let go and LIVE!
Also, helping another person, and passing that on to others is what is needed most today.... If we are stuck without a job, then we have time to see how we can help out in our communities, help the elderly, help our neighbors, help the poor build a better neighborhood etc and so forth. People can work together, it is a part of our nature sorely neglected these days.
Even though we are out of work, we do not need to be unoccupied ... we can help one another. Especially out here in the country.
Of course i am giving you these examples, when, in fact, I do not know whether the practice you are using where you are is able to shift into life like this so easily or not. But anybody can pick up on the practice of Right Effort in this way using the 4 steps I mentioned and this will help alleviate problems.
You just need to understand what is happening first at the core of the interaction. The personal aspect is most of the problem. Remember the impersonal process going on. Go in there and check where it is in the process you are personally caught the most, then, let go!
With proper knowledge and personally watching this, you will come to know it is knowledge that can set you free. That is, the knowledge and vision that the Buddha was teaching. Knowing by seeing is what is meant by 'vision'. Knowledge and Vision was the Buddha's recipe for training and then using the practice in life.
Hope this helps some.
Please let me know how working with this turns out.
Metta and smiles.
Sister Khema
M