| | Off cushion leading up to sit: Noticed a sliding from contentment towards doubting and insecurity (about my practise) then felt close to tears. I noted these as best I could, but again started to slip into intellectualising rather than seeing.
Was reading through other practise logs looking for points that seemed to be relevant for what I’m experiencing. Following on from Fitter Strokes advice which I am keeping at the fore of my mind, this post on from Nikolai an Alan Smithee’s log really added some further impetus:
‘When you get up into what you are calling 'high equanimity', is their a tendency to overlay/assign the mental weight of 'unique' or 'unusual' to certain sensations/phenomena over other phenomena? If so, is such a segregation of the field of experience (i.e. some phenomena unique, other phenomena not unqiue) noticed (and thus noted)? Or is such a tendency to section off aspects of the field of experience and relate to them subjectively as 'unique' going unnoticed? or is it more so, an evaluation occuring in hindsight and not at the very moment of 'high equanimity'? If so, carry on. Just be aware that such a tendency, if gone unnoticed/unnoted, could be a source of frustration and obstacle.
If going unnoticed, perhaps including such manifestations as part and parcel of the wide, panoramic, 100% inclusive awareness (a defining factor of 11th nana/4th jhana territory, at least right before the infamous 'blip', cessation, fruition, shift seems to occur to do the desired damage) will get things moving along to where the mind forgets/ceases to assign any mental weight whatsoever to any of it,where it all just mixes together as one mass/borderless blob of phenomena, mental movements, sensations, just the field of experience, where sensations of 'self'/'me-ness' get lost in that same mass of experience/phenomena. Ideal synching up territory.
Is any aspect of experience being held differently (assigned mental weight such as 'unique') to other aspects'? If so, noticing and noting such a tendency/manifestation will usually lead to letting go of it, and letting go of it all, the entire field of experience, borderless mass of phenomena, is the cause for the cessation of all the senses (i.e. the cessation of the entire field of experience). If some aspect is being assigned mental weight within the mind, such as 'unique', there is a tendency to hold onto that thus evaluated 'object', not a letting go of it. Letting go of it all is key in high Eq.’
Slightly further down this log, Richard Zen posted about noting, which again stood out.
Retrospective analysis of my sits, with all these points in mind, have made me realise how I’m striving for SE in the same way I was striving for jhana in my previous practise - and how such striving is creating content I’m getting lost in.
With all this in mind, I took a more relaxed approach this morning. I let my concentration linger on the breath past access concentration as I noticed hearing/feeling etc. Then I began to notice the difference in hearing/listening etc. As my concentration deepened, I had to make a slight effort not to get absorbed, and just note the sensations (as I write I realise I could have been noting this effort too!). I began to become increasing aware of the observer, so I stayed around this focus and noticing what was going on (no labels at this point). Slowly I noticed more subtle mind states, and slowly I noticed the interplay of self upon these. The tension I associated yesterday with the observer was observed as just feeling and my clinging to this sensation. The observer was then seen as different feelings progressing through waves as I noticed the link. I then, more slowly and delicately, noticed this with thoughts and subtle mind states (I need to spend much more time here!). I noticed the breath and jhana, but again stuck to looking at the mind states this produced. Not-self and impermanence were strong here, and not-self created sensations of sadness (maybe with hindsight this was dukkha being clear, but I just noted it as sad). It was around here that the link between self and sensation became clearer and clearer. I noticed a few flickering’s in this gap, became excited, noticed the excitement and again saw very brief flickering’s. At this point thoughts of progress and my worrying that I was scripting or reading too much became increased, so I just backed off and went to a wider field again. I had a quick peek at my timer at this point, and saw I only had a few minutes left, so I watched the coalescence of self as my concentration became less refined, which was both enjoyable and insightful. I attempted some more metta as I came out, but really struggled with the absurdity of using ‘I’, so tried ‘we’ to represent what seemed like the thousands of ‘I’s I could see, and just laughed to myself and used I :-)
This feels like the way I should focus my sits for now – regardless of progress, the insights were profound and unsettling, which I guess is good. I know the implications of some of these are still racing through my mind. |