| | Hello,
In the last few weeks, I have had numerous times where, basically, I "didn't know who was doing what I was doing." It wasn't just a conceptual or academic experience. It was more like "Oh crap, I really don't know." Sometimes there is a feeling of un-reality but that isn't the prevelant color. It is actually more of a pleasant experience, associated with stronger mindfulness, and I find myself seeking it out.
A couple examples - I am speaking to someone and hear my words but there is a feeling of 'who is saying this'. Or, I am about to walk into a meeting and I am wondering, 'who is going in the meeting'? I am able to create this mind-state fairly easily, with perhaps 30-45 minutes of strong noting practice, or even just 10 minutes of noting in the context of a very routine activity like walking to the bus or doing dishes.
By way of background, meditation until recently gave me anxiety, but that has gone away now. I had a lot of tension around the breath. I don't know if that was pre-AP or dark night. But it seems largely gone now, or at least much less and it goes away. More recently, I have had more calmness and these experiences, described above, of not knowing who was doing X. I have been able to induce rapture, and rising feelings in meditation. And yesterday, I had the strong sense (when meditating with eyes open, which I usually do not do) that the room got WAY brighter all around and I was rising. Less frequently, I have the feeling that I just want to drop fabrications/formations because they are so tiresome, and I have a little bit of mental quiet around that, but those experiences seem fairly limited in time and in depth.
So, let me know if you have ideas about my "who is speaking" type experiences, in this context. I try to do a bit of noting about my mental states around this time, things like 'mindful, mindful', 'uncertainty, uncertainty', but am still working on how to note that. It isn't a crucial issue, because I feel like much of my meditation-anxiety has gone away now, but I am still curious to hear from those that might have more experience than me. Are these just day to day insights, and not necessarily a big step on the stages of insight? Thanks! |