I actually came into *this* accidentally. I was dealing with trauma and anxiety and found myself in the territory this website is dedicated to.
You asked:
Dark night?
It has taken me a bit to map the terms used on this website to my experience. Having noted that, conscious recognition of the A&P, et al, though insights came in a different order.
I will note that this is what worked for me and that it is not for everyone (it is likely not safe for everyone post A&P),
You asked:
Why is it not for everyone?
I'd offer it is not for everyone because some may be so confused as to their true nature that they might not be able to take this all the way, get confused, and stop having only delved deeper into their wounds, pockets of consciousness, and having aroused those feel them all the more. This is natural because those pockets are there for a reason - most often they are created to adapt our behavior by shaping our reality emotionally. Normally, when they are aroused it is because our minds have matched them as 'appropriate' with what is going on around us. They are there to express themselves (emotionally and not necessarily through action). When we arouse them on purpose, we should be prepared to allow them to express themselves all the way (
through emotion not through action.) If we don't yet have the ability to be truly honest with ourself and seek to hold others responsible for how we feel, we may not be ready for this practice.
what I would do is literally do a reverse of "avoid the spiral of escalating thoughts/sensations". I head straight for "the spiral". If you remember the "hotter/colder" game we played as children, as variant of concentration practice, play hotter colder with the *escalating sensations*. Essentially as you keep working towards the "spiral" you are getting "hotter" and there are signs that will let you know you are getting to the right place
- first, the "radio player" voice of the mind, will let you know by *escalating thoughts*
- for me, a deeper sign the heart will palpitate with an atrial fibrillation
- for me, a even deeper sign is a slight to moderate convulsive movement in the gut
In particular, I note these signs as progress towards "hotter" because the mind may be telling/yelling and possibly screaming at you to "stop". That is a good sign you're going in precisely the right direction, ie your attention and concentration are fixed on sensations and thoughts that are "hotter". Keep your concentration focused and when one *sensation and/or thought pair* begin to hit upon an even *hotter sensation or thought pair*, allow attention to go to the "hotter" one, in other words - allow attention to make a gentle switch to trade up. :-)
You asked:
I am thinking about metta practice, where one through images and thoughts generates a feeling of loving kindness. This predisposes the person towards experiencing more of that feeling outside of meditation. How is your practice different? You say it has the opposite effect. My question probably sounds naive and I think I know what the answer may be, but the similarity between the two practices perplexes me.
Please note that I'm not a practitioner of metta practice and I never conceived of it in relation to metta practice.
So First, remember as Hokai would say,
practice, effect and
result are different things. Keeping it very pithy (and incomplete) here: The thing to know is that the
practice of cultivating loving kindness in
effect provides an opening (clarifying baseline Self) for natural acceptance. In the long term
result can provide a self acceptance and with full self acceptance naturally comes acceptance of everything (we actually always only ever resist ourselves...even when we pin this resistance with great imagination and creativity on 'others'.)
So Second, what the practice I offered (above) is the opposite of is
aversion. In a sense metta practice is making a bee line towards loving kindness (baseline Self). In a sense, the practice (above) is making a bee line towards the shadows which are what cloud loving kindness (baseline Self) to bring them into the light. Once they, shadows/pockets of consciousness, are fully expressed in this way and are seen/heard/felt, then they lose their 'stickiness' and no longer cloud true Self. If pockets are present and left to the shadows (you can tell because feel their distraction/attraction), the metta practice can literally practice bypass these as distractions. Even though metta does have a useful effect (per First paragraph immediately above).
So Third (and more on this in the next question), once you know the taste of Self as a Love (via Metta or first awakening) which has no resistance to whatever is (in
effect an acceptance that brings true freedom to act or not act), then you can use that as a compass pointer and give yourself to your darkest shadows and allow shadows to come to the light (aka you) fully and unravel themselves/yourselves knowing who you really are (Love). In essence, it is a tremendous act of love to give yourself up willingly to your shadows of which bring anxiety, anger, et al
Existing insight (seeing through content to context) in this can be helpful, for obvious reasons, but isn't necessary. I'll also note this can lead to insight. If you have good insight practice already, but seeing through content it isn't yet an instant reflex, then use practice to bring yourself to context first. Then allow yourself to get lost in the content. Yes, that's right. You have to let go and allow yourself to become what you behold (context becomes content again). If being context is a reflex, no worries as it'll co-pilot of its own accord. If being context (insight to see through content) isn't in the repertoire, no worries; essentially by simply holding attention towards the energetic center, the pocket of your consciousness that's giving you the anxiety can come to the surface - given enough time in concentration in the "hottest spot" found in the "hotter colder" game. And simply by holding concentration long enough, the center (aka "spiral" as you said) will flicker and fade like a candle at the end of its wick. With that fading, don't stop; keep concentration for a while (at least minutes) into the quiet. Content is silently dropping (attachment withering) leaving only context even if you can't see this for a while.
You asked:
I got lost there. Is context the bare sensations? By content I assume you mean what the thoughts contain. My meditation experience is that as I get more concentrated the thoughts keep coming and going, but less frequently. Each time a thought appears, I know the content though. I can't recall ever experiencing a thought without knowing its content. It is through the content that I recognize that there is a thought, by realizing that my field of awareness now includes those other things than just bare sensations. It is not like a car that I can see from afar before seeing what is inside. I realize that this is off-topic, but I am explaining my level of understanding to possibly explain my confusion about the paragraph. I don't know what you mean by bringing oneself to context. I don't know what you mean by existing insight.
I'd offer a reference point based on your statements, context is the "field of awareness" and all content is shaped from it and taken in in different ways. The answer is in your question and metaphor, "It is not like a car that I can see from afar before seeing what is inside." Once you see what is inside the car, does the car disappear so you can't see it? OR are you just distracted/attracted so much by what's inside the car, that you pretty much can't get yourself to look at the car for habit of looking at the passengers? Note: recognition of car and passengers pretty much happens simultaneously as does your learned attraction. Now you know what's attracting you and distracting you from the car, go have another look and
feel yourself give into your attraction for what's inside the car knowing it is a distraction. Once you've located (felt clearly) the
attraction to look into the car you'll be on your way to seeing...just keep going that way.
It is always best to do this when the anxiety is freshest, that is when it is naturally arising, but do this practice in private until you're confident you can handle it in more public places. If you can't get somewhere private, note/write down the thoughts arising around the sensation and use them for sitting. Tears, sobbing, and many other phenomenologies will occur. Just note them (don't resist them, but don't act on their content - this is not a good time to get up and tell someone off even if every fiber of your being says so...that's just the content talking and right now you're giving yourself to something not to act on, rather something to unfetter.)
You asked:
Is it a good idea to imagine oneself public speaking in some place, before the event?
Depends on the person and what they're trying to achieve. Personally, I'd note thoughts pre-occupied on a future event as a sign of pocket of consciousness trying to help and I'd go into that shadow (allow that shadow to come to the light/surface) and play itself out as discussed. It might make the public speaking worse or better, but that's of secondary importance to me.
Finally, the clearest sign we realize the anxiety is truly gone, is usually when you begin to worry what will happen to you without the anxiety to 'shepherd/push' you (believe it or not). And this belies another phenom in this that to fully resolve one thing, such as a defense mechanism, can then reveal yet another wound it was covering. And in this sense, things can seem better having traversed a "layer" and then worse for a while as we dismantle ourselves.
One gets so laid back that it is hard to motivate oneself to do anything?
You wrote:
Dan, thanks for your post! I am asking because I care.
I understand. Ask anytime.
Dan