Hello everyone! I feel fortunate to find this website…
I have been reading the posts and Daniel’s book for some time. I am somewhat a newbie and now far away from any decent teacher, I felt like this is the best place to look for some advice. I will try to explain my situation as specific as I can. Any advice or further questions are much appreciated. Thank you.
These are the things that got me into meditation:1. I have ear ringing problem caused by a huge explosion last year. The physical pain rarely interferes with my meditation, but the mental reaction and suffering (usually remembering the good old “silent” days) is a big issue.
2. I can’t stop being in a rush. Usually because of having strong aversion to ear ringing and desire to neutralize my mental suffering. So, my inner speech is quite high and getting a calm mind is a tough job for me.
3. I am prone to self-guilt, self-pity and worry (defects from childhood).
4. I am a perfectionist, seeking for the best of everything and quite often getting in mental turbulance in case of “failure” (which made me quite successful in my job and very miserable in life!)
5. To sum all up, I feel worn out and tired just for being alive.
This is my meditation experience so far:I went to Thailand, had 2x10 days anapanasati retreat in Wat Suan Mokkh with teachings of Ajahn Buddhadasa, a 10 day vipassana retreat in Wat Kow Tahm (which I mostly practiced anapana anyway) and finally a 10 day Goenka retreat, all in 3,5 months span.
I found the Goenka method beneficial even in the short run (I remember crying with joy during metta sessions). But I somehow decided to stick with anapana, using Buddhadasa's method. I wanted to at least get into access concentration (which I couldn’t), see that something’s really working, and have the necessary fuel to go on. Also I had doubts with Goenka method; is it really as effective as “advertised” by himself, and how far can I go using it?..
This is what my practice is like in my 5. Month:I practice 1-2 hours every day. Each meditation session usually starts with sloth or struggle to sit. I can get a decent concentration where I would hardly feel my breath anymore. Not true silence, but just bubbling thoughts on background... Then the thought stream gets rapid, visions from “good old days” and the tension of staying focused just pushes me out of concentration. This cycle usually takes 40-60 minutes. If I am excited, in a bad mood etc, I have a 30 mins of vague concentration and usually end my session with frustration.
So… I am thinking about going back to square one and start again with vipassana to settle down my mind, have some equanimity and reduce my inner speech. This, in my opinion, may also improve my concentration.
What is your opinions about all these? If you think I should go with vipassana, would you recommend Goenka? (At least I attended to a retreat and know the stuff), or Mahasi method as Daniel refers to so often? (I have the books for it)
Or do you think I’m just chickening out? Not giving concentration a decent try?
Thanks for your patience at least for reading