| | Hi Tom, No, I don't mind sharing.
Actually I was "umming and ahhing" about whether to go into the whole retreat experience, so I'm glad you prompted me. I wasn't sure whether to do it in this section as its moving away from what I was originally asking about but looking at the other categories I'm not sure where else to put it apart from maybe miscellaneous:
I'm wondering how much or how little to say and specifically, how much of it is really relevant and how much is just my own content based crap, that I was unable to deal with effectively. Thus I cannot say as to whether the progress I made (because I feel I did make some) was "worth it" for trying almost six months as it doesn't seem like much of a return, especially when compared to all the "big hitters" out there on this and KFDs site. But there is little purpose served in comparing.
However, I feel there were some mitigating circumstances. Quite how much they affected me to the point of serious disruption to the progress on the path of insight and how much was "my issues" and perhaps I wouldn't have gotten much further anyhow is difficult for me to know. So, as not to be too abstract about this, there was a "rogue yogi" there with serious anger issues, who almost attacked me towards the end of my stay there (which FINALLY prompted me to leave and spend my last week on retreat at MBMC. Wish I'd gone there sooner). He also got up to plenty of other disruptive forms of behaviour during my stay there (and not just directed at me). It is difficult enough to try and deal with your own crap let alone have someone elses issues poured into the mix as well. You might well ask why I didn't leave before. I actually thought to leave several times (not just because of that man, but also because of my fragile emotional states viz. anxiety, panic, depression and all manner of other... but decided to stay just simply because of something I read a long time ago, Q & A from Ajahn Chah:
Q: What about other methods of practice? These days there seem to be so many teachers and so many different systems of meditation that it is confusing.
A: It is like going to town. One can approach from the north, from the southeast, from many roads. Often these systems just differ outwardly. Whether you walk one way or another, fast or slow, if you are mindful it is all the same. There is one essential point that all good practice must eventually come to. That is not clinging. In the end, all meditation systems must be let go of. Neither can one cling to the teacher. If a system leads to relinquishment, to not clinging, then it is correct practice.
You may wish to travel, to visit other teachers and try other systems. Some of you have already done so. This is a natural desire. You will find out that a thousand questions asked and knowledge of many systems will not bring you to the truth. Eventually you will get bored. You will see that only by stopping and examining your own mind can you find out what the Buddha talked about. No need to go searching outside yourself. Eventually you must return to face your own true nature. Here is where you can understand the Dhamma.
However, I now think that sometimes some places really are not that conducive to good practice.
There's something else I should add before starting as it could be relevant. First I wish I had re-read Daniel's book just prior to going because I had forgotten most of it from first read over 2 years before. I had forgotten he mentioned that any retreat center that you go to has it's shadow side and it seems to me that some places have bigger shadows than others. I would not recommend anyone to retreat at BHL for that reason. However, I also wonder whether I have a "very big" shadow side, which was the cause to "attract" me to go somewhere else with huge shadow issues. Having mentioned that "rogue yogi" who is just one aspect of BHL's shadow (after all, the management there have allowed that situation to develop because they let the guy practically live there, which is unhealthy in and of itself. Especially as he is not practicing properly, and is certainly not coming out of greed, hatred and delusion). Indeed very few people in the world, even very acomplished practitioners, could retreat almost indefinitely? Surely.
Aside from the shadows, and from a very practical point of view, BHL is very poorly designed. It's worse for the men because their quarters are stuck in amongst the agitated energies of all aspects of non-retreatants. From all the visitors, the regular lay-devotees, non-practicing monks, near the kitchen and dining area. At least for the females they are removed and are located next to the meditation hall. However, the sayadaw's kuti's are also over there and so, in the retreat area, you still get a constant stream of visitors from the outside, coming by (to see visit the Sayadaw's), sometimes on the mobiles or talking etc. It's worse at weekends. Also not to mention the inner road they built right up to the retreat area, which being Asia means that cars often drive right up there just simply to turn around (something they could do elsewhere but being Asia, they just don't think about the noise and pollution ie exhaust fumes coming right into the hall as you sit. Nice.). On the plus side, it was because of all those annoyances, that I was able to accept them more and more over time, by the simple practice of noting them. But why put in 'extras' to deal with. Still, by the time I reached MBMC, I wasn't in the least disturbed by the city noise outside, which some meditators complain about there.
Okay, so on to the retreat itself: First it took me a while to start practicing continuously, without resting, for example, after breakfast and lunch. I only realized that I needed to put in more effort when the Sayadaw gave a Dhamma talk after I'd been there about 3-4 weeks already in which he said that to "guarantee" stream entry you need to be sitting and walking for 16 hours per day [ie 8 each as he thinks you should do it in a balanced way 50/50 - and he stressed this quite often. However, only after I'd been there a few months another Sayadaw contradicted this, citing that one could sit for longer 2-3 hours, IF you've already attained 6th nana]. In fact much later I came to realize that different teachers can have quite different approaches even if they are from not just the same tradition, but the same monastery/school within a given tradition. He also said that if you practice 14 hours/day you have a chance to gain stream entry, but it's not certain. Anything less than that is pretty unlikely in his opinion. I managed most days about 12 hours. I had 5/1/2 to 6 hours sleep per night and even that was a struggle at times. I tried 5 hours for a 3 week period but it was too exhausting, so the Sayadaw also suggested I go back to 6. It's worth mentioning that he is 74 years old and still only sleeps 3 + 1/2 hours per night he told me.
As a side note, personally I would have found it helpful/beneficial if there had been at least a few other yogi's around who were also trying their damndest to gain some insight. However, the vast majority, you cannot even say were on retreat really (so little time did they spend in the retreat area. Many were also talking and well beyond just a very short exchange of say 5 mins.) Although the Sayadaw would stress the need for continuous practice and how if you weren't, then there was little point even being there, during my stay only very few were diligently striving. And of those probably at best some managed 10 hours of solid sitting/walking and then at most they were there about 1 month or so. I had to continually "push myself" to keep going because they are very relaxed there with no enforced discipline.
For what it's worth having looked at the interesting map chart (link provided by "dream walker", thanks for that) it seems that I reached somewhere in the 4th nana range. Possibly 4.3 I base that primarily on the super bright white lights I was experiencing a lot. And after a time, told to pretty much ignore. It took me 3 months of mostly frustration and seemingly thinking I was never going to get anywhere in the practice (but I was still determined to continue because I kept thinking "what if..") ie what if I do continue something might happen eventually and it did because literally overnight and just after I'd been there about 3 months and a week, suddenly my concentration was better than I've ever known it. Every time I sat, I had virtually no wandering mind. Sit after sit I was able to stay with the rising and falling, except when noting the bright lights and also at the same time I was starting to experience extremely violent shaking such that after each sitting I felt like I was coming out of a 12 round boxing match. I am not kidding. This continued for 6 days and became so extreme it was actually dangerous ( I had had to move my cushion well away from the walls lest I bash my head or hands/arms which were flailing wildly at times - it also felt like I might strain or sprain one of various tendons/muscles particularly in the groin area) and the Sayadaw told me that I had to stop forcibly stop it happening. This I did, but I still wonder why, after intensely noting what was happening, as it was happening at the time (viz. "shaking, writhing, contorting, nodding, swaying, rocking, swinging, jerking etc. etc) I was unable to note my way out of it as it were (as I thought this was the whole point, to keep noting what was happening at all times). But in this instance, it was too dangerous to allow it to continue.
[There are, however, still a lot of aspects to Daniel's maps or rather the descriptions that I don't fully understand or particularly relate to even if it seems that I may have passed through that area. In particular, I have no idea about the vibratory qualities given in terms of Hz.]
This period of excellent concentration lasted around 3-4 weeks. Then, it started to fizzled out as I entered the 5th month, along with my own abilities to "keep going". It was also around this time, that I made the fatal mistake of being "sucked in to talking" and perhaps some boredom set in and I started to read some Dharma books. As soon as these things happened, I just couldn't ever seem to re-discover my initial mojo. I was also having a lot of thoughts about the outside world, and things back at home etc. I think I bit off more than I could chew with regard to aiming at a six month retreat. In future I shall probably limit it to around three months should I get the opportunity again. |