| | Oh boy, I do relate, dude. I totally feel ya.
I think part of the frustration comes from the fact that while we can make a linear map from unenlightened to enlightened, with instructions on how to proceed, the thing we're going at is all about stopping making perceptual mistakes over and over in real time. It's frustrating to hit a jhana, then get in a fight with your family right afterwards, feeling frustrated that you couldn't keep calm even after having so much bliss. The A&P is also a big downer, since it feels so great and marks obvious progress, but doesn't last long and then leads to a spiritual/mental low, if not the dark night. There are lots of descriptions of how simple the enlightened perspective is and how it's immediately there once we have enough mindfulness. Thus, when we can't just get there, it feels like a shortcoming. I haven't solved the problem yet, but I totally feel ya. Here are a few things that might be motivating or calming.
-Some people seem to be able to do it quickly, even spontaneously, while others take many years, even decades, with many retreats. Some people don't get hit hard by dark night stuff, others (like me, it seems) will have much more trouble there. We all come in different shapes, sizes, predispositions, and intuitions. So naturally, some will excel quickly and others will go slowly. It could be less frustrating to just stop practicing and forget all about it. But, there you're at 0% chance of enlightenment. Even if we're the most unteachable dummies, if we're trying, we're not at 0% for sure, and knowing you have even a 10% chance to succeed is slightly motivating.
-Standard disclaimers about the various nanas and how they can make you feel, how they can make you doubt (3rd vipassana jhana in particular), how they can color your experience and cause particular thoughts to come about. Then, standard disclaimers about how it all passes.
-Standard disclaimers such as: just keep noting and going, it is all grist for the mill.
-Track record of others who have succeeded. I think the whole contemplation on the triple gem of Buddha, Dharma, Sangha, is really about confidence... The Buddha succeeded, the Dharma is the way that it happened, and the Sangha of Noble Ones, our buddies here talking about fruitions and great results, are the living testaments that what seems impossible is possible
-Equanimity: easy to get stuck and frustrated here in my experience, since there is a feeling that there isn't much going on, that there's nothing to do, that you're not meditating anymore, that everything is ordinary. But as we know, it's the last nana before path and fruition, so keep on trekking.
-Keep on trekking! Possibly the least useful, but from a meditator to meditator, I'm just saying, it is definitely hard work, but we know there's a pot of gold at the end of the trail, and I'm genuinely hoping we get there, and kindly reminding you as I often have to remind myself: keep on trekking!
-Standard disclaimer on the 3C's: maybe your feelings now are resulting from increasingly seeing how everything is dukkha, how there isn't anything we can hold on to for satisfaction, including all of the transient things that can result from meditation such as peace, joy, metta, all that stuff. Although it seems there are "permanent" changes after stream entry... but of course getting there is the hard part. Also, I've noticed that no-self and suffering play with each other in meditation and off the cushion. It can dawn on me that I don't leave the cushion with anything new, and that experience is still experience, the same causes lead to the same effects. That can definitely give you a trapped feeling, like no progress is possible, but it could be that the cause of this feeling is progress itself.
-Patience and acceptance: they seem very crucial to practice and progress, and the very act of striving to accomplish path or whatever can try our patience and acceptance. Looking into the factors of enlightenment and applying the standard technique of looking for hindrances and applying their opposite could be useful.
-As others have told me, exercise and grounding in daily life is very helpful. Exercise feels good and can definitely help in de-stressing and feeling more human and comfortable. But I seem to remember you are into weight-lifting, so, sweet!
-Blind spots: when we have strong feelings, such as discouragement or whatever, they often blind us from applying technique. We get discouraged and feel like it's not worth applying the effort, and then the slackness hinders practice, and then we're more discouraged, etc... or we have so much energy from the A&P that we forget to balance concentration with investigation and then end up losing our mindfulness. Or we hit equanimity, and feel like there's nothing more to do, so we get complacent, or worse, frustrated, breaking the equanimity in some way or another.
-Standard, boring disclaimer: that all things, even the thoughts and feelings you mention, should be accepted, regarded as more stuff to be mindful of, although sometimes we still feel like mindfulness is not enough
-Work in concentration: I do admire how effective balls-to-the-walls, shoot-em-down noting is, however, I think concentration and all the various jhanic factors are a bit more important to develop than is generally said. I've found lately that if I begin with concentration practices, my experiences are much more intense and visceral, similar to using a much more powerful objective lens. Sure, you just need to be able to look into the microscope and say, ah, this organism is actually all these little things. But you might be straining far too hard with your eye when taking the time to craft a better, more powerful lens may be useful.
I don't know much about your practice so some of this might be completely useless to you. But I hope some of it is useful. My message is basically, dude, I totally feel your post, and I'm here alongside you, trying to get this thing done. If you ever want to skype about practice or whatever it may be, I'm totally down. It would keep me motivated to stay consistent in practice and could offer an opportunity for an outside perspective on meditation problems or whatever comes up.
With respect and sympathy, Kellen |