| | Dear All,
I recently returned from an 11 week retreat at Vajraloka, in North Wales. This is a meditation centre of the Triratna Community (formerly Friends of the Western Buddhist Order). As can be imagined plenty of experiences arose, some clear as a bell, others less so, and I would greatly appreciate any advice people can give. In brief, I’m certain I experienced Fruition and Review but so much arose around this time, with a ‘veil’ falling with regard to past events, that I’m pretty confused about where I might be in terms of Daniel’s four stage model. The following account is very long (and I’ve tried to make it as short as possible ) but if a few folk could read it though and give their opinion, I would be very, very grateful.
By way of background, I have been meditating for 18 years with the Triratna Community, having a firm foundation in Mindfulness of Breathing and Metta Bhavana practice. Over the years, I have attended about 25 meditation retreats (usually between 1 – 2 weeks) as well as other ‘Sangha’ retreats where the emphasis is more on Dharma study. I have also practiced in Sri Lanka (under Godwin Samararatna’s guidance at Nilambe) as well as a few retreats in Nepal. After discovering MCTB in 2010 and almost crying with relief, I wrote an account on DhO about experiences on a one month retreat in July 2000 (found at: http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/1334317). At the time, the feedback was split with one person advising I had crossed the A&P Event and another that it was First Path. Either way, after reading MCTB I felt freshly inspired to push on and, after recovering from illness in 2011, started putting plans in place for a longer retreat in spring 2013.
The 11 week retreat I have just returned from was actually made up of five separate retreats with a few gaps in between. The first two where at the retreat centre (with others in silence), then I spent two weeks in a solitary cabin, returning to the retreat centre for a further two retreats. Unlike many retreats in the Mahasi tradition, Triratna meditation retreats are more open with a less constant sit/ walk/ sit/ walk/ sit structure. However, if one so chooses one can use the shrine room as much as required and walk whenever one feels like it.
First Retreat
Anyway, at the start of this year I decided to ramp up my noting practice and sat for 1 – 2 hours a day until it was time to leave for the retreat in mid-April. I arrived in good spirits and immediately settled into the retreat, using noting as much as I could on and off the cushion. Rather than feeling like a straight-jacket, the noting helped me harness energy. Coupling this with some Metta Bhavana sits in the morning sessions I soon felt natural strong mindfulness arise. By day four/five I felt I could dispense with constant noting and only returned to it as an ‘aide memoir’ when I got lost in occasional distraction. Rather than stick to prose, I’ll bullet some standout experiences in the first retreat:
1. One teacher encouraged us to ‘breathe into’ areas of tension or felt-sense in the body. Working this way, I would often watch the body feelings dissolve, melt and shift away, with a sense of my awareness dropping lower and lower as I continued. Finally, I was in slow free-fall with my awareness falling all the way to the bottom of the ocean floor….bummmppph. The experience was remarkably still and quiet. So still. So quiet. Finally, there was a small eruption from the ocean floor and a few bubbles/ vibrations appeared to arise. Tracing them ‘back to the surface’ I watched in wonder as they garnered a cloak of feeling or thought and turned into something recognisable. It was though I could watch individual frames arising. After the bell went and I finally stood up to have supper, I felt almost drugged and very slow. My sense is that this was an A&P experience (p207 MCTB ). It happened a few times over the next day or so.
2. One night in bed I found it very hard to sleep with energy ‘blocks’ chunking through my body. Energy flashes (behind closed eyes) and higher vibratory tinnitus finally gave way to a lower pulsing sound as it seemed I entered the Dukkha nanas.
3. On this retreat I seemed to move quickly through the early DN (using plenty of Metta Bhavana and watching the breath) but then had the weirdest experience: one evening we had a Puja and I just couldn’t believe how apathetic everyone seemed. It was though no one could be arsed with the ritual, as though it was bland and pointless. Almost laughable. In bed later, I wondered if was a hallucinogenic experience. Either way, there was no-way of mistaking what came next as during the night I slipped into Re-observation.
4. Strange to say, with strong Metta Bhavana practice I gently left Re-observation and moved into a more open and inclusive space (with back-ache and sitting-bone pains dissolving away). My sense was that I had reached Equanimity.
At this point, the retreat came to an end. However, as I was staying on I continued practicing and managed to sit and walk for 6 hours a day over the next week. This was a mixed experience. At first I felt strong tiredness and apathy to sitting but had been warned about this, so pushed on. In time, I could just sit down, watch the breath for a while and then open to effortless space. Around here I started to experience what I thought where ‘clunky’ formations: my senses starting to swirl and align around the third eye in my forehead. However, before everything could align my heart rate would rocket in anticipation and the energy would dissipate away. This occurred a number of times and however hard I tried to deepen my sitting I couldn’t seem to get much further and my sense was that I was stuck in low Equanimity, unsure about how to proceed.
Shen Therapy and Second Retreat
One friend who lived at the retreat centre was training to become a Shen practitioner and offered to give me 10 sessions. Seeing as the ‘Universe had given me’ this opportunity I gladly accepted. Thinking it might also help me get passed the block discussed above. From the Shen website, the process works like this: “Using the biofield qi (ch'i) from our hands, we first loosen the contractions trapping the painful emotions deep inside the body, then we reposition our hands to lift the emotions to the surface where they can dissipate. This process is repeated as necessary and sets the stage for a sound, positive emotional shift.” Over the next few days I had a few sessions and felt deeper energies shifting. Eventually these erupted and I was swamped by panic attacks again and again during the second retreat. Whilst incredibly painful and scary (WTF is going on) I sat through them using more formless meditation (holding experience in kindly awareness) and plenty of Metta Bhavana practice. By the end of the second retreat the panic no longer had such a hold on me and I felt a barrier had been passed.
Solitary Retreat
After a few days taking it easier it was time for my two weeks in the solitary cabin up the road from the retreat centre. This is where so much happened and I will try and write as precisely as possible. Having being inspired by Tarin’s “Reformed Slackers Guide to SE” I had planned to ramp my noting practice back up to full. If I’m honest, I managed to walk/ sit for about 8-10 hours each day for the first week, which felt quite a stretch after 5 weeks of almost constant practice. However, it seemed enough to get things moving:
1. What was amazing was the volume of tinnitus in my ears. By day three this was at record levels (like after a really loud gig) and had I not been forewarned by Daniel in MCTB (saying perceptual thresholds can change), I would have been really spooked. Once again, my tinnitus appeared to change pitch and frequency depending where I was on the Progress of Insight. Entrance to DN would be heralded by a drop in frequency and a drum like beat in my left ear, then as I moved along DN these discordant/ dissonant chords would ring at higher and even louder frequencies in both ears that was truly ugly. Finally, as I entered Equanimity the pitch appeared to increase but soften into harmonics as the tinnitus would finally quieten down.
2. So, by day three I went to bed thinking, “Great, back into Equanimity. Now let’s knock the bugger off and get this thing done!” Oh how I now laugh! The next four days were simply wretched. Each time I climbed into bed in Equanimity only for tinnitus to return and slide back from harmonics, into discordant mess and finally the low/ slow drumbeat of early DN. I awoke in the middle of each night feeling truly awful. WTF was going on?! Reading Daniel’s section on Re-observation helped me bare much of the ‘fundamental suffering’ but by day seven I felt at my wits end. Day after day of noting practice, pushing through the DN only to slide back at night. I finally lay exhausted on the floor of the cabin thinking “I can’t go on anymore, if I push harder I’m going to have an aneurysm in my brain.” IT WAS BLEAK.
3. Whilst I’d promised myself I would note all through the solitary retreat I knew in my heart I had to change tack. In MCTB Daniel does say that once in Equanimity effort needs to be balanced by acceptance. Also, Tarin makes it clear that at this point, we’re effectively alone and need to work things out for ourselves… OK, I decided, I’m switching to pure formless sitting with no noting. Time to have a Puja by way of marking the change… finally something shifted… something gave and I felt purifying water pouring through my body. I had a strong sense of Vajrasattva above me pouring the water from a vessel as I slowly relaxed. Finally, I realised, I had to go through the last four days to clear out the unskilful desires I held for Enlightenment.
4. How wondrous to sit the next day in open space! Effortless panorama opened up as I started to see that the wind in the trees, the sheep bleating, my feelings and thoughts were all the same – just sense arising in awareness as passing away again. The centre point felt like it was started to loosen up.
5. On about day 9 I decided to read one excerpt from the LU Gateless Gatecrashers book and one poem by Sangharakshita (the founder of the Triratna order). The poem was one of the most beautiful things I have read and concludes with White Tara telling the mantra of Great Compassion on her ‘crystal rosary of the tears of men’. At this point my heart cracked open and I bit my index finger not to cry. Finally, I read one LU transcript in the GG book and the truth of not-self opened up. I believe I entered high Equanimity at this point. All I could do was go for a walk. No longer was I walking down the road but in fact I was stationary on a treadmill with ‘my’ karma presenting itself to me. I had penetrating insight into conditioned co-production and the three marks – so clear, so obvious and so utterly profound. For the next couple of days where I could effortlessly sit in 4th vipassana jhana with the most panoramic awareness ever.
6. The next few days were odd because I was as ‘keen as mustard’ to experience Fruition but unsure about how it would present. Once again, it seemed all six sense would start to align with strange pulses and shifts in my body. This would steadily become more clear as ‘something’ was about to happen and then… at the last moment part of me would jump back into a dualistic position to try and ‘watch’ Fruition. Damn! Try again (by harnessing the energy of the defilement). Of course, I never ‘saw’ a winking out. But there was definitely ‘blibs’ at the end of each attempt to land path.
7. On day 11 I went to bed after a day of sitting. What was strange was that I felt quite scared, as though I was going to go mad. However, I just held the feeling for twenty minutes or so in kindly awareness and let it shift on. Next I fell into a kind of dream… on opening my eyes I saw an image of a window… next the image and everything with it seemed to fall away and rotate downwards with the creepiest sound (like Chewbacca falling down a plug hole)… something might have returned to ‘this’ side and then I remember no more. A short while later I thought I was awake and started rooting around in a cupboard for something I knew wasn’t there – like I was checking it was no longer there. Next I awoke with a great sense of peace in my body.
8. Day 12 was odd. Hand on my heart I wasn’t sure if I had truly experienced Fruition (through the suffering door with emptiness also present) so I carried on sitting and experienced endless ‘near-misses’. However, as I still thought that I should experience a complete ‘winking’ out of awareness I couldn’t tell if I was cycling or not. However, once back at the retreat centre and on the next retreat it was clear that I was.
Fourth Retreat
Repeatedly I would feel a deep shift in my body, a strange ‘beooww’ noise and then drop into DN (with a matching drop in my tinnitus frequency). This was a ragged experience, which I had no control of. It felt a bit like ‘Toad of Toad Hall’ out in his new sport scar, careering down a steep slope only to smash into a tree. Then, my energy would lift and tinnitus clear as I soared into Equanimity. Formations would make the room or view ‘judder’ before my eyes before ‘blib’ and the rest button was hit (as Daniel says in MCTB ). This happened again and again and again.
Other times, I would feel my whole consciousness shoot out of my head, which was terrifying the first time because I didn’t know where the hell I was or even who I was. In time, I learnt to enjoy this weird experience!
Also, around this time I kept revisiting my own history (memories) and would watch with fascination as the past was being re-written before my eyes. In many ways I had no say in this process and would often just stand in the garden, staring at a flower as the dance unfolded.
My Shen sessions continued, with the most amazing energy shifts and unlocking of ‘body armour’. Half way through the 4th retreat this led to the most painful ache in my chest region. One day I decided to just sit and hold this ache… slowly and slowly it fell gathering into my abdomen… slowly a phrase came to mind:
“The timeless ache of separation caused by the illusion of duality in all sentient beings”
It was quite unbearable but I was determined to hold on and hold it… suddenly the doors of the Mahayana opened to reveal the Bodhisattva Ideal – it was both beautiful and terrifying. However, I quickly realised that in essence, there is no Hinayana, no Mahayana and no Vajrayana, just the Buddha-way, which insight into the three marks will always lead to.
Fifth Retreat
In many ways, this is where my story of the 11 week retreat ends and to this day the ‘timeless ache’ hasn’t really left me. When the final retreat started my back gave out and I experienced painful sciatica that kept me off the stool. In many ways, I felt this was OK because it gave me a chance to reflect on all that had happened as well as write up my dairy. As my mindfulness decreased, my sense of cycling fell away and I can no longer clearly say if I am cycling or not.
Conclusion and Questions
First of all, many apologies for this long account. I hope some have made it this far and can help with my question:
1. My sense is that I have experienced Fruition and completed a Path of Insight. Is this true?
However, things feel very complicated because many of the things that happened during and after the solitary retreat where already known to me. What I mean is that the fear of madness before the night off day 11, the profound sense of peace afterwards on waking the next day, penetrating insight into the Dharma and a change in my own personal history all occurred 13 years ago in July 2000. However, without MCTB (or even a scratchy tape of a Burmese monk explaining the Progress of Insight) I had no idea what was happening. Back then, I became swamped in my own ‘stuff’ that bubbled up during the DN so that when re-telling the experience I concentrated on the fact that I had a massive cathartic release. However, I can also remember the most profound sense of gratitude, feeling that I had discovered that which I knew was lost, feeling the ‘writing had always been on the wall’ and that I was finally back home. I even remember thinking I had ‘done what was needed to be done’ as the retreat came to an end.
After a few blissful months in the summer of 2000 this all passed. However, what I can is that life was so much better and I was no longer caught up in or at the whim of painful angst ridden mind states that characterised much of my 20s (when I believe I was a DN yogi). So, next question:
2. Might I have landed First Path in July 2000? If so, what Path was this?
I hope someone will be able to help and please, if you do, feel free to ask more questions. Whilst this account is long, I have missed much out to try and keep it clear (and not too boring)!
Thanks very much,
Nick |