| | Hi, I havent posted here in quite a while.
Basically after 2 and bit years of this journey I seem to have reached a point of "anything goes". Things started to go very badly at the beginning of January when some personal stuff seemed to trigger some very deep dark pain. As the months went on I seemed to flip very strongly back and forth from deep happiness and peace to the depression and anxiety, sometimes this was aided by external situations, sometimes not.
Around March I began to feel that things were getting really really bad, I sort of gave up faith in this process and its practice because I saw that I was using it as some sort escape and decided to see a therapist for anxiety and depression, while he was quite helpful in getting me back to a reasonable stable level he still didnt actually help me become happy.
Anyway, during the period from around January to April/May things were fairly rough, I never felt enough, I rarely felt happy, I felt unloved with fairly low self esteem and held onto those good moments like gold. This of course was turbulent and wasnt ALWAYS the case, i.e. I was still living like a normal person.
Funnily enough, during all this I felt like I was having plenty of philosophical insights, and deep feelings of oneness etc etc, but none of it mattered, I was still unhappy.
Even though I knew intellectually why it was happening to me I still rarely found any sort of equinimity or stable peace.
But finally around the beginning the May, I began to surrender with conscious effort. Someone else online thought me that the very things that were causing me to not feel enough were the very things I have to face being/living with for the rest of my life, and thought me how to practice sitting with that. I also begin to practice better mindfulness and breathing.
She pretty much thought me that there is absolutely no way out of my shit, no amount of enlightenment or practice or external events will help me get away from my shit, that its here, its inevitable and it could very well happen to me for the rest of my life.
This was obviously a huge blow to my ego , and sucked alot of hope out of me, but it felt right.
So now? I get jealous, thats ok, i get anxious , thats ok, I feel a pit of loneliness? thats ok, I get angry , thats ok, low self esteem? thats ok, basically a neverending stream of self forgiveness etc, where these things dont feel "wrong" anymore, and most importantly dont cause suffering.
And now for the past few months I am truly getting to a point where everything is ok. Where I know longer have sort of a path to pursue to end my "stuff", where this isnt going in a direction anymore, where things that I regarded as unenlightened or negative, or lack of progress are now totally ok, very very clean stable , lasting and high quality equanimity.
I find as a result of this, this is leaving all the headspace again to enjoy all the other experiences and feelings that come with the path, but always conscious of them not being any reflection on "where Im at" in terms of any personal issues whatsoever, i.e theyre not an escape.
Basically, an even deeper acceptance that enlightenemt DOES NOT SOLVE ANY OF MY STUFF.
I also seem to be beginning to love myself unconditionally, im not disappointed if I have a day of bliss, and then suddenly Im really anxious about something. I dont feel that Im leaving one positive state and going into another negative one. At least for the most part anyway, this isnt 100% either. Im still messing up a times, but now Im even seeing thats ok, Im still resisting at times and sometimes thoughts grow where I believe there is something fundamentally wrong with my life and suffering begins to grow, but Ive even stopped resisting THAT thought process, so even those periods which are fewer and further between and beginning to feel very ok.
Not really sure if Im asking or anything, but Id love to get an opinion from some of the more experienced guys here on how this lines up with your practice.
For people that dont know me, I had a big awakening from direct pointing 2 and bit years ago where I saw there was no self, which started this whole thing off from me, also the whole self question seems totally irrelivant for me right now.
The interesting thing is Ive been reading some of my practice posts, and noticed how I rated my progress by the amounf of fear or pain I was experiencing, but now that seems irrelevant, I was already fine. |