I wish someone would have told me about useful concepts like access concentration back at the monastery. I might have actually made some real progress instead of being an emotional wreck half the time.
Yea... sometimes I wish I didn't know all the maps and stuff like that and instead was just interacting with a teacher and following instructions. Benefits and drawbacks on both sides. In any case you probably learned some things during that period, and you probably learned from your depressive episode as well, I mean, look where these things have got you... to a pretty good place. You are willing to do anything to figure out and move beyond your depression, as am I. Good luck to both of us i guess :}
So, I've been meditating like crazy for the past week. At least for me. At least two hours a day. Sometimes a lot more. One time I stayed up all night to get another six hours or so in.
Can this be sustained? Don't get down on yourself if your determination flags.
I keep feeling like I'm on the brink of hitting the first jhana, but I keep grasping for it as soon as the piti starts ramping up, and so of course I drop out of it. I've followed alternate instructions that go more like this: 1) Get access concentration, 2) Begin very gentle progressive relaxation exercises, 3) Jhana?
This very instruction has worked for me in the past. As has straight up concentrating on my breath without trying to do anything else. As has paying attention to the breath then focusing attention on the pleasant feelings that arise. I would work with the method you mentioned above as for me that was the clearest and easiest.
During the day, I've been trying out noting. For a while I was doing the rapid-fire noting, but I'm settling into picking a sense (usually sound), and noting 1-2 times a second. And sometimes I try and relax into a more general mindfulness.
sounds good
In short, I feel like I'm just getting started on a real set of practices that might actually lead to insights in a reasonable timeframe. I'm hoping to understand the map more concretely soon; this level of detail is thrilling but completely alien to me.
Being thrilled and hopeful is a way that will lead to being afraid and in despair. This sounds very dark and possibly even like intentional discouraging... but you have to learn to be equally cautious about entering into hope as into despair, equally cautious about entering into excitement as into fear etc. This understanding, the understanding to not to attach to either 'good moods' or 'bad moods' is more important than jhanas and maps. So keep practicing, you can keep working at attaining jhana, but more than anything else work to stay in the present rather than being hopeful, excited, afraid, depressed. When neither depression nor hope have meaning to you then you can really start moving beyond depression. Likewise when you see no ultimate meaning in fear and excitement you will be able to move beyond fear.