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RE: Richard's insight practice

RE: Richard's insight practice
Answer
8/15/13 12:32 PM as a reply to Richard Zen.
Richard Zen:
Yes I'm having fun. Yesterday I just felt so much energy from the relief and it's like being an energized kid with a seize the day energy. Super mentally healthy. Going jogging like this is like Julie Andrews running around on the Alps (without the flailing)emoticon.




HI Richard,

I've been lurking around here for quite some time, and I've been regularly checking in on your practice thread because I find it so inspiring.

Reading things like the statement above really affirms the results of a dedicated practice, and I congratulate you on finding so many moments of relief!

Best Wishes,

-Tina

RE: Richard's insight practice
Answer
8/15/13 10:06 PM as a reply to Tina A.
Tina A:
Richard Zen:
Yes I'm having fun. Yesterday I just felt so much energy from the relief and it's like being an energized kid with a seize the day energy. Super mentally healthy. Going jogging like this is like Julie Andrews running around on the Alps (without the flailing)emoticon.


HI Richard,

I've been lurking around here for quite some time, and I've been regularly checking in on your practice thread because I find it so inspiring.

Reading things like the statement above really affirms the results of a dedicated practice, and I congratulate you on finding so many moments of relief!

Best Wishes,

-Tina


Welcome lurker! I started meditation in 2007 so it's been a while but it was important that I didn't give up. I recommend breaks from the practice if it interferes with life too much. I also advocate more practice during normal life than just a sitting practice. I used to sit and get the 1st two jhanas and the results would fade after I got up off the cushion. Practice threads are also a good reminder to keep practicing. emoticon

Hope your practice is going well.

RE: Richard's insight practice
Answer
8/21/13 6:59 PM as a reply to Richard Zen.
First attempt at Forgiveness meditation. It was awkward at the beginning precisely because of all the mindfulness I've been doing but I continued by not trying to bat away thoughts with it. Eventually the things I had to forgive myself for were rapid fire. I was a mess of tears by the end. I reached probably just the first jhana with it and no more. Much of this practice reminded me of the Focusing technique by Gendlin. By accepting what's imperfect in myself it's like the ego's concerns are acknowledged and deep held feelings of loneliness and disappointment with not achieving certain goals came to the forefront.

Interestingly I had a good sleep and the next day had less anger. Of course I'll have to keep on doing this to get deeper.

RE: Richard's insight practice
Answer
8/24/13 1:05 PM as a reply to Richard Zen.
At work I got back to that same great feeling again by staying with the body and observing how thoughts affect it. After reading some more of the book The Island the direct path description created a reminder of the goal which is helpful.

...he no longer clings to sensual pleasures, no longer clings to views, longer clings to rules and observances, no longer clings to a doctrine of self. When he does not cling, he is not agitated. When he is not agitated, he personally attains Nibbæna. ~ M 11.17 (Bhikkhu Ñæ¼amoli & Bhikkhu Bodhi trans.)


So basically the ideal is, don't be addicted to anything, including the practice and including this website emoticon. To keep the relief going I often will ask myself "is there addiction here? Is there fixation here?" If I know there's another priority that needs to be done I can just drop the addictive thought or mental volition and drop the activity as well and get on with the priority. This of course dovetails with Thanissaro Bhikkhu's advice in Cutting new paths in the mind:

Cutting new paths in the mind
Thanks Fivebells!



I'm not sure if Thanissaro Bhikkhu is channeling "The Power of Habit" by creating cues when the craving is arising and having as a reward the relief of letting go, but I think that practice can be too compartmentalized so we still do the same habits over and over again. Unless we bring it to daily life and include in that daily life new activities based on our intended values not enough changes occur. We have to wait long enough for the craving to naturally subside and then do the new activity.

RE: Richard's insight practice
Answer
8/28/13 8:01 PM as a reply to Richard Zen.
I'm currently working on my practice by making it more subtle. Acting without constant self-analysis is the goal. I find that conditioning and habits are based on prior likes and dislikes and it's possible to learn from past forgetting to intentionally forget useless habits.

EDIT: It's a paradoxical situation as detailed by Heidegger:

Non-willing still signifies on the one hand, a willing, in that a No prevails in it, even if it is in a sense of a No that directs itself at willing itself and renounces it. Non-willing in this sense means: to wilfully renounce willing. And then, on the other hand, the expression non-willing also means: that which does not at all pertain to the will.


For example if I play tennis only during warm periods my skills atrophy during winter and I feel like I'm starting over by the next summer. Similarly if I keep avoiding the repression of thoughts over likes and dislikes that are unskillful and rumination over those same likes and dislikes those habits will naturally atrophy much like other conditioning going away from the lack of use. On the same coin we like to talk about conditioned things not worth clinging to but we need conditioning to learn skills so naturally if there are skills I should condition more then I should do so. (Eg. Metta, learning, cooking, whatever)

For dealing with getting things done and doing more I'm using the Pomodoro Technique at home and it's like a night and day difference. Creating goals at home gives you the same attitude adjustment as going to work so home feels more purposeful. Before going to bed there's a nice feeling of having crossed off some things that needed to be done (healthy dopamine). For an INFP MBTI type it's something I should have done years ago. But as usual you do things when you're less ignorant. Also for my type I tend to like things that need to be done on a desk in front of me so I can see it. Out of sight, out of mind. I also prefer the Pomodoro Technique over the Allen's "Getting things done" in that it's less complicated and when coupled with mindfulness I can enjoy the present moment in my body inbetween tasks so I just move from one to another. I could see a future where I could do this without the Pomodoro Technique. Though it might still be good to keep it going precisely because it will give information on what I'm spending my time on and making plans will have better time estimates.

I'm also mining my music collection and finding negative stuff in there to donate (sorry Mr. Bipolar Thom Yorke, and Eternally Disatisfied Trent Reznor). The precious happy moments are rare and if the habits become more happy that shouldn't be taken for granted. Why do I want songs like Closer and How to disappear completely running as earworms in my head at home or at work?

RE: Richard's insight practice
Answer
9/6/13 7:00 PM as a reply to Richard Zen.
At work today I was just tuning into consciousness. For a brief few minutes it felt like consciousness was being assaulted by experience but that went away. It's easier to see more detail of intentions and striving. I get a sense that I could rest there as long as thoughts aren't pretending to be consciousness.

RE: Richard's insight practice
Answer
9/7/13 2:01 AM as a reply to Richard Zen.
The consciousness just knows. When you're sad it just knows that. When you're happy etc. I just got back from a sad movie and got a little emotional thinking of all the people with shattered dreams and ruined lives. The sadness was great and tears could not be held back but the consciousness just knows that. I feel like I'm just letting the emotions be as they are. Sure the thoughts are like a hammy actor trying to steal the limelight. The thoughts sometimes look at the knowing mind as a warm caring watcher and at other times as cold and indifferent but it's just more thoughts. The knowing literally just knows and can't be stained or altered (unless your head is injured). If you're embarrassed or awkward it also just knows that too. The fear that this practice will eliminate emotions is gone. Emotions just don't hurt. Trying to repress or ruminate is what causes mental pain.

I can also see how noting could be used up until this point because if done properly it can remind the brain that even rough emotions are seen.

RE: Richard's insight practice
Answer
9/7/13 11:12 AM as a reply to Richard Zen.
Now that I'm spending less time meditating I'm going to go over my hard habits that haven't been affected enough by meditation. I'm currently reading:

Schema Therapy

And in dealing with others I'll read next:

You being more effective in your MBTI type

I'll probably still be using the Pomodoro Technique because of how used to it I am and I'll be changing my reports now to more functional reports on how my habits are changing and how more in control of my life I'm getting which is the ultimate gold standard. As usual the consciousness will be impassively watching regardless of the outcome and any analysis will not be attributed to it but attributed to thoughts. Clinging or fixating on results is bad but just as bad is not taking action where it makes sense and is reasonable to do so.

RE: Richard's insight practice
Answer
9/8/13 1:06 PM as a reply to Richard Zen.
Note: MBTI and Schemas are just mental wiring that is long lasting. I don't view it as a self.

I'm tuning into consciousness regularly but there are still habit formations that need to be dealt with by doing differently despite rigid schemas that might takeover. The typical schemas are Abandonment/Instability, Mistrust/Abuse, Emotional Deprivation, Defectiveness/Shame, Social Isolation/Alienation, Dependence/Incompetence, Vulnerability to harm or illness, Enmeshment/Undeveloped self, Failure, Entitlement/Grandiosity, Insufficient Self-Control/Self-Discipline). Failure is the biggest schema I have to deal with, though I'm sure that everyone has a little bit of everything one time or another in their lives. The difficulty is that in the past I would equate Failure = Performance = Self-worth. The correct way I should be thinking is Failure = Performance and no more. There are also other beliefs that I don't believe in but still animate me from habit. That is the fear of success. I've always hated the envy of others and found it so bothersome whenever I succeeded at anything. Even just simply walking home with a pizza box from a restaurant is enough to have some people comment "Oh! Is that pizza? MMMMM" in an addictive almost hostile way, and that used to drive me up the wall. Now other people's envy doesn't bother me as much but the past botherings created a habit of avoidance because I don't want to have to deal with the consequences of showing pleasure/enjoyment/happiness in front of others. I don't want to deal with romantic relationships that will tend in the addictiveness -> envy -> hostility direction either. Yet in order to function properly and not be isolated I have to stoically face these weird, confused, and possibly dangerous people.

I know I haven't achieved stream-entry in the classical sense of fading senses up to the 8th jhana and letting go effort in a Shikantaza mode and losing the consciousness aggregate briefly. I do know that consciousness is impermanent so there are no beliefs that thoughts can glom onto as being "consciousness". I feel there is no self in my entire experience precisely because consciousness just KNOWS (with zero personality characteristics) and that's there all the time when I'm awake. Again I have to make it clear. People should just look at an object to register that the object is being known right now to really see what a mental note should be. This knowing can note anything that hits consciousness and doesn't require verbal word noting which could turn into a disassociated meditator thought concept that is fixated over objects (which means stress). You could be in an embarrassing situation and the consciousness passively knows this. It's the thoughts that create the commentary which will make you feel good or bad depending on whether you like or dislike the thought.

This morning I just laid in bed tuning to what consciousness knows which to me IS meditation and can be done all day. The thoughts rush at you and like Daniel says as they pretend in a child like way to be all the things that consciousness perceives. It's even a little dreamlike and bullshit in the way it does it. In my mind (much like a visual movie projection on a screen of consciousness/knowing) I briefly saw a waiter stare at me in dramatic seriousness in some outdoor bistro environment and say "you need to go do that!". My brain just laughed thinking "what the fuck is that shit?" So one thought formation was able to laugh at another one. The second thought that was laughing was also known to consciousness and even though it seemed to have a gravitas of a self more than the dream like apparition it was still known nonetheless. That gravitas is starting to remind me of what Nick talks about in terms of emotional "weight". That's why tuning into consciousness with as much continuity as possible is so important and an entire day of being with what is known while getting on with your life will do more than small sits each day.

It's true that the mind goes off in thoughts sometimes for an extended period but that's okay. It's the old comfortable habits that cause the problem and that can rear their heads even if you've meditated a lot and have many moments of peace. In order to change behaviours after the stress is gone requires more action to create new wiring to develop useful skills which will be needed no matter how unaddicted a person can get.

Failure Schema:

Behavioural pattern-breaking is the longest, and in some ways, the most crucial part of schema therapy. Without it, relapse is likely. Even if patients have insight into their Early maladaptive Schemas, and even if they have done the cognitive and experiential work, their schemas will reassert themselves if patients do not change their behavioural patterns.


Patients set goals, set graded tasks to meet them, and then carry out the tasks as homework assignments. The therapist helps patients overcome blocks to completing the homework. If it is a skills problem, the therapist helps the patient develop skills. If it is an aptitude problem, the therapist helps the patient switch to more appropriate work. If it is an anxiety problem, the therapist teaches the patient anxiety management. If it is a problem with self-discipline, the therapist helps the patient create a structure to overcome procrastination and to build discipline.


Goals:

The central goal of treatment is to help patients feel and become as successful as their peers (within the limits of their abilities and talents). This usually involves one of three scenarios. The first is increasing their level of success by building skills and confidence.


Strategies:

If patients actually have failed relative to peers, then the most important cognitive strategy is to challenge the view that they are inherently inept and to reattribute their failure to schema perpetuation. These patients have not failed because they are inherently inept, but rather because they have inadvertently acted to defeat their attempts to succeed.


Experiential techniques can be helpful in preparing patients to undertake behavioral change. In imagery, patients relive failure experiences from the past and express anger at the people who discouraged them, or mocked and devalued them for failing. Often, the person was a parent, older sibling, or teacher. Doing this helps patients reattribute the failure to the other person’s criticalness rather than to their own lack of ability.


Experiential techniques help the patient identify this theme and relate to it emotionally. Getting angry with the Undermining Parent helps the patient understand that this was an unhealthy message, and one that the patient need no longer believe. Healthy parents do not punish their children for succeeding. Getting angry can help patients fight the view that people will reject them if they are too successful.


The behavioral part of the treatment is usually the most important. No matter how much progress patients make in the other areas, if they do not stop their maladaptive coping behaviors, they are going to keep reinforcing the schema. The therapist helps patients replace behaviors that surrender to, avoid, or overcompensate for the schema, with more adaptive behaviors. Patients set goals, set graded tasks to meet them, and then carry out the tasks as homework assignments. The therapist helps patients overcome blocks to completing the homework. If it is a skills problem, the therapist helps the patient develop skills. If it is an aptitude problem, the therapist helps the patient switch to more appropriate work. If it is an anxiety problem, the therapist teaches the patient anxiety management. If it is a problem with self-discipline, the therapist helps the patient create a structure to overcome procrastination and to build discipline.


The basic idea is that between the impulse and the action, patients must learn to insert thought. They must learn to think through the consequences of giving in to the impulse before acting it out.

RE: Richard's insight practice
Answer
9/9/13 11:09 PM as a reply to Richard Zen.
Just continuing with any noting of what's hitting consciousness while at work. I just added Nick's advice on familiarity and it definitely did something. As I reinforced the mindfulness every time some familiar ANYTHING appeared in my thoughts the energy built up bit by bit until it was so explosive and feeling slightly dangerous that I thought my head would explode. The happy feelings were so intense and massive like a volcano of happy electricity shooting out of my head it was like one part of my brain (the conceptual part?) had trouble believing what was happening and wanted to continue with the same flat tone/mood/equanimity and it was nudged from that and acquiesced to the energy. The fabrications did subside somewhat (except for the new Arcade Fire song grooving in the background) and after an hour the energy started to subside further. I felt normal but like some wiring changed a little and the extra energy was too much to control with concentration. My speed at work recovered when I calmed down. There was too much restlessness. My feet were tapping like I had 5 cups of coffee most of the morning. I continued this practice all day feeling quite happy for no reason other than mindfulness and only now my brain is tired. My familiarity habits returned slightly at the end of the day but hopefully as I keep at it I'll get relief for longer and push them out further. It's really important to note slower (without labels) and really taste the reality hitting consciousness. I guess brain staleness is the target now after this experience. It was like a happy FUCK YOU! from one side of the brain to the other (amygdala? Not sure)

RE: Richard's insight practice
Answer
9/10/13 6:54 PM as a reply to Richard Zen.
It's disconcerting that when the brain sends out negative thoughts and you can really feel how it will effect your ability to make choices in a very dangerous way. Just one negative thought is enough to make you give up or go into a mood. It's almost like an animal is sabatoging your brain. My brain is in normal energy territory today but I get the elation back by noting longer notes and really tasting the experience in my body fully. Staccato notes is not consistent enough. Adding warnings that there's too much familiarity creates a reminder to continue with the mindfulness. It's very hard at times when doing conceptual work.

RE: Richard's insight practice
Answer
9/12/13 8:00 PM as a reply to Richard Zen.
I was able to keep the noting throughout the day today but I got a little tired. The noting I was doing was very subtle and I was able to stick to it throughout a lot of boring work so the time did not drag. Seeing more things hit consciousness just keeps getting better. It becomes obvious when thoughts start appearing like a self when they link together into stories. I have to face my schemas so that my consciousness can see more and disembed from those habitual thoughts. When dealing with any schema those thoughts have enormous affect that if avoided you can get good at your practice but be fooled because you didn't test it in those rough conditions. With a failure schema the brain brings up all the people who got in your way or gave you ultra negative assessments in the form of mental visions and the brain tends to go off into replaying that at a faster rate when you face what will disprove the schema. It especially appears when there are problem solving situations that are difficult. The brain just wants to relieve these periods and then demotivate, when persistence is needed instead.

To start working on this schema I'll keep noting and seeing freshness while using the following memory book:

You can have an amazing memory

It helps deal with primary and recency forgetting which should make all my finance reading something that can be memorized to a certain extent that will be helpful. It'll also take a lot of stress out because my expectations of what I memorize will be realistic over the months necessary to get better.

RE: Richard's insight practice
Answer
9/15/13 10:03 PM as a reply to Richard Zen.
I did a meditation run today which really was just running and not much else. emoticon The only thing different I did was add some schema therapy (pros and cons of actions after affect naturally passes away) throughout the day and got some work done but while I was running I added some of Nick's advice on "why". Instead of watching equanimously things arise and pass away I would interrupt the thought stream with "why?" since many of the thought streams still had some affect even if it didn't bother me much, but it was refreshing to return to now instead of letting the mind go off willy nilly. There was a little pressure in the skull when this happened so I'm hoping this is deconditioning rambling thoughts instead of conditioning them. If it feels healthy and good I'll just keep doing it. Some of this reminds me of the AF flowchart Tarin did except it's laughably smaller and probably more efficient but ultimately the same thing.

RE: Richard's insight practice
Answer
9/17/13 11:50 PM as a reply to Richard Zen.
Today at work I got some more dark night symptoms of crabbiness but I was under control of it. I've seen it before and it's just aversion that is persistent. The asking of "why?" to disrupt repetitive thought habits has been helpful and I'm not asking the question verbally anymore since I can see the thought stream is onto something boring and repetitive and I just return to now to gain relief. It's really helping my insight disease in rehearsing dharma tactics endlessly. It's a reminder to prevent wandering and to enjoy presence. My concentration was quite good today. I'm not hitting as many ticks on my pomodoro technique sheet.

I know now that if I have a problem I'm having trouble solving, then that is precisely where the mind will lose it's composure more than any other time. The anger as usual is directed towards people who did not support me fully or were hostile on purpose to prevent my success. Per schema therapy it's okay to let that anger out but the relationship changes. It's more like I accept that these people treated me this way and that I'm right to be angry but there is no need to ask for redress or forgiveness on their part. I also have had lots of prior negative judgements from people and any closed door meetings in offices can trigger me to think another judgement is upon me. This time I understood what happened and realised that no matter how convincing (how reactive the amygdala was) I was still able to realise that there really was no danger. In the end there wasn't but now I'm not afraid of the reactivity since it's a survival instinct that can read facial expressions and situations for danger and that when it goes off inaccurately it's mainly because of bad past experiences. Self-compassion can now intercede. It means my emotions can be there and be released without a need to repress them or ruminate on them.

The thought formations are clearer than ever in my last sit. Ken's advice to not live a proxy life and Dan's advice that you cannot experience anything other than what is happening now is really getting me to understand the amygdala. Our daydreams are just proxy experiences because they trigger the "experience"/"amygdala" to react based on the thinking. So it's important to use the pre-frontal cortex and other brain areas to stay with the current data in the present moment to prevent the mind from going off into inaccurate amygdala piano-playing which will wreck your life. The amygdala is always running but the continuous attention is regulating it and making it more accurate. Daydreaming of pleasures and pains is just this proxy life just trying to manipulate your amygdala. When it succeeds in making you release dopamine and other pleasant chemicals it just wires the brain to do it more and more. Any kind of PTSD situations is just wiring that is so strong that any reminder of past traumas can trigger the amygdala negatively. Mental rehearsals for possible future conversations will definitely trigger the amygdala and that's something I still do but again the relationship to it is different now that I know why it happens and that I'm probably being too hyper-vigilant. Some rehearsal is necessary since for example you may have to go to court over something traumatic so the pain will be brought up again and again in order to prepare a case. You may have to debate someone or prepare to perform a skill. But if a rehearsal is just repetitive and not of use then it's okay to interrupt it with a query so it stops and the query is passive and inquisitive enough to prevent reactivity over reactivity. emoticon

Who's afraid of the amygdala?

MKB: Is it reasonable to link the amygdala and fear, then? I mean, is any part of the brain really a single-function tool … like a pie-crust crimper you’d buy from Williams Sonoma? Or are they more like, say, a food processor, able to do multiple jobs?

PW: There’s two answers to that. The first is that you have to start somewhere. Nobody believes that fear is the amygdala’s sole function and we know it can’t teach you everything you need to know about being afraid. But we do know it’s an older area of the brain and it’s reactive. It’s picked up on these things like facial expressions and it tells the brain, “the last time we saw that facial expression something bad happened.” It sends that signal to the prefrontal cortex, where decisions get made. The amygdala produces an alarm reaction and the prefrontal cortex is in charge of cancelling or corroborating the alarm.

Say you’re looking at a snake. That shape could mean danger. But it might not. The amygdala sends the same alarm despite the context, whether you’re in a field or in a zoo. The prefrontal cortex can cancel the alarm call in a zoo. [If the communication between the two parts of your brain is happening and the prefrontal cortex is working properly] the same stimulus should give very different outcomes based on context. We believe that circuitry is critical to how well people regulate anxiety and whether they will succumb to an anxiety disorder.

MKB: But what the amygdala does isn’t just about fear and anxiety, right? That seems to be what your research is showing.

PW: That’s the other answer. As you do more research, the next thing you realize is that the amygdala doesn’t just do anxiety. It’s not the fear center of the brain. Instead, it responds to things, and calls up other areas of the brain to pay attention to them. It makes the rest of the brain better at learning.

MKB: Does paying attention come first, or does the amygdala kick in and make you pay attention?

PW: It’s always monitoring on idle. It’s never off, the engine is always warm. It’s very automatic. We’ve used studies with backward masking — we’ll show people fear faces, but really quickly and cover them with a neutral expression face. People report only seeing the neutral face. But their amygdala still activates because of the fear face. So you’re not even consciously always privy to what the amygdala is privy to. It snaps to that attention without your permission. It can automatically react to something that you don’t necessarily “see” in the environment — the look of someone’s eyes, the shape of a snake — and once it goes, the vigilance level across your brain just changes. You might not even be aware of why that is, but now you start searching the environment much more carefully. This can be part of how you end up with panic attacks. But it’s also that healthy sense of wariness that we all have and should have. But the amygdala isn’t the voice in your head asking, “Is everything okay?” It’s the system that gets the voice going.

MKB: How does knowing this help us better understand what’s happening the brains of individual people?

PW: One front to our current research is watching differences in normal levels of anxiety, looking for translation to disorders. Part of what interests me in studying undergrads is that we’re hoping to pick up on something that will help people understand normal fluctuations and disorders. The idea is that people with anxiety disorders don’t recruit the prefrontal cortex as well as they should, and the degree to which they can recruit it predicts their symptom severity. So if you can recruit the prefrontal cortex a little, you’ll have fewer symptoms of PTSD than someone who can’t. We know there are problems with this system [the connections between the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex] in kids raised in neglectful situations. Those kids search for threats too often. We know hypervigilance is a key symptom of anxiety. The problem with anxiet disorders isn’t hyper fear. It’s hypervigilance.


My Shikantaza sit today was quite good. Just letting things show themselves and my relationship to vedana is improving. If some uncomfortable twitch from blood movement in the leg appears I can just watch it's impermanence with less reactivity. Small pains in the body are embraced. The brain started getting fast strobing pulses that were pleasant and the whole body was in rapture and pulses. The difference is that it wasn't a concentration state where I was solidifying anything and so the bliss was much better and earworms disappeared (though they come back pretty clearly) but everything feels fine and heavenly. Just even trying to force a jhana was slightly painful and the brain could make a comparison with just letting it be versus holding onto a mindstate.

RE: Richard's insight practice
Answer
9/22/13 11:56 AM as a reply to Richard Zen.
I tried out as I promised Fitter Stroke's practice with concentration and intentions. I did this and I didn't get into jhana but it didn't matter as it helped greatly in dealing with negative schemas. I got a lot of work done on my project and can't wait to do this again. Mixing this with metta will be my next step as per Shinzen's focus on the positive. Negative emotions had very little hold. The only way forward for me is to do this while dealing with long-term projects. Positivity is action and negativity is paralysis.

RE: Richard's insight practice
Answer
9/23/13 6:54 PM as a reply to Richard Zen.
As I continued this practice I could see how it was about momentum. As the momentum pushes you the distractions are easier to ignore. You concentrate which calms the addictive part of the brain so you can do more but I found a lot more insight than I expected.

My brain likes to imagine a willpower that can study for work plus learn a new language plus clean the house in unrealistic time scales. By the time I got to studying I was so tired and when you're mindful you can feel that intentions are limited and each successful push to complete something else depletes you further. In order to master a new skill, other activities must get out of the way or else the energy will be so depleted that you can't do much even if your force yourself. Intention is like a muscle that gets tired. Being mindful of the body shows you how wrong the expectation/belief was. The imagination really does want to experience things other than what actually happens. This is a really valuable lesson for me.

It reminds me of a comment that AEN mentioned some time past on how you can't just run a marathon but if you keep practicing then eventually you can. There's too much on my plate. I also need to look at my energy levels and see if there's anything I need to do better.

RE: Richard's insight practice
Answer
9/25/13 8:30 PM as a reply to Richard Zen.
More thawing is happening again. Coming out of my car from work I was just with the sensations even to how wind feels on my eyes. The sense of self continues to be like the thoughts but the mind or (consciousness) is naturally withdrawing from the mind-stream to what's happening phenomenologically now. It's like a gentle resting in the body with little bits of bliss and beautiful rest. Every time I get caught up in thoughts it's feeling more and more like a shocking waste of time and a neglect in how nice now can feel when you are a healthy human being with no major disabilities or chronic pain. I don't want to take it for granted.

RE: Richard's insight practice
Answer
10/6/13 1:36 PM as a reply to Richard Zen.
Self-referencing is weakening. It feels so much better.

RE: Richard's insight practice
Answer
10/15/13 7:57 PM as a reply to Richard Zen.
I got a little stuck in the past few days. I haven't wanted to do anything except just noting when I started using Ken's app. I talked to Beth to look for more depth in my noticing and I need a little more consistency. Along with noting "attention", and "intention" I can see more "reflecting", "confusion", "equanimity", "planning", "strategizing", and "imagining". Naturally after some imagining happens more stress appears. My mindfulness today was a little tighter now. I don't have to look for vibrations because if you note about once per second they're there. emoticon More detail + more consistency = more relief.

RE: Richard's insight practice
Answer
10/24/13 8:57 PM as a reply to Richard Zen.
I'm reading The Method of No-method The Chan Practice of Silent Illumination to improve my Shikantaza. I'm finding the noting method beneficial to keep things going but there's always a little tension or headache that results from it. By switching between the two practices I'm getting good results. The noting can deal with difficult things you have trouble seeing and the Shikantaza can alleviate the tension while still noticing what's happening.

For example if I worry about the practice I could note worry, but I could also do nothing and watch "worrying" thoughts. By noting first and then seeing the same phenomenon and doing nothing I get the same result without the tension. This has further made my self-referencing habits weaken and a newer freedom is appearing. I'm even more normal than before but with a complete acceptance of what is in the thinking department, so even if I'm lost in thoughts just being aware that it's happening is enough and just getting on with life. Thoughts about progress, how to practice, checking if it's working, are just more sensations so the rest is deeper and the letting go is deeper. Sometimes noting "worry", "doubt", "confusion" along with purposefully relaxing the body and then noting "relaxation" can turn you back to where you need to be.

One thing I like to do at work now is just starting the Shikantaza practice by noticing the vibrations in body (in a very light way) and watching the mind move in habitual directions. It's like you can feel a tension in the skull moving in different habitual directions but you don't do anything except be aware. The perceptions and clinging can just relax. The vibrations touch the atmosphere and that's the anchor and the tension of mind has nowhere to feed.

There's more to learn as I find mindfulness disappears when talking to people but now when I finish conversations and I get self-conscious about whether it was a good conversation or not it is helping me to not care if I run out of conversation or if my jokes aren't funny enough. Mindfulness can also disappear when enjoying entertainment. When thoughts go negative, interrupting the thought stream with "why?" can also keep the mind from forgetting how interesting the moment is. Conceptual space is still pretty solid and I'm not sure how to deal with that.