probably shouldn't post during this crappy looking DhO stage but I had strange experience which I feel like if I share it will be beneficial for all beings (myself included... or mostly myself =) )
I contemplated way which I made myself synesthete which is 'opening mental eyes' and that if they are closed (well, not as closed as they are in 'normal' people who don't even feel anything in their eyes at all) it is the same type of dukkha that there is generally. So I thought to myself: let's use what works on where I feel this 'stut down' sensations and I did it. First there was some kind of point or more precisely not point but whole small mind that 'opened' and then I had sensation that my whole head opened. It is exactly the same type of opening sensation that if I make in my eyes then colors start to be like crazy saturated, sweet and pleasurable.
At first I noticed music being deeper and better sounding (I wasn'tdoing 'formal meditation' at the time) but after short while it hit me that I see myself kinda from unusual position kinda behind and above head and feel all those sensations that normally could be taken as 'me' however subtle they felt were left behind, I wasn't them. It all happened inside my head which also felt open and like I was seeing it from slightly above and behind
this image immediately came to mind:

like being ouside this madness of being
unfortunately it wasn't long lived state and shortly ater I came back and I felt like being in my head again with all this closedness and identification dukkha surrounding me again =(
I immedietely started to compare what happened to my previous states and in a way it surpassed them all , at least when transcendending myself is defining factor of a state
what I opened don't feel as closed as before anymore but it feel little closed still, but now with kinda less opaque layer so I am actually in this new state all the time, just have to deliberately open it more to enter this state more deeply and this is not as easy as I would want. Similar thing I have with my eyes, I have to open them to have better 'response' and not always it is easy, especially in what feels like DN which I have now (long sleep, low energy, etc) .This similarity is not at all surprising given exactly the same method was used. Anyhow, imho I just opened Sahasrara so I guess I got plenty of dharma points for that =)
its already lenghty post and any more text will further decrease chances anyone reading it so I'll stop here ...
oh, and imho I should add this cause this
Migraine 6.2 Demon seems to doing rather poor and crappy job so unfortunatelly another wall of text XD
Pawe? K - 2014-04-28 11:36:53 - RE: Pawe? K practice log (mostly thinking outloud)
it is possible to see into right-hemisphere mind and even see if some body part movement comes from left or right mind, similarly it is possible to asses if sensations are coming from left or right processing route. Eg. seeing human being I notice that part of understanding about it comes from left and some from right.
both have their selves but kinda not at the same time so its either left-self or right-self. I can try to force both at the same time but it feels like stressful thing to do, to the point of feeling pain in my head and near neck. Other possibility is to concentrate on no-self aspects and it feels much better.
also there is kinda mind operation of changing 'phase' of a sensation so that it can immediately change from 'being' and causing dukkha to kinda be even-less than not-being and causing bliss, kinda like making sensation negative. To do this I have kinda zoom-in to it mentally and it have to be stabilized and not 'repelling' everything which I use 'mental brushing' or 'mental sandpaper' to do. Usually it is in specific part of head on its surface and I can usually see it visually represented as some king badly drawn oscilloscope graphs, sometimes fancy 3D graphs (also badly drawn with least possible line count - my mind is kinda lazy I guess...) when sensation is on surface eg. some kind of pain, though its always to go as specific as possible and chose this single 'leading' selfing sensation which is like very high frequency sound/hiss
BTW. if someone have never worked with anything resembling what I describe it might sound like I was crazy. I assure all of those unfortunate fools that am not crazy but people who do not hear/feel/see 'selfing' or their hemispheres definitely are. To work with mind without inner eyes and ears and abilities to actually change something is like going through the street without eyes and ears and... without legs... so growing all those is most important to get to other side.
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Dream Walker - 2014-04-28 16:33:11 - RE: Pawe? K practice log (mostly thinking outloud)
Pawe? K:
BTW. if someone have never worked with anything resembling what I describe it might sound like I was crazy. .
This is merely one of the reasons to view you as crazy....and is why I love reading your posts so much. It is always interesting how and what you are doing that is so different from the rest.
Note crazy, note crazy
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Pawe? K - 2014-04-28 20:02:06 - RE: Pawe? K practice log (mostly thinking outloud)
at my A&P I had realization that I had native mind mode which was lost due to me being affraid of its bigness, a lot of sensations, a lot of possibilities. I thought of that small mind mode with less stuff to deal with would be better for me... and I lost my native mode only to find some time after that that unused functions get weak and I have to train stuff that I could already have if I wasn't a little afraid mind cry-baby...
It was not anatta as anatta is already oversimplification on top of which there is created concept of self. Its ugly abomination as it doesn't really point to native mode but to itself. So even anatta which is seeing stuff doing itself is closer to native mode than self even if in native mode stuff don't do itself but everything is seen as act of will, something self try to simulate.
I have something resembling somehow my native mode but its still just crap nowhere excellence of what it should be as it is full of 'small mode' traits. Note that this small mode I talk is not all that bad. It is actually working better than expected. If it was less working then we would not need enlightenment. That is probably this 'human condition' that Richard dude from AF is raving about and Actual Freedom is probably what I consider my native mode.
Generally I am building skills to visualize my own mind. I do strange techniques like allowing mind to draw lines on objects that represent how mind process stuff like eg. images. Like flat surface have those strange patterns on them that seem to be what we actually fix our eyes to when we look at flat surface. Its like we were looking at something but nothing in particular and when trying to mode eyes it have to jump to another place some distance away, right? and when trying to jump less that that mind have to do something, and then its possible to jump smaller steps, right? its those patterns =) it also enable me to see what mind imagine there is when some objects part is hidden eg. its back or we see only part of object. It is drawn too but with different kind of lines, not very detailed or accurate and it is not fixed, it kinda fluctuate, just so that there won't be sensation of glaring emptiness but not to create sensation of knowing either. Hidden parts of object that I know have dangerous places are drawn in scary way with scary colors and more accurately than those of not important not dangerous things.
enough craziness on DhO for today, I already used way more words than necessary, should say 'mu' instead =)