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Andrew's Practice Log

Andrew's Practice Log
Answer
12/11/13 8:32 PM
Who and where I (think) I am:

I'm 48 and I've been meditating on and off for 30 years(since 18). Most of that has been "still mind" or visualization. A mish-mash of whatever was available to me. I only got into serious insight practice after I attended a 10-day Goenka retreat in May 2012. I found Goenka's scanning very slow going, but stuck with it for over a year. The retreat did have some profound experiences for me however, and I believe my disciplined work while I was there was very useful.

I probably had my first arising and passing away at around 13. That's the event I can remember. Not as strange as it may sound when you a father who had a thought-centered practice, and who had been involved in heavily mind-based "occult" practice in the 50's.

I've followed numerous spiritual techniques, with a deep turn to Huna magick and Shamanism in the late 90s, along with NLP training, and Chaos Magick training. Lots of powers, but eventually dark night overwhelm led me to mostly abandon those skills in the mid-2000's.

I first discovered MCTB on a farm in southern New Zealand in early 2011, but only set down to read the book after having some profound realizations with The Power of Now earlier this year. I ignored Tollé's advice to not meditate because my meditation practice has always been incredibly anchoring, and without it bad things tend to happen.

Now I usually meditate for an hour a day, and am doing my best to work on noting along with general Dharma work.

RE: Andrew's Practice Log
Answer
12/11/13 8:44 PM as a reply to Andrew Mayer.
12/11/2012

Focus on breathing. Having trouble focusing. What if I increase the rate of focus?
Rise-rise-rise-rise-rise
Fall-fall-fall-fall-fall

Find sensations at that speed. Push to note at the rate of attention.
Thoughts coming in. Feelings coming in.
Noting. Noting. What if everything is breathing? What if there is only breath, and everything is part of breath?
What if thoughts are breath?
More thoughts. More thinking.
I am not these thoughts. They are here, they are now, but they are not me?
What if my attention is rising and passing? What if everything I am aware of is the three truths? What if that thought is also the truths?

Everything is gone? Simply having thoughts and training attention upon them.
Body is vanishing. Shootin' Aliens.
What if there is only rising and passing away? What if every sensation is simply that one sensation?

Knock Knock Knock

Someone is at the door. I open my eyes. I grab my glasses.
I should answer. I'm waiting for a package!
I am meditating. But not anymore. Thrown back to reality.

Disappointment. Cast back into my body. Back into thoughts.

Back to breathing.
Grrr. Why did that happen? Why couldn't I stay there.

Knock Knock Knock

Go away! Let me meditate!
Focus on breathing. I am meditating. Let it go.
Noises everywhere. Who is there? What is happening?
Why am I grasping? This is what happened.

Back to breathing.
Focus on breathing. Focus on everything being one thing, like before.

Yeah, right

Focus on breathing.
Rise-rise-rise-rise-rise
Fall-fall-fall-fall-fall
Nope. Nope. Nope.

Okay. Maybe. Better.
And what's this?

I gotta pee. Badly

Pain! Pain! Pain!

Should I go pee? ( Isn't it dangerous not to pee?)
Focus on breathing. Focus through then pain.

Rise-rise-rise-rise-rise Fall-fall-fall-fall-fall

How long left?
How long should I wait?
(Noting the desire for this to end.)
What if I hurt myself?

Focus through the pain. Focus on the pain.

What is pain? Pain is rising and passing away.
We can only sense what rises and passes away.

THAT is sensation. THAT is awareness.

DING! Time is up.

And now I can pee. Except I don't need to pee.
So what was the pain?

RE: Andrew's Practice Log
Answer
12/12/13 5:19 PM as a reply to Andrew Mayer.
Andrew Mayer:
12/11/2012

Focus on breathing. Having trouble focusing. What if I increase the rate of focus?
Rise-rise-rise-rise-rise
Fall-fall-fall-fall-fall

Find sensations at that speed. Push to note at the rate of attention.
Thoughts coming in. Feelings coming in.
Noting. Noting. What if everything is breathing? What if there is only breath, and everything is part of breath?
What if thoughts are breath?
More thoughts. More thinking.
I am not these thoughts. They are here, they are now, but they are not me?
What if my attention is rising and passing? What if everything I am aware of is the three truths? What if that thought is also the truths?

Everything is gone? Simply having thoughts and training attention upon them.
Body is vanishing. Shootin' Aliens.
What if there is only rising and passing away? What if every sensation is simply that one sensation?


What if 'sensation' , the actual idea of, was just an actual idea only. What would experience of a sensation be like without being mentally designated a 'sensation'? I like your furious questioning mind Keep doing that. It will take you far.

Knock Knock Knock

Someone is at the door. I open my eyes. I grab my glasses.
I should answer. I'm waiting for a package!
I am meditating. But not anymore. Thrown back to reality.


Why is 'reality' not simply an extension of what one is doing in practice? Why is 'meditating' relegated simple to a sitting position? Can the act of 'meditation' move to also encompass getting up, putting on glasses and answering the door? If not how can one modify the act of paying attention so that there are no gaps in momentum an practice?

]Disappointment. Cast back into my body. Back into thoughts.


Is dissapointment interrupting the 'meditation' ? How can one co-opt the arising of dissapointment into a continuation of gapless practice?

Back to breathing.
Grrr. Why did that happen? Why couldn't I stay there.]


How can the "grrrr" be co-opted into a gapless practice?

Knock Knock Knock

Go away! Let me meditate!
Focus on breathing. I am meditating. Let it go.
Noises everywhere. Who is there? What is happening?
Why am I grasping? This is what happened.


How can the act of grasping and supposed interruptions be co-opted into a gapless practice?

Back to breathing.
Focus on breathing. Focus on everything being one thing, like before.


How can a lack of focus on "everything being one thing" be co-opted into a gapless practice? How can one shift perception of some aspect of the field of experience so that it ceases to 'be' an interruption?

Yeah, right

Focus on breathing.
Rise-rise-rise-rise-rise
Fall-fall-fall-fall-fall
Nope. Nope. Nope.

Okay. Maybe. Better.
And what's this?

I gotta pee. Badly

Pain! Pain! Pain!

Should I go pee? ( Isn't it dangerous not to pee?)
Focus on breathing. Focus through then pain.

Rise-rise-rise-rise-rise Fall-fall-fall-fall-fall

How long left?
How long should I wait?
(Noting the desire for this to end.)
What if I hurt myself?

Focus through the pain. Focus on the pain.

What is pain? Pain is rising and passing away.
We can only sense what rises and passes away.

THAT is sensation. THAT is awareness.

DING! Time is up.

And now I can pee. Except I don't need to pee.
So what was the pain?



How can peein......you get the point. ;-)

Nick

RE: Andrew's Practice Log
Answer
12/12/13 4:40 PM as a reply to Andrew Mayer.
2013-12-12

Shorter session today. Half an hour as I have 40 minute public sit on Thursday evenings.

Reread Nikolai's response and decided to take the intention of "gapless" practice into the meditation today.

Started with "have I begun?" as I sat down.

Focusing on the breath.
Rise-rise-rise-rise-rise
Fall-fall-fall-fall-fall
Lots of distractions. Am I meditating? Bring them in.
Examine them.
Distracting thoughts. Bring them in. Focus on the thoughts.
Faster faster. More sensations. Bring them in. Make them all part of it.
Expanding the field. Faster Faster. Take it all in. Move beyond response and feel the bare sensation.
Go faster than the echo can respond. What wait for the response? Why do I need to "validate" the sensation instead of just moving onto the next one?
Rise-rise-rise-rise-rise
Fall-fall-fall-fall-fall
What am noting? Noting the noting. Noting the sensations. Up and down the body. Feeling the full field of self.
For a moment everything is clear, as if I'm hanging in the air at the top of a leap. Sensations. *Is this flickering?*And then crashing back down.
Gapless practice. I am back, but where is back. This is meditating.
Focus on the breath.
Then thoughts creep in. Little movies. Little thoughts. Distracting stories.
Gapless practice! This is what is happening. Note the distractions. Return to the breath.
Somewhere outside a saw starts up. Visualizing the saw. Note the visualization. Hear the silences in between. Note the silences. Hear the shape of the sound. Note that.
Back to breathing. Rise-rise-rise-rise-rise Fall-fall-fall-fall-fall
Quickly the thoughts come back. Thoughts flow into narratives. I try to speed up, but things fall back into thoughts. Try to return to breathing, but things turn back into thoughts. Is this meditating?
Balancing between thoughts, the feeling of having thoughts, reacting to thoughts, noting the reaction to thoughts.
*Gong!* The time is up.
Am I still meditating?

RE: Andrew's Practice Log
Answer
12/12/13 5:40 PM as a reply to Andrew Mayer.
Andrew Mayer:
2013-12-12

Shorter session today. Half an hour as I have 40 minute public sit on Thursday evenings.

Reread Nikolai's response and decided to take the intention of "gapless" practice into the meditation today.

Started with "have I begun?" as I sat down.

Focusing on the breath.
Rise-rise-rise-rise-rise
Fall-fall-fall-fall-fall
Lots of distractions. Am I meditating? Bring them in.
Examine them.
Distracting thoughts. Bring them in. Focus on the thoughts.
Faster faster. More sensations. Bring them in. Make them all part of it.
Expanding the field. Faster Faster. Take it all in. Move beyond response and feel the bare sensation.
Go faster than the echo can respond. What wait for the response? Why do I need to "validate" the sensation instead of just moving onto the next one?
Rise-rise-rise-rise-rise
Fall-fall-fall-fall-fall
What am noting? Noting the noting. Noting the sensations. Up and down the body. Feeling the full field of self.
For a moment everything is clear, as if I'm hanging in the air at the top of a leap. Sensations. *Is this flickering?*And then crashing back down.
Gapless practice. I am back, but where is back. This is meditating.
Focus on the breath.
Then thoughts creep in. Little movies. Little thoughts. Distracting stories.
Gapless practice! This is what is happening. Note the distractions. Return to the breath.
Somewhere outside a saw starts up. Visualizing the saw. Note the visualization. Hear the silences in between. Note the silences. Hear the shape of the sound. Note that.
Back to breathing. Rise-rise-rise-rise-rise Fall-fall-fall-fall-fall
Quickly the thoughts come back. Thoughts flow into narratives. I try to speed up, but things fall back into thoughts. Try to return to breathing, but things turn back into thoughts. Is this meditating?
Balancing between thoughts, the feeling of having thoughts, reacting to thoughts, noting the reaction to thoughts.
*Gong!* The time is up.
Am I still meditating?


Nice. Experiment with making the *Gong!* simply a sign to change positions not a sign to stop 'paying attention'. Take the 'paying attention' intention from the act of sitting in meditation posture to all postures and situations.

One thing to contemplate is that there are no interruptions to practice as long as the mind does not habitually assign that meaning (of 'interruption') to some arising and passing phenomena or lack there of some aspect of the field of experience deemed 'special' by the mind. These movements, or rather all movements of mind, can be part of practice. This is where the big baseline shifts gain a foothold in my own experience and practice.

There are only 'gaps' in practice if there are aspects of the field of experience ignored or averted from or craved. To avert from some aspect of the field of experience is to ignore the links in the chain of cause and effect. If craved, one is ignoring the links in the chain of cause and effect.

If nothing is ignored, and there is curiosity for EVERY movement, every arising and passing phenomena of the entire field of experience, that is when cause and effect chains that bind are able to unravel and lose their sequence of links. They stay firmly linked when those links are ignored. And to not ignore them is to not ignore the ENTIRE field of possible experience. There are no interruptions to 'meditation'. Even a change in posture. We assign meaning to and thus create 'things'. Those 'things' then are given the designation of 'interruption'. We create interruptions ourselves. Simply shift perception to the opposite. They are not an interruption, but a continuation of 'paying attention'. Any posture, any phenomena, any compoundings can be paid attention to. "Regardless of evaluation, this phenomena of 'thought', 'thoughtloop', 'image', sensation with a mental feeling tone of unpleasant, pleasant, neutral, whatever, visual fodder, audial fodder, tongue fodder, smells, regardless, all are NOT more sacred or less sacred than other phenomena. We assign habitually mental shape, concept, name, and weight to previously unborn, unsegregated, uncreated, not conceived aspects/distinctions of the whole field of experience. Then assigned with evaluation of good, bad or meh!, they can become 'interruptions' unless we shift the naming and shaping (by not being ignorant of this link in the chain of binding and interruption)

This will get the fireworks going in my experience and shift perception.

Nick's cent.

Edited because I got carried away, representative of current baseline
Carry on!

RE: Andrew's Practice Log
Answer
12/12/13 5:38 PM as a reply to Andrew Mayer.
Andrew Mayer:

Quickly the thoughts come back. Thoughts flow into narratives. I try to speed up, but things fall back into thoughts. Try to return to breathing, but things turn back into thoughts.


Is the act of 'trying' and the compounding phenomena that are habitually read as 'trying' also paid attention to/noticed?

RE: Andrew's Practice Log
Answer
12/12/13 5:46 PM as a reply to Nikolai ..
Thanks Nik. So much gratitude for your time and attention! These are inspiring responses, and I'll looking to take them as intentions for my practice.

Interestingly, as I can read them I can feel some fear and tension in my body/mind:
What if I do this? What if I'm doing this all the time?
What will other people think? What will become of me?

I can feel it: tension crawling across my skin, and a twisting in my stomach.

I think I see the cushion as a place of safety and propriety. I desperately want that moment of Transformation! But I keep finding the truth is in the mundane, in the expanding field of the ordinary, and I'm resisting that.

And noting the resistance.

RE: Andrew's Practice Log
Answer
12/13/13 6:34 PM as a reply to Andrew Mayer.
2o13-12-13

I read Nik's advice from yesterday out loud a few times until it makes some kind of sense.

I sit with intention: To see *all* phenomena as equally worth noting and to note *all* shifting of the mind.

Started noting as usual. Started the breath as usual. I have a thing I've been doing where the attention itself breaks things down.
Back to the breath.
Stepping back. Stepping back.

Thoughts are coming now. Taking me away. Lost in thoughts.
Then they pass. Like a wave (I'll realize that later). No reaction. This is what's happening.

Everything softened. Not flickering anymore, but pulsing, flowing. Rising, fading. No discrete edges of events, but simply everything moving and and through each other.

Thoughts coming. Big thoughts. No fighting. No feeling. Just exploring.

Open it up. Open it up.

Thoughts. Breathing. Thoughts.

I've been looking for discrete moments all this time. Subtler, but isolated.
Now things start flowing. What if I let it flow?

Back to breathing. Everything pulsing. Eyes are closed by everything felt visual.

Flowing. Flowing. Something is happening. Getting excited! Note the exciement. Sound flows in and out.

No longer noting with words at all. I try it. "Pain." But I don't need it. The mind is following now.

Thoughts.
Why am I stepping *away* from these experiences, when I can step into them?

Why am I moving when I can be observing? Thoughts start to vanish now.
So much to see in the moment.

So strange to be able to form concepts inside of this. What am I really thinking about? What if I turn the attention back on itself. Let it go higher. Let it flow.

Where am I? Now. Now. Now. Now. Let it get bigger.
Sounds move in and sounds move out.

Everything flowing. Everything breathing. Everything pulsing. Eyes are closed by everything felt visual. Sound flows in and out.

Fear. What's happening to me. Feel the fear. Let it flow.
Feel it moving, changing.
Pain. There is pain. Feel it flowing through me. Rising up through me. Changing.

Feeling like I'm looking forward. Look back. Open it up.
Where is the sensation? It seems slow.
What if I go deeper deeper deeper? Subtler subtler.

Everything seems glowing and light. I am facing the sun, so it is bright through my eyes. What would this be like in the darkness? I'll have to try it some time.

I stay here for a while. I play with things here. Is my time almost up? Usually that sends me out, but I can let it flow. It's almost funny.

What if I can't hold onto this? What does it feel like to feel that?

What will it be like when I open my eyes?

Is this Jhana? Can I look at the arising and passing away of all this? I can? I can!
It flows. It moves.

Then the gong. I let it flow. I remind myself that I am simply shifting position, not ending the meditation.

I stand up I write this. I can feel the flow.

RE: Andrew's Practice Log
Answer
12/13/13 7:08 PM as a reply to Andrew Mayer.
Excellent. Now simply rinse and repeat. And see what happens when you take it to all situations, positions and truly gapless as much as possible. If there is slipping, don't worry too much about it. It is a gradual development towards it being 24/7. But to get there, you simply keep doing what you describe above. I'd keep at it. See where it takes your practice. Curiosity kills the 'I' (making)

RE: Andrew's Practice Log
Answer
12/13/13 7:13 PM as a reply to Nikolai ..
When in doubt: "There is nothing worth ignoring. Every experience, whether unpleasant, pleasant or neutral, is perfectly ok to pay attention to. ANY experience is accepted as the manifestation of this moment, and this one, and this and this, this this this this etc.

Play and experiment with it. What happens when you switch from paying attention from this all accepting viewpoint to one that segregates and averts or craves some aspect/s of experience over others. Is there a difference in result? Switch back and forth from these two differing approaches. If there is a difference, show the brain that difference over and over.

RE: Andrew's Practice Log
Answer
12/13/13 7:33 PM as a reply to Nikolai ..
Thanks again. I'm kind of in awe of how much a difference your advice from yesterday made.

What happens when you switch from paying attention from this all accepting viewpoint to one that segregates and averts or craves some aspect/s of experience over others


Just had a taste of that. I found myself chasing the "flow", rather than being in the moment. I quickly realized that you don't go anywhere that way...

I am going to see if what happens with walking meditation. It would be good to spend some deeply intentioned time off the cushion and see where it takes me.

And I'll see what happens as I expand the field of sensation during the day.

RE: Andrew's Practice Log
Answer
12/15/13 3:08 AM as a reply to Andrew Mayer.
In another location today. No cushion, no zafu, just the couch and a few pillows. A different position. Also at a different, later time of day.

I start with just noting today. I remember yesterday. I note my desire to return to the equanimity of yesterday.

I hear the nearby highway. I note that.

Thoughts come. They wash over me. When they recede I note that I was lost in thought. Gapless practice. More thoughts.

The gas heater flares. I note
my reaction.

My mind has shifted. The thought waves stop. I concentrate on the breath. I try to open the field of mind, to find the flickering. It doesn't come. Everything is slower today. My back hurts. I let myself shift. I note that. Gapless practice.

I sit noting. The sound of the highway. The heater. A loud car. My thought image of that car. The pain. It all goes slowly. No broadening. No flickering. I note my frustration.

More pain in my hip. I feel my mind shift. It tells me that the time is up and that I can get up. It's a trick it plays on me often. I note it.

I'm waiting for the flow to return. I note my desire. I breathe. I feel myself wanting to get up. The pain grows. I shift. I shift. Gapless practice.

The desire to quit grows, then it passes. I note the passing. Colors appear on the back if my eyes.

The pain passes the pain rises.

Then the field starts to expand. I chase the flow. I note the chasing. It grows.
Then it settles. I note the settling.
The pain grows. I shift. Gapless practice.

Gong. I wait for a moment. I open my eyes.
I write this.

RE: Andrew's Practice Log
Answer
12/16/13 3:32 PM as a reply to Andrew Mayer.
I didn't do a blow by blow of my practice yesterday because it was awful. I barely was able to attain the minimum of concentration. Lots of trembling, shaking, and thoughts mixed with what I'm starting to think of as "blank spots" where there seems to be no sense of self at all. I might as well be asleep.

Earlier in the day I had what I considered to be a major insight: listening to Jack Kornfield's "Buddhism for Beginners", I was struck with a deep understanding of the concept that everything (and the only thing) that our senses perceive are the arising and passing away. Given some of the movement forward I've had in my meditation practice over the last week it was revelatory. I had some direction and motivation. I was excited to get on the cushion.The world seemed to be alive in a new way.

The sit itself was, as I mentioned above, terrible. I was distracted, and I either got lost in thought, or gone completely. I didn't feel like writing up the experience.

I sat the hour, but I came out of it feeling bewildered and agitated.

The agitation increased over the next few hours, and after a blissful feeling that afternoon, I was angry by the end of the night. I worked to get aware and present, but despite attempting mindfulness it was hard to come by.

Eventually I got out of the house and saw a friend. The feelings passed soon after that, and I regained some equanimity.

I'm glad my girlfriend wasn't home that evening. I would have had a hard time both explaining what I felt, and containing my emotions.

Definitely made me think about this quote from MCTB:

“I will make time for insight practices and retreats during which time I will simply see the true nature of the sensations of whatever arises, however horrible or compelling, and not indulge in the content of my stuff for one skinny instant if this is within the limits of my strength and power. In this way, I will be able to navigate this territory skillfully and not damage my daily life. Should I fail, I will actively seek help from those who are skilled in helping people keep a healthy perspective in the face of dark issues until such time as I can face the Dark Night as recommended.

RE: Andrew's Practice Log
Answer
12/16/13 6:41 PM as a reply to Andrew Mayer.
2013-12-16

I sit, a little nervous at first. I close my eyes. The bell rings.
My head feels clear, my thoughts focused.
My intention today is to find more depth and subtlety in my breath. I accept that I have "slid back" from whatever it was that happened a few days ago. I let myself find equanimity with that, even just a little bit, and begin to focus on noting.
I let my awareness expand. I note with more intention today. I hear, I feel, come back to my breath. I find more in it.
There is lots of twitching today. I note the twitching. I breathe. I look deeper into the breathing.
The concentration fades, thoughts come. I note them. As the thoughts pass away and I return to now, I bring my mind back to my breath. I try not to lead the noting, but instead bring my concentration to more subtlety in the breath.
In-in-in, every time I become aware. Out-out-out, every time I become aware.
A catch in the breath. I note it. I feel my stomach move, I note it. I feel a pulse under the breathing. I note that.
After a while thoughts c0me. I note them.
I return to breathing. I let it flow.
It is not an ecstatic experience, but I simply note that.
Sounds come and go. I note that.
Thoughts come. I let them. I note them. And when they pass, I return to breathing.
The mind plays its trick on me, pretending that the bell has rung. It wants me to open my eyes. I note that.
At some point, in the middle of a thought the desire to be done comes, but it is mild. The agitation is mild. I note that. I return to breathing.
I am not fighting the mind, or directing it. I am letting it flow. It is resisting the meditation, but it is not being forced anymore, just observed, and when awareness grows I return to my breath and look for more.
The bell rings. I set my intention to bring my awareness from this state to the next one.
I open my eyes, and give a second to note the field of vision.
I move my legs and note the sensation of feeling returning to them.
I stand up and note the pain in my knees as I do it.
I write this.

RE: Andrew's Practice Log
Answer
12/17/13 7:07 PM as a reply to Andrew Mayer.
Today I take 10 minutes to work on concentration before I head into noting. I sit and switch focus between my left and right index fingers.
Occasionally distractions drift in, and I note them.

The bell rings and I start noting. I give myself the intention of Concentration. My goal is to pay deeper attention to the breath.
For a while it goes well, but I find myself "distracted". I let the attention go with it, and switch to whole body sweeping and noting. I can feel the tingling across my skin. I note it.
Thoughts come. I let them. I fall into them, but I don't fall "away" today.
As their intensity recedes I note them.
I watch them, and try to search deeper into my thoughts them for the three characteristics.
Is that really a "face" I'm seeing in my minds eye? I watch it drift apart and note it.
I have a new term for things I can't describe: "That."
For an instant I see a terrifying fall. I note the terror. But am I "seeing" anything? It is simply "that". I note the change.
I come back to breathing as I can, looking deeper into the breath. Where in the breath is everyone finding so much to focus on?
I note the sounds. I note the sensations. I note the rising and the falling. I look for subtler sensations.
The mind plays its trick on me again: "The bell has rung!"
But I am aware now that it is the thought of a bell. I note it "rings" only once. The trick is getting weaker.
I go back to breathing.
I flow through thoughts, but my concentration doesn't vanish today.
I feel the agitation that comes when the time on the cushion is almost up. It is weaker today. Almost as if the mind is starting to give up trying.
There is some pain. It is mild. I note it.
I pay attention to my breathing.
I wonder how much longer I have on the cushion. I note that.
The bell rings, and I note the external sound. I set the intention of continuous practice and stand up.

RE: Andrew's Practice Log
Answer
12/19/13 9:04 PM as a reply to Andrew Mayer.
2013-12-18

Different format, as I didn't have time to write this up right after the session.

Two attempts:

1) I'm discovering that putting in a few minutes of Daniel's simple concentration exercise (attention back and forth between index fingers) is having powerful results. Training my attention a bit before doing the insight work seems to be keeping me from spinning off into "blackout" territory.

I decided to go back to some hardcore noting work. Heavily focused on finding and noting subtlety in the breath to increase speed.

Solid noting of thoughts as thoughts. Deep examination of the thoughts themselves.

Definitely getting into some powerful states. Starting to move into solid insight territory, widening the field of perception and blasting aliens when...

I was interrupted by the early return of my girlfriend from her 5 day art retreat. I tried to stay open to a continuous mediation state.

A friend calls. Will have to hit the cushion later.

2) Back onto the cushion.

5 minutes of concentration work, and then into a half hour meditation.
Again I focused on subtle breath noting.
Lots more thoughts this time. I worked to keep noting them as "thoughts" when I came back into consciousness, but it didn't seem to have the same effect. They were stronger and more overwhelming. Definitely went "under" more than I have before.

I find myself feeling that a retreat is really what is needed right now. Prolonged engagement with the insight state, and getting some real work done in examining my self/no-self, would, I think, make a difference.

RE: Andrew's Practice Log
Answer
12/19/13 9:05 PM as a reply to Andrew Mayer.
2013-12-19

Decided to add an extra 5 minutes today.
Started with a 10 minute concentration exercise.

The mind was very squirrelly today from the start. Lots of thoughts coming in and out, waves washing over the attempt to give attention to the fingers.

Managed some back and forth while letting the thoughts come and go.
Worked to note the thoughts as they come and go.
The noting can sometimes feel like chasing: "Oh, that was just a thought! 'thought'".

"Ding!"
Concentration time over. Into the breathing. Looking to find subtlety. Trying to let the sensations lead the noting, and not the other way around...
In-in...in...in-in.
Out...out-out...out.

Lots of thought forms. I note them. I feel disappointed. I note the disappointment.
LOTS of jerking today. It feels like I'm falling asleep. A few times I'm *definitely* keeling over and catching myself.

I sneeze. I try to note overwhelming sensations in its wake. Sneezing is actually kind of amazing in that way.

At some point I'm feeling numbing in my groin. I decide it's worth shifting. I work to maintain meditation in the shift. My hands on the sides of the mat, the cushion underneath me.

I push harder to open up my senses. Wider. Shoot more aliens. For a few moments I can feel something opening up.

I keep waiting for some kind of uplift to come. It feels almost as if a hand is reaching down to me that I can't grasp. Did I note that?

There are thoughts. I note the thoughts.

The bell rings. I note the sound. I write this.

As rough as the meditation sessions have been the last week, I do feel like I'm having more "meditation moments" in daily life. I'm beginning to realize just how similar all the sense are. Seeing seemed so special, but I'm realizing its limits as I'm beginning to deconstruct the mind's eye.

RE: Andrew's Practice Log
Answer
12/20/13 10:12 PM as a reply to Andrew Mayer.
2013-12-20

Listened to Jack Kornfield being interviewed by Duncan Trussell, today, and there was some good words on self-love and insight that struck me deeply. I also asked some questions over on Buddhist Geeks, that got an interesting answer.

In light of that I've decided that I've been trying to get "over" or "around" my thought forms, and that's the wrong relationship. I need to accept them, and note them. Stop pushing them out of the way, and instead into them, and then beyond them.

I also think I've lost some of the curiosity I've had before and replaced it with a form of "wanting" that's bringing agitation into my meditation.

I decided to bring the intention to deeply and subtlety note those things onto the cushion with me today.

There was some bizarre turbulence during my initial concentration session at the beginning. Some deep emotions coming up, as well as some terrifying visions. I noted them as they came, and returned my attention gently to the sensations in the fingers.

The I went into the full noting session. My goal was to note deeply, with subtlety, and return to the breath. And as thought forms came I let them flow. If they flowed over me, when they retreated I noted them as best I could.

There was definitely s0me luminance behind my eyelids that was interesting, and I noted that. I kept pushing generally for subtler and deeper sensations using curiosity as my guide.

I've also decided to deeply explore the feelings in my chest. Fear? Anxiety? Wanting? I'm naming that knot of sensation as best I can and seeing where it goes.

Pushing to keep going deeper, and also playing around with moving fully out of my head. I actually tried to see if I could note the sensations, but not be in my body. Expand the field of awareness and move it around. If it's not me, why not have it be mobile?

It was a far more equanimous experience than I've had in a while.

RE: Andrew's Practice Log
Answer
12/22/13 4:10 PM as a reply to Andrew Mayer.
2013-12-21

It was my Birthday yesterday, and enough people wanted to spend time with me that I didn't have time a formal session.

Interestingly my interactions gave me a chance to note a couple of things during my day:

1) My natural tendency to try and "escape" from negative emotions as the occur is being replaced by a tendency to note them instead:

"What is this? It's fear!" Then I dig down into that feeling. "What does fear feel like?"

It's a good practice, but I'm sometimes struggling with naming things.

I still carry a lot of emotional pain in my heart/chest, and I've been spending time trying to untangle those feelings and name them. Honestly there's something there almost all the time (and always has been). It was the great thundering echoes of chest pain that drove me to the Goenka retreat 18 months ago. I actually thought I was having a heart attack one morning three years ago, purely from stress pain.

As a practice during the day, "noting the knot" seems to have value for me, especially as I try to feel the subtleties there. I'm going to stick with it.

Meanwhile, I had a regular on hour sit today. Most of the work now seems to be in understanding the waves of thoughts that come and go, and using the tools of noting to begin to separate consciousness from thinking.

I'm still trying to use breath as my object, but I really have trouble finding subtlety in breathe. Also, as was the case today, it can be very easy to get overwhelmed with thinking while I'm doing. I might be better off with something else for a while, except that breathe is a very useful thing to *return* to.

At the present time it's my best tool for gaining and losing focus.

As with my "knot noting" practice, I also seem to struggle with naming things.

I've been trying to speed things up generally, as there's a powerful experience that comes when I can note with speed that really puts me in touch with more raw sensation, and gets me out of the chains of causality that come with slower noting.

There was also an interesting experience as I begin to try and "catch" experiences. A sort of "oh, that just happened, shouldn't I note it?" And then I note the desire to note it. A weird little echo of a feeling...

If I find myself longing for achievement in all this, it would be to develop a strong sense of "direction" and an opening of the field of awareness. I'm focusing on following the sensations and not leading them, but there's a strong desire to do that.

RE: Andrew's Practice Log
Answer
12/25/13 4:04 PM as a reply to Andrew Mayer.
2013-12-24

I started off the session thinking about the concept of the Strange Attractor.
I began to perceive consciousness as a tendency of thought, an idea that responds the things that it is aware of, but is only the response, and without a center.

Soon after I'm pulling my attention in through the field of awareness, and not the other way around. The awareness is constant, and things move into the field. I am observing what I have a tendency to observe.

There is no I because the awareness is my tendency to be aware. I am what I experience, and not the other way around. There is a tendency to react with in a state, and I can ultimately cycle myself around and pull myself up through my own insight.

The experiences I have is, at least on this level, the fuel of that awareness.
Now what are the jhanas? My need to keep cycling?

Before I know what's happening, I'm flipping the donut

And then, my girlfriend decides to interrupt me, and pulls me out of the state.

It is what happened, but this is twice I've been pulled out at a moment of deep insight. It's incredibly frustrating. I'm examine that feeling of frustration. I'm giving myself a chance to observe the anger. But there is anger and frustration.

2013-12-25
As I expected, today is a chasing day.
Another half hour. Uninterrupted this time.

The experience from yesterday has given me some tools and some awareness that I didn't have before. At the same time, I find myself bringing insight to desire.

I can feel the edges of the doughnut forming. I can feel that awareness of awareness, but if *I* chase it, then it cannot be reached.

I have more stability in equanimity. My focus and concentration are growing.

I focus on the fact that thoughts are simply a sense door. I find comfort in the fact that I can maintain awareness in thought much better now.

I examine the comfort.

I let the sounds come, the feelings come. I examine them. I see my own awareness. THere is no I, only a tendency, only the focus.

Great ideas for my novel come. I want them! I let them pass.

I focus on my breathing. I lose the doughnut. *I* am back.

I focus on my breathing.

The bell rings. I listen to the bell. I hear the flickering.

I practice a little Loving Kindness. It's Christmas!

May all creatures be peaceful and content.