Hey DhOers,
Yesterday morning I had a meditation experience which has altered my practice direction (a bit). Nothing too drastic, really just a different focus for mindfulness. Apparently drastic enough for me to decide to start a new practice log, but I think that such a log will be useful as I have definitely seen others report similar practices so they could probably help me with this one.
Anyway, the experience I had was one of "cittanupassana" or "contemplation of the mind." i.e. observing the one's mental state like so:
"And how does a monk remain focused on the mind in & of itself? There is the case where a monk, when the mind has passion, discerns that the mind has passion. When the mind is without passion, he discerns that the mind is without passion. When the mind has aversion, he discerns that the mind has aversion. When the mind is without aversion, he discerns that the mind is without aversion. When the mind has delusion, he discerns that the mind has delusion. When the mind is without delusion, he discerns that the mind is without delusion.
"When the mind is constricted, he discerns that the mind is constricted. When the mind is scattered, he discerns that the mind is scattered. When the mind is enlarged, he discerns that the mind is enlarged. When the mind is not enlarged, he discerns that the mind is not enlarged. When the mind is surpassed, he discerns that the mind is surpassed. When the mind is unsurpassed, he discerns that the mind is unsurpassed. When the mind is concentrated, he discerns that the mind is concentrated. When the mind is not concentrated, he discerns that the mind is not concentrated. When the mind is released, he discerns that the mind is released. When the mind is not released, he discerns that the mind is not released.
"In this way he remains focused internally on the mind in & of itself, or externally on the mind in & of itself, or both internally & externally on the mind in & of itself. Or he remains focused on the phenomenon of origination with regard to the mind, on the phenomenon of passing away with regard to the mind, or on the phenomenon of origination & passing away with regard to the mind. Or his mindfulness that 'There is a mind' is maintained to the extent of knowledge & remembrance. And he remains independent, unsustained by (not clinging to) anything in the world. This is how a monk remains focused on the mind in & of itself.
satipatthana suttaI was experiencing some practice doubt, i.e. thinking about how to practice, what constitutes "liberation" etc... Many times I have simply gone on and on, acting out the doubt in thought word and deed, spinning the topics around in my head and reading books and webpages in a never-ending cycle. Many other times I have attempted to suppress the doubt via focusing away from it or yelling at myself or whatever. Rarely do I take the standard mindfulness advice of just observing it without judgment, but also without "indulging" in it. That is what I did, and the doubt totally dissolved in seconds. I just felt all of the emotional sensations, noticed all the thoughts, considered how often I had gone down the doubt-road before and the effect it had on me and others. Rather than it feeling "disgusting" as it usually does when I realize I had fallen for the doubt again, this time it just felt empty, like a bad joke[1]. Like "ok man, we can just stop already."
Anyways, the doubt dissolved and I enjoyed the rest of the day in, I felt very well, very peaceful, friendly etc. I noticed that those around me were uplifted and there was an absence of the typical power struggles I normally feel with others, as well as an absence of discontent in general. What was really striking to me, more so than all the other stuff I just mentioned, was the sheer effortlessness of it. Once the anxiousness and doubt were wholeheartedly let go of, the good mood was just what naturally was reverted to, no intention to sustain it or keep attention firm or anything was necessary.
Anyway since that happened I have shifted my practice to simply keeping track of all the subtle mood shifts, catching them, and then... well that's it really, just letting them be there and standing next to them. It occurred to me with that big ceasing of doubt that left such an impression that the difference between this practice and others which have also aimed at eliminating unfortunate mind-states is that this one didn't try to rush the deal. It didn't try to speed the process up or get rid of the discomfort as fast as possible. It was a genuine listening, a receptive observation. A genuine "what is this? why is it here?". It wanted to understand the suffering rather than just kill it as fast as possible. It was a much more friendly approach to the emotion, and it led to that empty feeling of "wow, i genuinely don't need this any more, no part of me wants this to continue."
Normally one part really wants the emotion and I "split" myself by creating an ideal that says "that emotion shouldn't be there" and then try to use the ideal to crush the other part of me that wants the emotion to stay. I think maybe I had to do that 100,000 times before realizing how misguided and disingenuous it was. I am going to work on just going no farther than keeping track of my mind-state and being with it. My goal is to always consciously know what mood I am in, i.e. to practice cittanupassana, and then to be with the emotion and listen to it's story. I'll report on what happens.
-Adam
[1] you know how sometimes someone tells a joke in poor taste, trying to hard to be funny, and it is just so universally obvious to everyone that he or she just "fucked up"... it's so obvious that it was a bad joke that no one really has to say anything and it just feels awkward, and you kind of feel sorry for the poor guy because he is not gonna say anything else for the next hour... that's what this wholehearted disinterest in the doubt was like.