Dear All,
In spring last year I completed a three month retreat where I believe I experienced fruition and notable after effects
(link). Subsequently, I experienced a long period of intense dark night that lasted around 4-5 months
(link). Whilst my faith has always remained strong, there were occasions when I had to wonder what was going on. However, time and continued practice have made a big difference. Around 6 months after the long retreat I took it in mind to really try and deepen my shamata practice (as advised on here) and a few weeks later, whilst just following the breath, I felt a shift and a deeper unlocking… something finally unknotted and I could breath more deeply… ahh relief. That night I slept properly for the first time in a few weeks.
Since then there has been a greater experience of space than before. Taking useful pointers from Fitter to keep ‘encouraging the nervous system to grow the way you want [following path]’ I’ve used plenty of direct pointing (in particular Douglas Harding’s classic ‘on having no head’) as a way to reflect on not-self. Doing so whilst walking to work, on the bus or just sitting down often leads to a shift in consciousness, into a sense of greater space and clarity, which can last from seconds to notably longer periods.
As these changes have been happening I’ve increasingly felt that things are playing out as they need to. For example, during a one week retreat over New Year it often felt as though ‘I was being meditated’ as opposed to ‘me trying to meditate’. However, I’ve also started to notice odd experiences that I would welcome some advice on. These are harder to describe but include internal ‘pulses’ or ‘shifts’ that last no more than half a second - almost like the brief weightless feeling one gets when driving over a bridge quickly. The internal experience quickly settles down but a little like placing the same poles of two magnets together (i.e. close but forever separated).
This evening after work I had a sit and experienced one of the pulses with my eyes closed and had a sense of visible ‘fog’ passing before the back of my eyelids. At other (unrelated) times, I’ve also noticed that my peripheral vision can ‘judder’ and be more alive than stationary backgrounds usually are. I must add none of this feels unwelcome or unpleasant – actually quite interesting – but also a little strange. At first I wondered if I was cycling again and experiencing fruitions but the pulses/shift don’t have the same hard ‘blib’ (i.e. cessation) quality experienced last year. One other thing to note is sometimes when the pulse/shift is strong enough I wonder if I might faint. This has led me to consider if there is something wrong physiologically but I have to say my intuition dismisses this. Perhaps they are just ‘raptures’ that Daniel mentions in MCTB (p. 67)?
However, I’ve also noticed a deeper and sustained appreciation/ understanding of the Dharma over the last few months and the fact that practice is truly possible. For sure, I still have strongs experience of the dukka nanas but the increased sense of space makes them more manageable, less persuasive and quicker to pass through (and a useful source of reflection). So, overall, awareness is as awareness does and practice continues but any feedback would be welcome!
Thanks very much,
Nick