| | Some updates. For me, the most intense insight moments seem to happen on walks, out in public usually, which can be a little awkward, but maybe thats for a reason. I seem to hit the fear nanas every time I talk to an attractive girl (in real life, not Facebook) (really, I've experienced it on the cushion as well and they are almost indistinguishable. A sinking, shrinking feeling in the lower chest coupled with the desire to jump out of my skin, climb the Middle Pillar and get out of the whole circus).
One moment that I think qualifies as true insight occurred while I was walking, noting wordlessly, "hitting with the mind" (which I find is far more effective) , listening to music, timing my breath and foot motions with the drum beats, inhaling on the kick drum and exhaling on the snare. I had a flash of images of a musician I've admired, and had a bone deep conviction that I was really seeing an image of myself, a projection that I'd created of myself as I'd like to be and that I've tried in the past to become. These flashes occurred in time with my foot steps and breath, and didn't last more than a few seconds. But I think I've had some small insight into the process of "selfing".
Annata dreams continue, and are growing more sinister and frightening, often involving themes of Tantric ritual that I've never practiced in my own life. I'll share these privately if anyone is interested.
My sits are becoming much harder, which makes me think I've fallen back into Re-Observation, which is kicking my ass, frankly. I can still sit, but often change my posture several times throughout an hour sit, as the pain in my legs gets unbearable. Last sit was this morning; I had these weird pains in my sides and lower back; I practiced breathing "into" them and that seemed to lessen the pain, then I had these intense waves of heat cropping up all over my body. This used to be a pleasant part of jhana, but now its neither painful nor pleasant, especially compared to the pain in my legs and lower torso. I also experienced some fine vibrations on my face, which lasted for most of the sit. I'm not sure what to do when these occur; I just tried to stay with the breath and watch them; they just kind of hung out on my mug until I ended the sit; about 5 min later, as I was drinking a cup of joe, I had this wave of tingles spread from my head to toes in a shudder, which was interesting. |