So a couple of thoughts (which partly address John's comments about goals above, and partly me talking aloud). I have been reading more David Chapman, and he has been articulating a lot my issues I have had in my experience with Buddhism (much better than I could).
"Realistically, in future, most people will approach Western Vajrayana with a Consensus Buddhist background. After a few years of vipassana, they realize that it’s pointing in the wrong direction for them, and they want a path of vivid, full-blooded, creative engagement. Yet, the vipassana they’ve done will be excellent preparation—because emptiness is the base for tantra. The only difficulty is in deprogramming all their Consensus ideology."
http://meaningness.wordpress.com/2012/09/11/pure-land/
One of the issues I have been dealing with (though in a pretty rapid timescale, from programming to deprogramming), which started in a big way since A&P, has been working on my deprogramming. And at times the emotional fall out of that has ended up on these shores.
A compounded issue is yana confusion (which has also has caused me confusion/problems here). Chapman suggests that yanas are primarily about goals rather than methods. I have historically been more drawn to Mahayana approaches (happiness for all beings) than Hinayana (happiness for yourself), but theoretically rather than emotionally. Emotionally (and sun-consciously) there is a "removal of suffering" draw, and could never fully rationally get behind Mahayana, despite trying hard. And the more I learn about Vajrayana, or at least about what a naturalised Vajrayana might look like, then the more it articulates what I think I am looking for as a goal, and explains why I have been so dissatisfied with other forms (e.g. Zen, Theravada).
And with regard to methods?
[quote= Daniel m Ingram (from another thread] "I would seriously consider starting Theravada, getting stream entry and perhaps second path from the Mahasi kids first and then a good sense of what really strong concentration is from the Pau Auk kids, and then take that into the Vajrayana, and you will already have what you need to visualize really well as well as having established a direct understanding of ultimate bodhichitta, which is essential to that path, and be able to see that the endless fascination with ritual and the rest of the hyper-abundant trappings and politics and personality stuff may, at best, be skillful means, as Attachment to Rites and Rituals will be profoundly lessened if not eliminated, and so you will be able to have the wide, vibrant acceptance that the Vajrayana offers without its obvious initial traps that so confuse most people who get into it before they were really ready for it. Dzogchen and its related perspectives really help with 3rd path territory. "
(note for a former giant alien space monster, he can be quite wise). I already do have this perspective, roughly speaking, but posting about it is just a way of reminding myself and articulating more clearly.
My enthusiasm for "enlightenment" waxes and wanes, partly because I don't believe in "it". And to get "stream entry" for the goal of self-benefit seems lame in the grand scheme of things, and self-defeating in setting up the system of belief that there is something wrong that I need to fix (from a Mahayana/Zen perspective, e.g. I am perfect as I am etc…).
But my conscious rationalising is that it is a stepping stone. John mentioned the
Mahamudra Meditation Center guide which he is working with. I found it ages ago, and it looks super cool. I can't wait to get the easy access to jhanas and increased concentration that is supposed to come with SE to use as a platform to explore that territory.
Often the idea of stream entry seems nice, but then I think, everything is just fine as it, if it happens then great, no big deal (I guess this is an equanimity trap). I almost have the expectation that it will just happen naturally without trying. And this is where MCTB and the Theravada comes in saying, get your arse in gear, and do the work! Discipline, perseverance, determination etc..
So, I am reminded myself that no matter how nice the bright lights of dzogchen and its ilk, I need to put in the cushion time and get that concentration strong. It is not an earth shattering realisation but I do need to be hit over the head with it regularly (which is part of the reason I am here).
p.s.
I have trying to figure out how "actual freedom" fits into yanas, and I don't think it fits well, but it feels like in methods and goals Vajrayana would be the best match.