| | 6/3/14 Coming out of dark night
Something happened today. There is a good chance I might be out of the dark night.
Looking back, I think the stage was set by me dealing with a particular thing in my life that needed to be dealth with. It was time to move forward in life and I took a step in that direction during the day.
Until this time I was pretty miserable for a little more than a month. I dreaded sitting, felt great irritation, great disenchantment from dailiy life etc. The meditation I did was my mindfulness during the day when I'm walking and driving, and lying down after going to bed. I did force myself to attend group meditations which actually made it possible to sit. Also metta meditation helped a lot too.
Back to today, when I went to bed I went into meditation mode. There was a strong desire for getting out of this "thing".
All this time I had been trying to keep my attention on the breath and it wasn't "working". This time, with feelings of having given up, desperation, and experimentation I decided to spend conscious effort to not concentrate on the breath. It was me trying to do the exact opposite of what I've had been doing so far. Everytime I noticed myself "trying concentrate on the breath", or "effort", or "trying", I made myself stop doing it. Which was more difficult than I thought.
Then a cool thing happened. I think what I did allowed my awareness to open wider and wider. I mean I could feel it get wider. Now my concentration was on keeping it wide.
The following is going to sound very similar to descriptions I've read here and in MCTB. As I felt my awareness open up, what it felt like was two things trying to get in phase with each other. That's the best and probably only way I can describe the experience. First I noticed the out-of-phaseness of it, and the irritation that comes from it. As I kept my concentration on the experience, they got closer and closer in phase. But my concentration caved in after a while. So I gave it a second go. By this time it was clear to me that I was up to something. Something was happening. (Maybe here for the sake of objectivity, I should note that before this event I was aware of the model of awareness and reality coming in phase. I had been fascinated by it and there was probably some anticipation and expectation for it) Second time I applied stronger concentration and resolve and it happened. They came in phase.
Then followed a sense of relief, a sense of "finally", a sense of a weight being lift off and things falling in their place. A sense of peace.
I have experienced the 4th jhana before, and there is definitely something familiar in the quality of my current experience.
This feels very much like what I imagined coming out of dark night would feel like. There is a lot of ease, peace, wide awareness, and not a lot of the agitation and the high of A&P. It is in line with the descriptions of equanimity in MCTB.
There is an effortlessness to my ability to be present.
I have a very different perspective to my daily problems. They are still there obviously, but seem so much more manageable. I generally know how to deal with them, and I have the confidence that I can deal with them. For the ones I can't deal with at the moment, I'm accepting of that fact.
The sensations of anxiety are still there, but again they are much less of a problem. There is much less identification with them. They take up a much smaller percentage of my awareness. When they arise, it is easy for me to notice and come back to the moment.
I feel good about myself. There are deep senses of wonder, gratefulness, some joy, accomplishment, and a sense of being on my way to something. I mean I might actually be out of this freaking dark night...
I feel the need to again thank this community, especially Daniel Ingram for reasons that I think are obvious.
Advice about what may lie ahead on the way to stream entry are appreciated. |