Thank you for your replies.
I have addressed some of your concerns by changing the text. I understand the most voiced criticism that there is little in it about others. Thank you for bringing that up.
There is a reason why that happens. I have had phases during my path when I thought of and promoted it as something that would make the world a better place. Coincidentally, that was also one of the most selfish periods in my life ever, and there was a whole "us meditators saving the world" thing going on back then which was totally egocentric and self-congratulatory. The association stuck, and I am not sure I will ever be able to think of myself as "wanting to help others by meditating" without strong suspicion of narcisistic overtones.
I have heard highly accomplished practitioners say that them being at peace is also really good for others, but I am somewhat suspicious of such an assessment comming from someone who has essentially devoted their life to meditation, and has their own meaning-of-life narrative wrapped up around that. Furthermore, I have heard stories of people who, from a subjective experience of peace and innocence, or of universal love and unconditional happiness, have acted in very selfish, self-serving ways (the
guruphiliac blog is a great source for these).
At best, even if I am capable of having a "helping others" mentality without my typical self-serving holier-than-them pitfalls, the idea that "me meditating will help other people" seems overly optimistic, and lacking in evidence.
My most honest assessment is that I am not doing this for others, that I am doing it for myself. Partly out of compulsion --- I have tried to stop meditating, and failed to do so --- and partly due to a sincere desire for my own well being --- as evidenced by my willingness to exercise, change my diet, keep good sleeping habbits, etc.
I will already consider it a non-trivial achievement if my parents don't get too worried about my meditation retreat, and if I remain normal and sane enough so as not to creep out my friends with my non-standard choices. From what I can gauge of their comments and concerns regarding this retreat, avoiding these things will take some care on my part. My fondest hope is that by taking whatever path I am taking, I will find personal satisfaction without hurting others in the process.
This spirit of not-hurting-others was already present in the first version of the text (it was the first item among the things I don't want to happen), but I agree that it was not emphasized enough, nor detailed enough, and that it nonetheless is an intention about which I feel very strongly. I have emphasized this more in the text below, but I will develop it even further in forthcomming revisions (especially section 3, formerly section 2, needs more detail).
Claudiu: I have changed the text according to the first two of your objections. As for the metaphysical part, I mean it in the general "highly abstract" sense (dictionary says: "(a) concerned with abstract thought or subjects, as existence, causality, or truth; (b) concerned with first principles and ultimate grounds, as being, time, or substance; (c) imaginary or fanciful." that's pretty much the conceptual cloud I was thinking of).
I suspect you may have interpreted it in the less usual "beyond the realm of the senses" meaning. What I actually mean is: I don't want to fall into narratives like "Oh, THIS is the meaning of life!" or "Oh, so we are all one with the source" or some other very-pleasurable, abstract-yet-pointless narrative. If your objection still stands, which it well might, please explain it more clearly, so that I may understand it better.
Chris: with regards to understanding myself better, I have changed the text to reflect that. Ultimately I am more concerned with understanding skillfulness; I have also updated the text to reflect this.
Claudiu and Chris: With regards to the different kinds of concentration, I have changed the text to make it clearer. Also Richard mentioned mindfulness, and I was pretty much using the word concentration in a less technical way than I should have.
What I have read about mindfulness and concentration, by people who devoted quite some time into developing them, is that practicing meditation can drastically change your baseline level of these skills, in a way that is useful for your daily life. This is what I am aiming at.
Big Nothing: Heh

I would say that if you can choose
not to suffer under the weight of your own narrative, then you are no longer really part of it. As if there was a play happening, where no-one but you knows he is acting, no-one but you is aware that it's all just a play. The actors who don't know it is just a play live it much more intensely than you ever possibly could. You might play along and do your lines, but you are just doing lines. To them, it is all real... as in
really real, not play-along real. In other words: you can't have the cake and eat it, too.
Katy, I totally agree

I think that in order to act morally, and do so effectively, you have to see and feel the pain of acting imorally. I stop pursuing any given course of action (such as a sensual pleasure) only when I see for myself the disadvantages of doing so, not sooner. To decide that something is bad before seeing it with my own eyes, that would never stick... For instance, I finally stoped smoking when I could directly feel the pain that it caused to my body; those "smoking is bad for you" adds didn't do much.
Because of this, the main goal of my retreat, I have come to realize, is to develop the ability to distinguish skillful from unskillful actions. Discernment requires concentration. So I have updated my text to reflect that. As for morality... well, I don't know about that.
sawfoot_: I understand what you are saying and that is a legitimate perspective. But not one I adhere to. I was never a fan of the zen or mahayana points of view, they always felt like empty chatter to me. For me the goal of meditation is to change my mind, to improve (hopefully) the way it works. My
only goal in meditation is to become more happy, to be more concentrated, be more balanced, etc. I think that these are worthwhile goals, and they are already quite ambitious.
I am no longer part of a save-the-world movement, I burned myself with that kind of thing once already, as I explained above, and so I subscribe to katty's point of view on this matter.
Also: I don't particularly think that meditating will make me a better person --- I'm sure that will depend on who you ask

But I do hope it makes my life more sane and enjoyable, while hopefully not adding too many jerk-points to my already high personal score.
Richard Thank you for the practical hints. I will consider keeping a log to note repeating patterns that get in the way of the practice. I will also resort to metta if vibratory phenomena becomes unwieldy. I will also keep in mind your pointer to "note mind states" if the chatter becomes too dominating.
Hmm... as for concentration vs mindfulness, I was not using the term concentration in a very precise sense, but I definitely should have done so. I have updated that section accordingly.
Are you claiming that concentration, in the sense of mental stillness (not in the sense of sustained mental focus on a given theme, I actually think mindfulness is the correct term for that), represses psychological stuff? That is very surprising to me. I admit that I have little experience with concentration practices, but what I have read by Thanissaro Bhikkhu says that concentration is brought about by progressive refinement of experience, which results in
increased sensitivity rather than dulled sensitivity. Also Leigh Brasington said, in a cheetah house interview, that the intense stillness of concentration retreats often causes psychological material to bubble up to the surface (something I had already taken note of as a preparation to avoid going nuts).
So here it is, the updated text. New parts are in red. Again, any comments are welcome. I plan to work on the text until it is good enough to print and put on the wall. Perhaps a poem version is forthcomming, for the extra magickal juice, but I'd like to have it polished before that.
1 The goal of my retreat is to develop discernment
I want to be able to distinguish, in the most immediate and effective way possible, those actions and inclinations that bring about beneficial outcomes from those that bring about detrimental results. Distinguishing skillful from unskillful actions and inclinations: this is discernment.
I know that this ability to distinguish requires sensitivity to what is advantageous and what is not, the ability to clearly see and feel that which is important and to filter out the remaining noise. So I hope to develop concentration.
I know that concentration is the fruit of a well-established attention to what is going on, the ability to stay with experience with consistency and singleness of purpose. So I hope to develop mindfulness.
I know that mindfulness is brought about with repeated and unwavering effort, the practical knowledge of how to use my bodily and mental resources on the task at hand. So I hope to develop persistence.
I know that persistence is founded on conviction, for there is no harduous task that can be successfully accomplished without anticipating the benefit to be had in accomplishing it. And so I hope to keep in my mind, clear and well-remembered, my motives and intentions.
2 These are my Motives and Intentions
1.1 I feel that something is left unsolved.
My depression has triggered a feeling of existential angst, as if something is amiss. This was not there before.
This actively taints and corrupts my well-being and joi-de-vivre, and I want to fix it.From whichever perspective I take, it seems to me that something has changed drastically, and that the switch is irreversible. It is as if I have seen something about how the mind works, that I didn't see before. Then the question remains: what to do about it?
There seem to be two possibilities: do nothing, letting the process progress at whichever pace it chooses, or meditate hence accelerating the process. I chose to meditate. On one hand, I hate living in this limbo, this no-man's-land when I am neither oblivious to the problem nor have I addressed it in any way.
I choose to meditate in the hope that
I can further understand how my mind works, and that this will help me resolve my existential angst, so that I can then live the rest of my life focused on other things.
1.2 I want to have more mindfulness and concentration
Throughout the last few years, my mindfulness --- the ability of my mind to stay with a chosen theme --- and my concentration --- the sensitivity of my mind, its ability to stay silent and unperturbed --- have varied a lot. Because of these ups and downs, I have come to realize the value of these two mental faculties. Life is more fun during the periods I can stick with what I am doing without distractions. I am happier and more productive during these periods. So I want to have more mindfulness and concentration.
These skills, for me, are not an end in themselves, but rather a particularly valuable tool which can be used for other purposes. As such, I want to develop them in a way that allows me to apply them to other activities.I
came to believe that meditation can help me establish reliable (even flawless) mindfulness and concentration, both as on-demand skills, and as an ongoing baseline. I want both of these skills for my life, and hence I will meditate in order to develop them.
1.3 I want emotional and energetic balance
Throughout the last few years, my mood has had had great swings, and my energetic system has alternated between states of great dullness and overstimulation.
I have seen the disadvantages of both depression and euphoria, and I would rather be free of both. I want to live in a balanced way, that allows me to be happy but not frenetic, engaged but not obsessed, acknowledging of pain but not utterly incapacitated by it. I want to be free of energetic blockages and conductive of nerve signals, but not electrocuted by my own energy; I want my mind to be open and free but not spaced out or distant.
I
came to believe that meditation can solve my energetic imbalances, and lead me to a reliable source of happiness, both as an on-demand quick fix (as in jhana), and as an ongoing baseline of peace and balance. I want this for my life, and hence I will meditate.
1.4 I want to bring some aspects of psychedelic experiences into my daily life
Psychedelic experiences clearly stand out as a pointer to how fascinating and engaging life can be. Certain aspects of these experiences, such as the openness of mind, the fascination with experience, the brightness and beauty of perception, are really great, and would make my life much more fun, provided they can be present in a sustainable, balanced way.
I
came to believe that meditation can bring these aspects to the fore in such a way. Hence I will meditate, in the hope of such realization.
3 These are the things I don't want
Here is a list of things I don't want.
For each such example, I know of someone who has succumbed to it. May I be protected from these things.- To cause grief or burden my friends and family. Including, but not limited to:
- Becoming disengaged from or disinterested in or indifferent to these people.
- Valuing my own meditative attainment more than the well-being of these people.
- Having a mind so specialized and disconnected from common-sense view, that I can no longer participate properly in their way of life.
- Go mad, including but not limited to:
- Buying into some metaphysical narrative.
- Buying into some prophetic narrative.
- Not being able to focus in a functional, context-dependent way.
- Loosing interest in everything except meditation.
- Become energetically unbalanced, as in frying my nerves with excessive energy. I want to be balanced and stable as much as possible all the way, so that my retreat is as consistent and consistently successful as possible.
- I don't think that living in a permanent LSD trip is neither possible nor desireable. I would like to avoid the aspect of very-high almost-fever-like energy, as I don't consider it sustainable or beneficial, and the inconvenient loss of executive functioning, which would prevent me from doing many every-day tasks.