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john.watcher's explorations

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john.watcher's explorations
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6/25/14 10:15 PM
Hello everyone and thank you for reading.

This is my practice log and it has the obvious purposes of allowing:
  1. For others to read - this has the benefit of allowing others to guide me and to be guided by me.
  2. For me to read - which may motivate and remind me of what I passed through.
Therefore, if you find something interesting here and want to know more, please ask. Also, if you can add something helpful, please do so.

Initially I will describe how I got interested in buddhism and meditation, then I will give a background on how my practice has been developing.

My aim is to post at least 3 times a week, the more the merrier.

--

My interest in buddhism goes back to when I was about 15-16 (I am 20 now), when I got interested a little bit in meditation and other explorations of the mind such as lucid dreams etc. Unfortunately I didn't find much to go on and was not interested enough to be a real practitioner back then.

About one year ago, though, my interest came back in a much stronger way. It didn't start with buddhism itself, but with general 'philosophy' along with psychedelics (what a nice mix).

I was often with a friend who is quite intelligent and on late summer and through autumn of 2013 we had some life-changing experiences, not 100% mystical in nature. We would spend afternoons tripping on LSD while walking through a park or maybe downtown, simply observing with awe the shattered reality which is the psychedelic experience. After walking we usually went to a pub nearby and talked about the nature of the mind, of the universe, of society, of arts and related things.

At that time I began to discover that I am not a separate being, that my mind is not disconnected with the outside and that the world has a much more beautiful aspect to it than I thought possible. Although at that time I didn't put it on these terms, I guess I would have agreed with that previous statement back then.

Around October of 2013 I started listening to Alan Watts' audio lessons, which actually I strongly recommend to anyone. The things he said would 95% of the time explain something that I was aware of but hadn't quite got the grips of what it was. In simpler terms, Alan Watts' lessons untangled my view of the world.

Therefore I started getting more interested in buddhism and meditation. My practice would basically consist on sitting and get lost in thought while trying not to get lost in thought. The reason for this, I think, is that I didn't have a clear goal nor method on meditation because I had not yet found guidance which really resonated with me. It was rare the occasions that I did practice, although I remember some occasions when I felt a very strong bliss during meditation back then.


--

After reading MCTB things changed. This book changed completely my course in life (if I am to say such thing). Daniel's concise writing with undogmatic approach and powerful statements strongly resonated with what I had been finding during the 4~6 months of self exploration prior to reading it.

Therefore, I suddenly found myself with this goldmine in hands. It provided me with all the material necessary to reboot my approach of cushion-time, retuning the settings and rebalancing my efforts. Also, having a clear goal: enlightment, and knowing it is possible, renewed my faith.


--

I started working right away on setting my Morality right, getting grips with my daily life and transforming my relationships with the world and with myself onto something I was proud of. This instantly affected my practice: my thoughts got to a 'less sticky' consistence, gradually becoming something which I could simply let go of since I knew that my way on living life was on the right tracks.

Regarding the cushion-time, my first objective was to consistently reach 1st jhana with breathing techniques.
After some weeks of half-assed practice (about 30 mins a day, 3 to 4 times a week) I was comfortable on reaching 1st jhana.

Then I worked on solidifying that state further. I got there a few times, with strong concentration on the breath and highly blissful states, but my practice started to be even more sparse for I was busy with college and other stuff, which is not really and excuse, since I could have found the time.

Fast forwarding a little bit, some weeks ago I started vipassana practice. At first I was not very comfortable with it as I was with samathi, in such way that I was not finding the cushion time as productive as I knew it could be. After reviewing some chapters of MCTB Part 1 I was back on track and my meditation started to regain speed.

My last few practices consisted of rising in concentration with the breath as object into a solid samathi jhana and then begin investigating the present moment with noting practice. Usually, I start noting the rising and falling of the breath and then begin to add other sensations that are being shown. After some time I usually drop the noting and stay with the present moment as it shows itself, being mindful of whatever my attention gets contact with.

I have been able to easily detect vibrations on my body while meditating, more so in the hands, which sometimes I try to sync with and notice every component of the vibration, other times I keep noticing it but choose to not place too much attention.

With this background, I begin my practice log.

RE: john.watcher's explorations
Answer
6/25/14 10:37 PM as a reply to john.watcher.
26-Jun-2014

Practice: Absorption/Concentration

On the last few days my practices were focused on vipassana and yesterday's evening vipassana was kind of sloppy, without the necessary concentration to really enable me to notice the present moment without wandering.

Therefore today I focused on concentration by itself to strengthen it. After reading parts of this wonderful post I felt like doing that.

The practice started with balance but uninteresting. Although my mind was wandering, the thoughts weren't particulally catchy and therefore it wasn't necessary too big an efort to place my attention on the breath.

For about 10~15 minutes, though I was calm and mindfull I guess I was focusing too much on trying to reach absorption instead of simply letting it take place (it was necessary to apply more focus on the breath and less on excluding everything else).

Around the 20~ minute mark I felt a strong and blissful sensation linked to the breath. I danced with it for a while but at a certain point the good feeling was too strong, what throwed my concentration off balance. I guess next time I need to stay more equanimous to it and let it flow more freely.

For more 5~10 minutes I was still concentrated but not as much as before so I ended the meditation.

The tranquility is still present on me while I write, though it is already fading. I feel the meditation session was very worthwhile nonetheless.

That feeling around the 20th minute left me with a increased curiosity regarding the concentration jhanas. I am not sure which state I was or what is the furthest state I ever reached on samathi practice, but in any case it is worth investigating (eg. practice).

RE: john.watcher's explorations
Answer
6/28/14 12:08 AM as a reply to john.watcher.
These last few days I've been having some thoughts regarding no-self. I am starting to see quite clearly the impermanence of what I used to suppose was myself. During my daily life it is noticeable, when I am mindful, that thoughts are actually disconnected from eachother (this seems rather obvious by now..).

Walking down the street, see a pretty woman. Think of the pretty woman for 3 sec, see a car X that reminds me of something and think about that something for 2sec, then a bike goes by .. etc etc
The mindfulness is very helpful in showing how far your mind can go in such a short time..

The 'thinking self' does not sustain itself. It is fluid, sometimes occupying a large portion of the space (awareness), sometimes barely noticeable. Strangely (still obviously) enough, when the light of attention shines upon the thought-machine it tends to change its behaviour. How the hell could it be 'the total me' if it seems so independent and disconnected? Thoughts simply arise and pass away. Thats it.

I was reading some of the ideas of David Hume and under his investigation, he found that if you observe your thoughts well enough, it is noticeable that they don't compose a 'person' but more like a 'nation': although temporary, they tend to keep some of the characteristics of their content from 'generation to generation'. Maybe I am interpreting this wrong but anyway it is something to keep in mind.

--

26-Jun-14:
Practice: Simple concentration on breath
It started normally - 5 min of applying attention to breath, then things start to work and the attention on the breath started to have less deviations..

~10 min into practice I was able to keep my attention on the breath but there were still some distractions, though brief. ~20 min things started to work and I could feel some deep concentration starting to get a hold, but practice was interrupted at ~30min into practice with a knock on the door.

I am still not satisfied with the amount of effort I need to apply to reach jhana. It could be less of a hassle, so I'll keep working on it.


27-Jun-14:
Practice: Rise in Concentration -> start vipassana
After making the resolve of the practice, I started bringing the attention to the breath as always and things were better than yesterday. My mind seemed less bothered by distractions.

After ~20 min of concentration on the breath, I started to notice the impermanence of this object by breaking it into smaller pieces.

After getting comfortable with this, started to notice sound of cars passing by and other sounds in general and likewise breaking them into the present bits. I was getting a balance on the vipassana practice, although no 'big event' happened.
Again after about 30 min into practice there was a knock on the door and a meditation interrupted.

RE: john.watcher's explorations
Answer
6/30/14 10:45 PM as a reply to john.watcher.
30-Jun-14

Its usual when I practice Insight meditation for me to start by making a resolution, then concentrating on the breath and after my mind is stable enough I proceed to some kind of insight practice. Today the insight part started with noting, but it was too slow to use words and I guess more a hindrance to the practice than a support. The present moment was more easily observable through bare awareness with the occasional noting of something in particular.

Therefore, I was able to stay in a good rhythm of vipassana by noticing all I could of the present moment, which led to the strengthening of some insights I previously had, mainly regarding mind and body, cause and effect and the three characteristics (to use MCTB nomenclature).

My last practices have been leading to pain in my upper back muscles and today after a certain point (~30 min into practice) I started messing with my posture. As described in MCTB these seems classic 3C's Stage symptoms.
Another evidence of this stage is the fact that I have been needing lots of sleep during the last ~2 weeks, often sleeping for more than 10 hours a night..

Enough of the diagnosis, though. I'll try and meditate at least 2 times a day for this next week at least and see what happens.

RE: john.watcher's explorations
Answer
7/3/14 8:37 PM as a reply to john.watcher.
Practice has been slow. For some reason I've not been able to get a good rhythm on practice.. My concentration is again subpar, maybe because of some stuff I need to work outside the cushion.

RE: john.watcher's explorations
Answer
7/4/14 3:38 AM as a reply to john.watcher.
john.watcher:
Practice has been slow. For some reason I've not been able to get a good rhythm on practice.. My concentration is again subpar, maybe because of some stuff I need to work outside the cushion.


Not intended as an excuse to avoid working on the off-cushion stuff, but: have you considered that while your concentration may indeed be different than before, you are now noticing more stuff in places you didn't notice them before, whereas the place you previously had no trouble keeping your attention on is becoming fuzzy and hard to notice? If so, this would be the textbook "can't concentrate on the center, periphery seems distracting" pattern of the dukkha ñanas. Or it could be ñanas 2&3 - 2 (Cause&Effect) can have this "thinking how one off-cushion thing leads to another off-cushion thing" aspect.

Just a blind, educated guess. Please cross-check with what is actually happening on-cushion.

Cheers,
Florian

(edited for clarity & more speculation)

RE: john.watcher's explorations
Answer
7/4/14 10:42 PM as a reply to Florian Weps.
Florian Weps:
have you considered that while your concentration may indeed be different than before, you are now noticing more stuff in places you didn't notice them before, whereas the place you previously had no trouble keeping your attention on is becoming fuzzy and hard to notice? If so, this would be the textbook "can't concentrate on the center, periphery seems distracting" pattern of the dukkha ñanas.


when I read your reply I thought "nah.. I don't think I'm on the DN.. its just a lack of effort or something similar"..
but today, as I was meditating, this characteristic of the center being fuzzy whereas the periphery is pronounced was actually there.. I guess it was as you said: textbook pattern of dukkha ñanas..

Anyway, during practice I was able to keep mindfulness on the present but it seemed a little bit different from what I was having before. It is like my edge has gone blunt.

On noticing this I stopped trying to produce a sharp focus and instead started letting it flow more freely, allowing even short thoughts into the mix along with the 5 senses.

At some point, maybe 20~ min into practice I noticed how much of a weight it was my mind trying to conceptualize what I was experiencing, so I "pressed the let go button", what produced a longer out-breath accompanied by a moderately good feeling. This actually happened 2 times.

Well.. I'll keep investigating! Thanks very much for your "educated guess". It may have saved me from a lot of trouble..

RE: john.watcher's explorations
Answer
7/7/14 12:57 AM as a reply to john.watcher.
From my last post it seemed as if I was quite certain about my entrance into Dissolution, and it is still a good guess. I am not sure because, honestly, whatever the stage I'm at, it is not bringing me such a hard time that seems to be so common in the DN, though the stage is not bringing me good feelings either.
One of the things I am experiencing is a feeling of being 'lost' in the Dharma.. while 2 weeks ago I was progressing clearly, now I'm not sure where I am and what to do with it.

Anyway, during practice I am now trying to get used to this wider focus when observing the present.. It is a bit unsettling since it feels different from what I have in my head as what should be happening. Fortunately this was already addressed on MCTB, bringing me reassurance: even not feeling like 'good practice', it is still progress. Another reassurance is that I am able to keep the rhythm going during practice.

On a side-note, I was pondering that if I am to reach stream entry this year, likely it would have to be until the end of the month (July), since in August I am back a routine which does not allow much free time. Also, stream entry does not seem close, unfortunately. A retreat would be great, but I live somewhere with a very small buddhist community (northeast of Brazil), so a 'self-retreat' is my only real option.

I need to practice more.

RE: john.watcher's explorations
Answer
7/7/14 5:48 AM as a reply to john.watcher.
john.watcher:
One of the things I am experiencing is a feeling of being 'lost' in the Dharma.. while 2 weeks ago I was progressing clearly, now I'm not sure where I am and what to do with it.


Note it.

Also, can you notice individual ñanas in a single sit as they arise?

Anyway, during practice I am now trying to get used to this wider focus when observing the present.. It is a bit unsettling since it feels different from what I have in my head as what should be happening.


It is very, very important to explore, observe, note what is actually happening, rather than trying to enact some kind of script. This is really important. This is what it's about - pay attention to what is actually happening.

If wide focus is happening, notice that. If narrow focus is happening, notice that. If "bad practice" is happening, notice that. If you are dissatisfied with it, notice that. And so on.

On a side-note, I was pondering that if I am to reach stream entry this year, likely it would have to be until the end of the month (July), since in August I am back a routine which does not allow much free time.


You could use more of your everyday activities as an opportunity for practice. Walking down the hallway? Walking meditation, note the footsteps. Waiting at a bus-stop? Great! Time for noting. Taking a shower? Note. Eating by yourself? Note the chewing, swallowing, tastes, etc.

Short sits can be really effective: no time to dally around with posture and whatever if you have only five minutes. Sometimes, that kind of "pressure" can really help.

Also, stream entry does not seem close, unfortunately. A retreat would be great, but I live somewhere with a very small buddhist community (northeast of Brazil), so a 'self-retreat' is my only real option.


Self-led retreats can be really effective, too, speaking from experience.

Also, meet some realized people! I don't have much of an opinion about "transmission effects", but there's something to seeing how alive and ordinary they are. Makes it really special!

Ona Kiser lives in Brazil. She's really into Roman Catholic mysticism at the moment, but not in a dogmatic way. She's not too heavily into (dogmatic) Theravada, but she knows the terminology. I think she's got a really good perspective on her realizations. Recommendation, but do with it what you like.

Cheers,
Florian

RE: john.watcher's explorations
Answer
7/7/14 12:30 PM as a reply to Florian Weps.
Florian Weps:

On a side-note, I was pondering that if I am to reach stream entry this year, likely it would have to be until the end of the month (July), since in August I am back a routine which does not allow much free time.


You could use more of your everyday activities as an opportunity for practice. Walking down the hallway? Walking meditation, note the footsteps. Waiting at a bus-stop? Great! Time for noting. Taking a shower? Note. Eating by yourself? Note the chewing, swallowing, tastes, etc.

Short sits can be really effective: no time to dally around with posture and whatever if you have only five minutes. Sometimes, that kind of "pressure" can really help.


Noting everything that occurs in daily life... Would this would help reinforce the characteristic of impermanence? I find it difficult to note and maintain mindfulness during the day because I do not know the theory behind it. Apologize for posting this in your log John but I found it funny that this was the only thread I read during work, where I was resolving to maintain mindfulness for the day but having difficulty doing so.

RE: john.watcher's explorations
Answer
7/7/14 4:20 PM as a reply to Jake WM.
Jake WM:
Noting everything that occurs in daily life... Would this would help reinforce the characteristic of impermanence? I find it difficult to note and maintain mindfulness during the day because I do not know the theory behind it. Apologize for posting this in your log John but I found it funny that this was the only thread I read during work, where I was resolving to maintain mindfulness for the day but having difficulty doing so.


Hm... impermanence is to be noticed, rather than reinforced. Maybe I understood you too literally.

Start with something you can do, such as noting the steps when you get up to walk to the water fountain or someting. Expand that as you gain confidence.

As to the theory: get some data points, some firsthand experience first, then try to fit it into some theory (or not). Or again, I may have misunderstood you; the theory is basically, "pay attention!".

Cheers,
Florian

RE: john.watcher's explorations
Answer
7/8/14 11:58 PM as a reply to Florian Weps.

Also, can you notice individual ñanas in a single sit as they arise?

I can notice shifts during practice, transitions that often I can't really say if its from ñana X to Y etc. But yes, I can feel a range of 'states' during practice.

It is very, very important to explore, observe, note what is actually happening, rather than trying to enact some kind of script. This is really important. This is what it's about - pay attention to what is actually happening.

If wide focus is happening, notice that. If narrow focus is happening, notice that. If "bad practice" is happening, notice that. If you are dissatisfied with it, notice that. And so on.

I'm aware of this, though it is good to be reminded how important it is simply accept the practice as it is happening.

Short sits can be really effective: no time to dally around with posture and whatever if you have only five minutes. Sometimes, that kind of "pressure" can really help.

Hmm.. I'll begin incorporating short sits.. Seems worth it. As for noticing stuff during daily activities, I'm doing that as often as I can. I've had good experiences by bringing awareness to bus-time, dish-washing time etc. Powerful stuff.

Self-led retreats can be really effective, too, speaking from experience.

That is very good to hear! I've sought for opinions here on DhO about this kind of retreat and many people have had good experiences. I'll program one for me.

Also, meet some realized people! I don't have much of an opinion about "transmission effects", but there's something to seeing how alive and ordinary they are. Makes it really special!

Ona Kiser lives in Brazil. She's really into Roman Catholic mysticism at the moment, but not in a dogmatic way. She's not too heavily into (dogmatic) Theravada, but she knows the terminology. I think she's got a really good perspective on her realizations. Recommendation, but do with it what you like.

I've looked into her websites and really seems very interesting. I hadn't heard about her. I was once studying on other kinds of mysticism, including magick, though I didn't go far into it. I'm still interested though and she may be a good source of information. Thanks for the indication.

Still as a response to you Florian, I'd like to thank you very much for your attention. I feel welcome and supported on DhO, which is nice!

--

07-Jun-14
I woke up feeling sick because of some bad stuff I ate on the evening of the previous day, so I was quite miserable since morning. I meditated shortly after waking up and the pain was greatly reduced during practice, only to come back after I left the cushion.

As the day passed I started feeling better. On the evening I meditated again, and it brought me to attention many feelings and emotional tones which coloured the practice. Usually this does not happen. I was able to stay with it and enjoy the ride anyway.

After meditating, during the night, I had some strong mood swings and thoughts about my life and identity. This ceased some time before laying to sleep, when I was quite peaceful.

08-Jun-14
Spent the day quite busy, but mindfulness is now easy to maintain during daily life and not only at the cushion. Thoughts from yesterday's realizations still linger in my head but they are helpful and not harmful.

I meditated on the evening and some interesting stuff happened. First of all, my concentration seems to be getting back on track, more easily attained and sustained than the previous days'. Second, I barely noticed any irritation from practicing. Actually it was quite easy and fun from the beginning. I think this hadn't really happened since the day I had a feeling of great rapture (A&P?), which was the day before I posted here on the log about concentration being weak.

After about 30 minutes into practice I had a somewhat strange experience. I was feeling peaceful, but nothing out of the ordinary (for practice). Then on the start of a out-breath there quickly rose a feeling of rapture which was sustained until the end of the breath, with some moments of a different clarity. It happened again on the following out-breath. Meanwhile, my head dropped frontwards, whatever the reason. Hard to explain. I was mindful of this and trying to examine this 'process' moment to moment, having in mind that it would be dangerous to solidify it, in order to gain insight from it.

RE: john.watcher's explorations
Answer
7/9/14 8:49 PM as a reply to john.watcher.
09-Jul-14

Practice was similar to yesterday's, plus a sense that some kind of shift is happening (noticed properly). I'm more motivated to practice because of that.

During meditation I am noticing a broader focus, more inclusive of what is happening, though sometimes one of the senses may become more pronounced.
It is easy to maintain this state of inclusion and tranquility.

Another mentionable thing that is happening is some occurrences of me 'catching' my sense of self in the act. This is another one of those hard to explain stuff, probably because of my inexperience with it. It is like I'm having a thought and suddenly it hits me how I'm identifying with it, showing me the no-self characteristic very clearly. This brings a strong and strange sensation that fades quickly, like if I have realized something important, but that I already knew.

RE: john.watcher's explorations
Answer
7/11/14 11:07 PM as a reply to john.watcher.
10-Jul-14 + 11-Jul-14
Again, practice not very different from the last few days. More pain on the upper back, though.

I've kind of reached the conclusion that I was wrong on some of my previous 'diagnostics' regarding stages. (writing this for the record..)

I am adding more effort on noting during daily life, with some good results. One example is mindfulness during my time on the computer. Since my time has been consumed a lot by programming/reading/etc on the computer, I need to be good at not wandering by during these periods. If I am moving the mouse to close a window, note moving, if waiting to load, waiting etc. Don't know why I wasn't doing this before. Guess its just a matter of putting effort.

RE: john.watcher's explorations
Answer
7/19/14 6:36 PM as a reply to john.watcher.
Although I am not posting as often as I was before, that is just because there is not many new things happening worth mentioning. That doesn't mean I'm not progressing.

I am being able to note faster and faster on each sit, more clearly too. Some strange things also occured.. Today, for example, at a point where I'd dropped noting and was quickly perceiving sounds, bodily sensations, mental impressions etc, there began some short and fast involuntary movements (like the tip of a thinger bending just a little bit, flickering of the eyes, etc).

On another day, something like 3 or 4 days ago, while practicing vipassana, I was being able to perceive the vision of the left eye and the right eye kind of independently, like if I was able to "choose" which eye to look with. (lol) To add strangeness, I first noticed this with the eyes closed (though it also 'worked' with the eyes open).

Sitting has become almost painless (except for a relatively weak pain on the upper back) and sustainable with ease. I could sit for longer periods than I am setting my timer to, but I don't think my knees will like the idea of staying in full lotus position for more than 45 minutes.

RE: john.watcher's explorations
Answer
7/19/14 11:13 PM as a reply to john.watcher.
[quote=
]Sitting has become almost painless (except for a relatively weak pain on the upper back) and sustainable with ease. I could sit for longer periods than I am setting my timer to, but I don't think my knees will like the idea of staying in full lotus position for more than 45 minutes.

Hi John,
I haven't really seen (even very advanced) meditators sitting in full lotus while on a retreat. Any variations are fine (half lotus, burmies sit etc.).
Better to protect your knees you will need them in the future emoticon 

NM

RE: john.watcher's explorations
Answer
7/21/14 6:52 AM as a reply to Noting Monkey.
Noting Monkey:

Hi John,
I haven't really seen (even very advanced) meditators sitting in full lotus while on a retreat. Any variations are fine (half lotus, burmies sit etc.).
Better to protect your knees you will need them in the future emoticon

NM


Really? I imagined it was the most common among the 'serious meditators' for some reason.. I realize there is no problem in using other positions, but I really like full lotus because it keeps my back straight without any effort and everything locked the right way. It is not actually painful during sitting. Only when I get up it tends to hurt my legs moderately for about 1 or 2 minutes, then it is back to normal. I'm afraid if I stay on it for more than ~45 minutes I won't be getting up altogether! haha

But thanks for the tip! Cheers

RE: john.watcher's explorations
Answer
9/13/14 9:37 PM as a reply to john.watcher.
More than 2 months without a post! Glad to be writing again today. I have been quite busy with university etc since the end of July, so my practice frequency has declined. Anyway I've been wanting to update this log for a while now.

Although I am sitting much less, I'm squeezing meditation into any appropriate situation. I take the bus to and from the university,. These commutes are 1h~1h30 duration each and have been the core of my practice for these last couple months. This is not ideal but is working well, since I have been feeling the progress.

I'm sensing mid/high frequency vibrations even when not focusing on them (i.e. daily activities), in such way that insight practice has become very natural and smooth. When I stop, sit and practice on my cushion (as I just did today), strong phenomena happens. Very funny stuff to watch actually.

It is at the same time strange and amazing how the "world" is being perceived by myself now. How far off from reality was I to be blind to all this stuff? Not saying that I have actually achieved something very special, a kind of milestone or anything like that, but I feel a little bit different.

I must also add that I visited an interesting person on the first week of august, a father of a friend who lives on a nearby "mountain", where he built a kind of temple and lives with his wife, isolated. He is not a buddhist strictly speaking (at least in my opinion) but he is very realised. It was an inspiring visit but not very informative. Some of my friends were interested and mentioned that they'd like to go there, so I may visit him again in a not very distant future.

It may take some time for me to post again but certainly I'll be practicing nonetheless!